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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
i don't care i'm reading it anyhoo but i'll be lenient on criticisms =]]]
-this isn't a criticism. is this place located underground britain? [addo says mum]
-why did they go into the nursery?
-emphasize more about the view from the transporter.
-if addo's mom is a queen, why is she cleaning? too normal. have her command a maid to do something. explain the glass room more. make it seem more plush, royal.
i saw that. there at the top.
why not? i have five minutes before my carpool lady comes and i want to.
=]]]]]
but fineeeee.
are my criticisms okay?
cuz i love your story.
Oops! I totaly forgot that it didn't carry over from the computer document! My bad. it was italicized on my comp, i swear!
*hurries to go fix the little glitch*
You might want to put what Coal says in italics, just so the reader can distinguish who is saying what.
This goes along with the earlier one, I can only assume that Coal is saying the first sentence, if not then how does Alex know the whole magic smell.
Still loving it! Synadrum...Trauntlers...I love these words! Coal just sounds so awsome, I love your idea of tiny dragon-like things.
-JC
Quite good! I like your unique description of Syradrum - sounds like a fun place to live. And your development of the characters continues to improve.
Telling the Obvious
There were a few points in this story when I felt you were telling us the obvious things we see as a reader about events in order to clarify. As my English teacher tells me 'don't make your readers feel stupid.' Leave some inference to them.
I know this is in first person and your main character is probably bombarding you with what each character seems like, but sometimes you have to restrain her. Saying outrightly that a character seems [insert extremely insightful word], is usually a big no-no. Of course, there are always exceptions, but try to avoid these as often as possible. Let us get to know your character through her actions.
There were a few other spots in the story where things like this popped up, so just go through the piece and decide what is necessary and what is not. I know it's painful, believe me - I've had to cut entire pages of my story and every single time it makes my mind want to bleed. Nevertheless, it will improve your story greatly.
A few little technical things...
This will probably sound familiar because there was something similar last section, but I don't think you need the part in red.
I think you mean either lush or luscious.
As I've said, this was pretty good. I thought the difference in characterization between Addo alone and Addo with his mother was rather humorous.
Anyways, great job and keep writing! PM me is you have any questions!