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140,552 Literary Works • 673,424 Reviews
Yay! I finally got around to reading this!
It was very good; I am glad to see Addo and Myles working together - my two favorite characters.
Just a few suggestions:
1. This part was confusing:
I don't understand what prompted Addo to tell Alex this now. I am guessing it has something to do with "Myles, let go.", but I think you should go into a little more detail as to how that affects Addo and why Addo tells her what happened.
2. I am guessing by Alex's actions that she is a little disoriented right now. While I love your first person, I felt you could have portrayed a little more of disorientation in the way she sees things and the things she thinks. Just a suggestion.
3. The part with Alli and Addo is a bit abrupt. I understand that Alli is flighty, but it felt rushed to me. Try expounding a bit more upon it so the reader gets a clearer idea of exactly what is occurring. And, like AndNeverAgain, I wasn't sure who Addo was referring to when he said "We're just friends."
This was really great, Roya! I enjoyed it immensely. Keep writing and posting - I look forward to the next addition. PM me if you need anything.
=D Addo's nice again! hehe. YAY!
You posted! I've missed this, I actually had to go back and read the previous chapters to remember, but seeing as it's all good, there was nothing wrong with that. =D
Once agian, nothing really to crit on here, tell me when you post the next section okay!
-JC
The trauntler WOULd scuttle.... I don't mean to be a retard about it, but he doesn't fly as much as he scuttles/walks around.
And he was refering to him and Alex, is that not clear? *goes back to edit edit edit*
I don't have mrs. wire, but I'll take your word for it. lol.
-the trauntler wouldn't scuttle-- it would fly.
-have coal explain what a phantom is. it's confusing.
i'm not telling you to change this part but i'm just saying: HA. adults are TOTALLY know it alls. ahem: ms. wire.
-explain WHAT addo was doing with the aave when he was pretending to be a meanie.
-when addo says "we're just friends" does he mean him and alex or him and allie?
good job! im interested. i like the romantic element. but answer that question i just asked!
chapter name makes andi's brain go:
"the phantommmm of the opera is there
the phantom is there inside my mind"
now that that is out of my system:
critz!
okay.
i'm lost.
i forget what happened so im gonna go back...
last i remember addo was a bitch and he kidnapped myles, allie, and main character.