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140,552 Literary Works • 673,423 Reviews
Well, it would seem that it's all already been taken care of eh? That blows, but hey, it's work off my load right?
Anyways it's really sweet, in the est cheesy way. =D Really sweet, I love it.
-JC
Oh, thanks so much! I love it when people attack my writing. Haha, I'm not being sarcastic. And I've had that happed to me three times on the same crit. It logged me out just as I clicked submit--three times in a row! I was, like, throwing stuff at the computer, but I wrote up a fourth anyway. I knew what I was going to say because I'd said it three times already. haha.
Yes, Sam is the assistant.
I'll go back and fix it up, then. Gracias, merci, thank you!
~Roya
I AM SO ANGRY IT IS NOT FUNNY. I just worte the hugest critique and it took me forever and now it is gone. I'll try again shall I?
How about: She knew she would pay for it later. I like it that way better.
I think it works better like:
The two of them would have laughed till their eyes teared up, but they were interrupted. Sam stomped down the hall, shouting as she bore down on them.
Now I'm not really recommending my choice of words but I like the pause before you introduce Sam again.
I don't know exactly why but I don't like the 'point of repetition' bit, I get what you mean (I think) but try and find a way of saying it differently.
Although I like the word Agape, I don't think it works here, maybe you should change it to 'fell open.' I know its plainer but I think it works better, unless you find a way of using 'agape' without the word 'fell' beofre it.
I don't really like the last part of the sentence, I don't think Sam would walk away and call something back to them without turning around, when she could take a good look at these girls, having pleasure in the knowledge that she'd annoyed them so much.
This may be a dumb question but who is the assistant, is it Sam?
Even more graffitied books - Does this refer to the fact that the books are even more graffitied than the desks? If so, then I think you should find a way of making the meaning more clear.
Maybe: They sat down in their seats at the back of the classroom while Sam started putting...
Maybe: simple math
I think it would work better like:
Sam usually stayed away from Anna and Evie, knowing full well that Evie would get any help she needed from her friend. Anna never having any questions about the work.
I know thats not perfect but I think its better broken into two sentences and emphasising that it is Anna who never has a problem with the work.
Evie, Anna, and Hannah, who was closest to their age at eleven years old, each shared the bigger science book, but there were plenty of the easy books for the other girls.
Just a question, is Hannah ten or eleven?
Also I think you should giv e the big science book a name, you refer to it like three times and it gets a bit boring calling it the big science book all the time.
You've already said that Anna likes helping the younger girls with math and I would think that even if Sam didn't know this she would enlist Anna's help in helping the younger girls.
I like the end of this sentence, but not the bit when you say Evie could hardly touch her dinner. Maybe you could show her staring at her unfinished dinner, then going with Anna to their room or something.
Maybe: Evie made her way through the beds to her own, underneath the window.
Maybe: an empty feeling gripped her stomach
"You're worried I won't be friends with you any more?" she asked.
Maybe: Evie had never been interested in what she was writing. The events of the day didn't change anything.
I like the never instead of wasn't ever.
Taps of the pen? Is Anna writing or just tapping her pen. I think should put "the pen that Anna..."
I think this is an awkward sentence, not readily understood.
Anna put down the pen and placed it beside her precious journal. She had saved up so long to buy it, collecting any change she could find.
Yes I know that is not particularly good, but I think you need to change the wording about her journal.
You've already said kicking and screming. Try saying something else like:
If you separate us now, I'll hate you forever" Probably something different will work better, but I think you get what I'm pointing out.
Anyway, I really do like your story, I love your characters and I'm just pointing out where I think you can improve it. I hope you find it helpful
~Roy
Ah, something I think was a mistake, that doensn't make sense here:
"Closing her mouth and banishing , Sam told Anna to wait a few minutes while she finished helping Natasha with her math."
Tee hee...closing her mouth and banishing WHAT? It's a good start to the phrase, though. As for the other changes and editing, good job. I liked it.
Post your other chapter too!
Yours as usual,
Gracias, merci, thank you. I messed around with the wording in some places and took your suggestions. I'm glad you all like it. I was expecting a totaly bored reaction, so this is cool. XD I hope this is up to standards now, and I'll take any other crits, especially brutal ones. I find the brutal ones quite helpful...
EDIT: I told you I got off the point--I started fixing something else and forgot about that. She banished her momentary astonishment! *blushes and pretends she didn't forget to finish her sentence*
Well, until then!
~Roya
I really liked it, there were some awkward parts but overall it had me interested in the characters and wanting to read more.
I like this a lot! Once again.
Um...let's see. One awkward part that I didn't like:
"Regaining reason, Sam told Anna to wait a few minutes while she finished helping Natasha with her math."
Regaining reason...hmm. Doesn't sound right. Try, 'recovering herself' or a different phrase that's a little less...I don't know. Dramatic. 'Regaining reason' is like what someone does when they've been in the mental hospital for three years and are slowly regaining their reason. Sam is experiencing momentary shock.
Sam is a real...well, it rhymes with 'witch'. I like the way you portray the girls...they really come across as thirteen-year-olds. Excellent.
The only subjects they are taking are grammar, math and science? Wouldn't they have other classes as well? Isn't there some kind of law about schooling for children, even in orphanages? Try adding a couple of other subjects, like English and Music or something.
Another thing...why is it that Sam can only help the very young children? Isn't she a teacher? If not, then why is she teaching? And why couldn't they hire a teacher who knew what they were doing enough to teach a thirteen-year-old?
Anyway, just some technical curiosity I have. Sorry this little crit turned out so long! I truly enjoyed it...keep posting?
Yours I remain,
The problem with this is that you're telling us they are annoyed, when you instead should be showing us.
Instead of just saying they are annoyed, show it like this:
Ex: Anna stomped her foot on the floor as she tightened her fists. Evie wore a tight frown as she followed Anna with a stomp....
You get the idea. I never actually said they were annoyed, but it's apparent from their actions.
Same thing here. Don't just tell us they're smart. The reader might not believe you (silly, I know) but if you show, there is no reason for the reader not to think Anna's smart. An example would be turning this into a scene by itself in which Sam asks a question and Anna gets it right within seconds, while on another question Evie struggles when she is called on. Doing it this way makes everything more vivid and believable.
Again, show us how she's in disbelief (ex: eyes wide, mouth hanging open etc.)
You're infodumping too much about the past. It's breaking the action and makes the reader lose interest. If the information is not absolutely relevant to the story's conflict, please cut it out. Random bits of info will do nothing but distract your readers.
Since you mentioned her raised eyebrow, her tone becomes clear. You don't need to mention "sarcastically".
The ending was good, you have interesting conflicts going on. I liked how at the end she adopted them both, it gives a warm feeling
Hope that helps,
Tony