Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,907 Literary Works • 673,721 Reviews
Yuh, this is good! I think you did the (dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun) foreshadowing just fine. Stands to reason that it can't stay perfect.
"Anna's taunts" sounds better, and not so much like a French translation exercise.
I always associate "muttered" with the person saying something in an unwilling or cross way. I'd use "murmured", but your choice.
Otherwise, fine!
Ah, one sentence like the one you added is enough. As long as you have some kind of hook, it makes it better.
Hope that helps,
Tony
Is a single sentence of forshadowing enough, or do I have to rewrite this? If it's only one chapter that's like this, will it really make that big of a difference? I added another sentence, if that will make a difference. Check the very end.
~Roya
I would suggest at least hinting at a conlfict in this...just to keep the reader interested.
Yeah, I appologize. Hehe. It gets not-so-perfect in a bit, but I just wanted to show how it was an ideal life with a loving family and everything. Will you excuse me this once? *grins*
~Roya
Wow, my parents divorced when I was 8 too!!!
I did like this chapter, but not as much as the other two. I think thats because you made it too perfect, her parents are liek perfect, the boy she likes asks her out, its just too unrealistically good.