Straight Lines and Broken Promises

I like this poem a lot. It's sad, but realistic. Promises are often the only thing we have left of a friend, and if you're not careful the world can snatch those away when you're not looking. The world tries to change you and make you fit in, and sometimes you forget promises made long ago. It's hard to retain your uniqueness when you don't have a friend to be weird with.
I like how you speak of the promises as objects, because that gives them a more realistic quality and allows you to attach a sense of affection and protectiveness. Also, it gives the impression of something being broken or shattered at the end.
Towards the end of your poem, you say, "But you must not have taken such care as I to keep your promise." If you could change "keep" to "guard" or something like that, it would retain the sense of being a physical object, which is kind of cool.
This is a wonderful poem. I love it. Keep writing awesome stuff!

Hi fortis, the first thing I noticed here was the repetition in the first stanza. It might be nice to use in some cases, but here it seems a bit odd.

clutching our promises near our hearts,
so as to keep them out of prying hands
that were seeking, searching, for something,
anything,
to take and grasp and keep.

but all I saw was straight lines
and broken promises.

Loved it! Any technical problems were solved I'd assume. Keep writing!

Hey! It's SecreteJournalist here to review Feel free to call me Brie, if you didn't know .-. I realize you write a lot of poetry, and you're a rather talented writer. Onto the review!

I am going to go stanza by stanza;

I asked you to promise me something,
anything,
just so I could hold onto that promise
and have something,
anything,
left of you.

I feel I like this stanza, but it is not only a stanza, its also just one sentence. I think you could easily break it up, but I don't think you HAVE to... just a suggestion. I like this though, I am curious to read the rest!


You promised to stay true to yourself,
all the loopy, curly, backwards things you do.
That you would remain unchanged.
I promised you the same, and we departed,
going our separate ways,
clutching our promises near our hearts,
so as to keep them out of prying hands
that were seeking, searching, for something,
anything,
to take and grasp and keep.

I really see no problem with this stanza, its executed greatly I like how you described the stanza, it lets the mind wander.


I held onto your promise,
put it up on my mantle where I'd never forget it,
I dusted it every now and then, and smiled fondly,
For it was the one thing I had left from you.

You capitalize 'for' when its unnecessary. Like I mentioned in the first stanza, this one is a rather long sentence for just one stanza, but I wont complain, you don't have to change it .-.

But you must not have taken such care as I to keep your promise,
for when we reunited at long last,
I searched for something,
anything,
that I recognized.
But all I saw were curly lines turned straight,
backwards habits corrected,
and a face drained of its energetic spirit.

This is wonderful. I like the description a lot!

You said you had changed for the better,
and I searched for something,
anything,
that was better,
but all I saw was straight lines
and broken promises.

Now I notice a pattern, so maybe my efforts of correcting long sentences as one stanza have gone to waste .-.

Overall, I absolutely LOVE this poem I don't see really any major things to change, and I like the whole idea, its rather powerful. Keep writing (I know you will :3 ) because you're amazing