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140,552 Literary Works • 673,423 Reviews
Seems pretty good. It's going in a direction I may not follow: I'm not much for fantasy lands.
If it is for no apparent reason, why say it? And, they whole dialog tag is really long, and has no commas. Try splitting it or something.Read over this, you're missing words in some spots.
There was something off about the writing, but I can't pick out what. I think it seemed kind of hokey? I don't know. Are you writing this for a YA audience? That may be why, I'm not very used with those kinds of things.
You should try to make her confusion more real, and make her resist. Any normal girl who just got knocked out, dragged into a sewer, and is now being told a far out story by a guy they don't even know will be very scared and freaked out. Almost to the point where she'll be thinking, "What is this loony going to do to me?" and then when he mentions the dream, it'll shock the reader even more. But: try not to make it so obvious. Having the major dreams from the first chapter be important (and done so...lightly in this chapter?) was kind of...odd. She didn't seem too fazed by it, beyond the dialog.
So I guess, basically: make it more realistic.
okay! i love it! still!
the moment i saw the word "phantom" i was like XD but i know it's not like P of the O now.
it's like hp. with the whatshisname. sorry im not good at remembering names. it started with an a.
criticism?
barely any.
but i've got some:
-maybe you should give us a little bit more time to see alexandra at home--we barely know her and shes already taking us on a journey!
-dont have addo say the thing about spindly fingers. doesn't seem like it would be in dialogue. you can use it later when we actually see whatshisname.
-tell us exactly how small the trauntler is.
-have addo explain the trauntler. you wouldnt think lizards would be smart enough to work for the government, so yeah, clarify.
=]
i'm going to take a reading break to work on my story.
i'll send you the scenes when im done cuz i need reassurance that they're okay...
AH! Just when you thought I had something against boxes!!!!
The 'on' seems wrong here, unless of coarse they're on top of an underground tunnel, which seems unlikely. You might try replacing it with to, so it makes a tad bit more sense.
I was unaware he fell, you just said he dropped her.
She got angry really, really quickly! it was like. BAM! (did I scare you?) and she was pissed. Didn't make much sense unless she has anger problems, which could be interesting...
Those both have one thing in common, you said "I had no idea what he was talking about." Saying the exact same thing two times in a row is extremely redundant and kinda bugs me. It might just be me though. But it messes up the flow of the story.
The end of a sentence, a period, is used to show the end of a phrase or thought, keeping this in mind, a period between 'stop' and 'moving' creates the illusion that he's telling her to stop, and says he senses moving. or at leas that's what I got from it. Readers interpret things differently, and not always the same way as the writer.
I could be wrong, but I think folklore is one word.
Still, I love your writing style, it flows(except for the few things I pointed out) and it makes sense. It's a beautiful story thus far, and I look forward to it's continuations.
I liked this a lot. The entire 'navel-gazing' thing from the first part is much, much better. And I really liked Addo.
The only thing that I noticed here was that a few times to add some unnecessary phrases onto the ends of your actions...
As I came to...?
I don't think you really need the part about how a normal person would shake hands - it is inferred.
the part about Alex explaining why she doesn't introduce herself as Alexandra seems a bit run-on-ish. It's not a run-on, but I think you could make it more succinct.
I don't think you need the 'because' part here. Her nodding tells the reader she does want an explanation.
This is probably just me, but I have a great hatred for the adverb knowingly.
I don't know. I just really don't like the haf-this, half-that thing. I think if you could find another single verb that encapsulates the way he is saying this, it would bring this chapter to a sound conclusion.
What I really loved about this piece was your beautiful description; you varied your sentence structure well and had some great word choice. Your first person style is humorous and endearing - I love it. It just read so naturally. Really great job on this chapter, Roy.