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140,552 Literary Works • 673,423 Reviews
Oops, my bad. This was about double what it is now, but then I realized that the entire beginning was a load of crap. XD So there's a bit I didn't quite fix.
Thanks for reading!
~Roya
Just as quietly as what? You don't mention volume at any point before hand, so scratch it here.
Missing word. should be, and was pulling on a pair of grimy pants...
Great line
You say group twice here. Try replacing one with a synonym. =D
This was really good. I liked how sweet it was, while still maintaining the air of bitterness. Hard things to balance, and you do that well. There isn't much for me to say that wouldn't be praise, so I'll leave it here.
Good job. Keep up the good work!
-JC
Ha! I like this. They are very intelligent seven year olds, and Evie is bitter for one so young! It seems like she would be more confused and bewildered than bitter. I mean, if she's exceptionally intelligent, that's fine. But a very good beginning all in all!
pm me if you continue. I'd like to read it!
Yours always,
One point:
We've already experienced the scene where Evie badmouths Sam. So what? The problem is that you're bringing it up again unnecessarily. Since the reader already knows what happened, they'll have no doubts as to why she's asking the question. I would suggest ending the sentence after "grinning". The rest of the sentence and the whole of the second sentence are mainly irrelevant to the story at this point. Don't let any part of your story live in the past. It only breaks the flow.
As for the rest, it was good, so not much else to comment on.
Hope that helps,
Tony