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140,550 Literary Works • 673,421 Reviews
ohhh okay.
i didn't remember the end of the chapter...
-when was aave established as a lord? or is she just joking when she says lord?
-you need to make it clear in previous chapters that alex likes addo.
im pissed off at addo now. i bet he's own the side of good, though.
i loved that almost-love-scene bw addo and alex.
-i don't get it though. why was he all bloody and whatnot if he was really on aave's side?
Yeah. I mean, Alli was kinda hard to write. I really wanted to make her look all poised and everything at first, but once she was shoved into a situation like this, she kinda lost it... I was trying to make her a know-it-all but you guys don't get that. Instead you just find her annoying. lol. Okay. Her character is starting to bother me, but she's important. I'll put up a post if I change a chapter or two drastically to try and make her seem.... constant?
Thank you much for the impressions! I'll work on them.
The word however here creates a stop, and I had to read the sentence twice to make sure I got it right. I think you can take that one word out and get the same point across much smoother.
How would she know it looked like a twitch if nobody told her. It's hard in first person to say things like that, because you have to remember that the person isn't actually looking at themselves. You know?
Well, thats all for me! PM me when you post the next part, kk? hehe.
-JC
I would be more than happy to give you some impressions!
One more suggestion I had after rereading this: The part where Alex talks with the Grand Bithol was very short and, while I see its importance, I felt it could be expanded a little. Think about it.
ALEX: She is, again, very determined and strong. Right now she is more than a bit confused because of Addo 'turning' on her and this entire situation. She is very attached to her brother and feels terrible for dragging him into this mess. Still like her.
ALLI (GRAND BITHOL): She still really annoys me; shows up at the most inconvenient times and starts explaining stuff. I don't like her and don't have that many impressions of her. A bit more development on her part might be nice.
ADDO: I don't believe he's really evil. I refuse to. I think he's being threatened by Aave with Lizzy, but that he is still choosing to help Alex and I like him for that. He was honestly sorry for what he was doing and Lizzy means a lot to him.
MYLES: Hee hee, I like Myles. Myles is very loyal to Alex considering he followed her, and he is quite shocked when the Aave captures them because he says almost nothing. He trusts Addo somewhat, because he wasn't acting very suspicious when he and Addo came to rescue Alex; he worked right along with Addo.
AAVE: Well, um, he's evil and I don't like him. He's is quite manipulative, but I don't know him very well yet. Remember to develop him too; villains can often be just as if not more interesting than the protagonists.
Hm, I don't think I'm missing anyone.
As I mentioned above, this was very good, Roya!
Thanks! Impressions are welcome too. I mean if you don't feel like doing a full crit, you can just say what you think of the characters so that I can tell what people think of them.
I didn't see the feet and sleet part, but there was this one sentence that was completely and utterly alliteration that I thought someone might comment on.
ANYWAY that was really off topic. Chapter 8 will be up any day now. It's coming along nicely, at least I like it so far. Thanks again for your crits!
Oooh, I really liked this part. A great plot twist in there (and I was right about it being the Aave! Woot!). Beautifully written here and very emotionally involving. I just have a few nitpicky things...
Hee hee... feet and sleet rhymed. But that's not why I pulled this part. You have some masterful description here, and I liked the idea of fear like poison, but I think perhaps you could use a more fluid word than spread for poisonous fear. Perhaps fear 'threaded' or if you changed the first seep, fear seeped. Just a suggestion; it's all up to you in the end.
handsome?
This was really great, Roya! I enjoyed it immensely and await your next part. I am very excited to see how Addo turns out (and if he and Myles get along.) Nice job and keep writing. PM me if you need anything.
Nice! I love it. *clings to story* definately continue. I think you showed the characters very well. This story is very interesting. *nods* I really do love it....alot.