A Story to Tell

Hey! I loved the title and I really loved the poem too.
The lines
"It begins with a whisper.

A rumor of ancient treasure."

forced me to read the entire poem.

In the third stanza you used the same line "Jumping from peak to peak," I quite lost interest . That line does not seem to fit in there. Why don't you try something else? I can see you have repeated the lines in other stanza so yeah maybe it kinda fits then.
I also liked the lines
"Finding pure strength within,

A groan of one hundred voices."

hello um I hope you don't mind me reviewing your poem...but here's what I thought...it was very good and I enjoyed reading it but I also think it was a bit odd and um interesting...I also think it could use maybe another verse or two I mean I like it as it is but if it had another verse about the ancient treasure it might be a little bit better I'm sorry if I wasted your time on this review...I hope you liked it

Hey! Nice poem!

So, I really liked the structure you have going. Everyone thinks you're just repeating lines, but I don't. I can see the way you would start a new stanze using the second line of the verse before it. If you look, you'll notice that the second and fourth line of the very first stanza was then moved to the first and third. Like this:

I have a story to tell.
All the roads I have traveled,
All the places that I've been,
It begins with a whisper.

All the roads that I have traveled.
The rush of dangerous adventure.
It begins with a whisper.
A rumor of ancient treasure.

Heya Fortis, June here again!

I like this poem for the build up it gives in anticipation of hearing a story, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a tiny bit disheartened to not have a story at the end. Still, the poem appealed to me much for its narrative style and its tone, which brought to mind a weary traveller.

However, I’m not sure that the repetition of some of the lines so frequently is doing your poem any favors; I understand that it’s a stylistic device that lends support to poetry, but here you have such a small amount of space to tell us this story that the repetition becomes laboriously redundant. It doesn’t contribute anything new to the poem, dear, so our anticipation of an unfolding story becomes disappointment. You obviously had an intent of keeping the story itself from us, which works, but your entire poem can be summarized in the line of the title, and I think that, regardless of whether or not you elaborate the story, this poem would flourish with a lot more vibrant lines that whisper hints of travelers tales. I say this because currently your poem reads like a collection of fragments with no transitions to tie them together into something concrete, dear, so as an audience, we’re grasping at metaphorical straws when you have the potential to make this so much more.

I see potential in your writing, so don’t be disheartened. A little bit of tender love and care, and this poem will be fantastic.

Keep writing.

June

Fortis this is a very very deep poem. I'm serious this is great!
You gave so many great things in this poem. I did notice you used torrent alot which I notice you said would happen. Any way great poem write more soon:)





~MindBlown

I recognize that this is a structured poem, but I don't know the structure, so I'll review it more as a free verse. That being said, I won't comment on your repeated lines. I'll comment on the overall feel. Let's get started.

This poem goes really fast going through the lines. It is a quick read, but it is also hard to follow. You say you have a story to tell, but it's not very narrated. That really leaves me confused. I feel like we should know more about the actual events taking place. We see jumping from place to place, the individual has wings, they're going after treasure, but what about the rest of it? What are the "torrent of emotions" and what are the "hundred voices" that are being talked about? There is a lot that is just left too ambiguous for us to really see what is going on.

To clear this up, I would suggest changing what the lines say. Instead of picking obscure things, say "betrayal etches through my heart" or other descriptive emotions. Use our natural connections if you have a set word count or something like that to really get to the bottom of things. You tell someone tie the bonds, they know it's either devotion, loyalty, or love. Use that to your advantage.

Hello,
Hot Sauce!

I really love this! It sounds like the beginning of a long story or something of the sorts.

It's really cool, and I love the repeating of lines.

My favorite lines: The wind beneath my wings,
To land without a sound,
Seas of hopes and dreams,
I have a story to tell.

I could see those last lines telling a story all their own.

Thanks,

pegasusgirl2

Hey Fortis, Speakerskat here for a review ! Tisunami Tyrants!

I love how you repeated "I have a story to tell" in the first and last lines of the poem, brillent! Second off I loved your usage of repitition! However, in some instances you seemed to repeat things just a little to much.Eg.

"A groan of one hundred voices.

Laughing at the wind,

A torrent of emotions

A groan of one hundred voices,"

and especially where you were talking about finding stregnth. It kind of reminded me of the game temple run. The imagrey of and adventourous person like Indiana Jones going through the Alpes following a treasure map... I loved that...the imagrey.

Keep it up
~Speakerskat