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140,910 Literary Works • 673,729 Reviews
Stirly, I'm so sorry. I probably should have thought of that, and I'm thoroughly embarrassed that I didn't. I hope I didn't offend you in any way.
Also, If you read the earlier chapters, you would have caught on to the chapter names being the ages. I try to shove it in ever chapter, but sometimes it gets difficult. If you all still feel that the chapter titles aren't enough when I don't throw it in, please tell me so I can fix it.
Also, if anybody has read this and found it a little confusing whether I'm reffering to Mrs. Lithon or Evie's biological mother, speak up. I try not to use the name Mrs. Lithon as often as I might because it kinda kills the bond they've gotten over the years. I try and stay away from saying biological as well because it's not like she was taken away at birth. She had seven years with her real mother and they weren't really bad until a year or two before Evie ended up in the orphanage. I really shouldn't have to be saying any of this, but it just feels better for me to say that right now. XD I hate when people get confused with me because it happens more often then not.
Thanks for both of your crits. I'll be sure to remember your suggestions when I write the next chapter.
This last phrase isn't needed.
Again, show that she's looking for something hesitantly through her actions, don't just simply tell us.
You can take out this last phrase as well, since her smile obviously tell us that she's found what she's looking for. Another reason is that you're switching perspectives mid-sentence, which gets confusing.
Love that line XD
As for the rest of the piece, nice job! Your conflicts are getting stronger, and you did a good job of translating the emotions that Evie had towards her biological mother. You still have some unneeded words here and there, but on the whole, a great chapter.
Hope that helps,
Tony
I love this story, and its definately one that I can relate to. The thing that gets me is this:
That part got me a bit confused.
Adopted parents wouldn't force their adopted child to respect their whore of a birth mother. My parents aren't, my friend's parents aren't, and no adoptive parents would. Who cares if their genetics went into to you? They're still jerks, and adoptive parents wouldn't be so cruel as to put their adoptive child through the pain of having to deal with it all over again. Infact, most adoptive parents would be infuriated that the birth parent came back. The adopted child is theirs now, and the birth parents have absolutely no rights to them. Her parent's reactions just don't seem believable. Also, you may want to mention the sister's ages ahead of time
Beautifully written. Your use of words really brought this story to life. Well done!