I write these words
knowing they will die one day,
but time will be their legacy,
for it is when they die that matters:
whether it be with a man,
or with the sun.
I lie in the sun
as I write these words
I ponder this day
those everlasting matters,
(as everlasting as befits a mortal man)
those matters of my legacy.
I will revel in my legacy,
the illusion that my words matter,
but I am just a man,
and I know that my words
will last for only a day
in comparison to the life of the sun.
The earth swallows up the sun,
like that enormous mass doesn’t matter.
The clock ticks out the end of the day
as I destroy the idea of a legacy
that will never come from my words,
for I am just a man.
I may be just a man,
but I can have a legacy,
It won’t outlast the sun,
but I’ll feed it day to day
because to me at least I matter,
and I survive on my words.
These are the words of just a man:
when the sun sinks at the end of my day,
I won’t be around to see that my legacy matters.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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126,083 Literary Works • 672,935 Reviews
Hey Fortis!
It's been a while since I've reviewed any poetry because well, I've been into novels! Time to get back to it though, so excuse me for being a little rusty ^^
I loved this! Form in poetry is important, and something so hard to master, especially when using traditional forms like this. But the form didn't get in the way of the poem, and you did a very good job. I liked it a lot ^^ I do know you need to stick to the form, but for rhythm I'm sure some of the lines could be longer than they are? Especially those that use the word 'sun' in the beginning couple of stanzas. They seemed to cut short a bit.
I understand the poem is about what we leave behind after death, our legacy. Whether it should matter to us or matter to others. Either way, you can still start building your legacy today, and you'll never know if the work paid off or not. This leaves the whole poem with a feeling of perseverance. It wasn't even too repetitive.
I would've like to see a bit more descriptive language in there. Because of it being a sestina, doesn't mean you can create a bit more imagery that just the earth swallowing up the sun! I would've asked for a bit more there. It was still good though
Nice job fortis! Looking forwards to hearing more from you!
Deanie x
I'll be upfront and say that I have never read a sestina that I like! The structure just seems so arbitrary and it sounds so forced that I can never bring myself to enjoy the poem.
That said, you did choose a subject that fits a sestina well. Sestinas naturally (if anything about a sestina can be called natural) lend themselves to subjects about desperation and forlorn hope. In this case, the subject of your poem is about a man who sounds like he's kind of given up. He continues to write and hopes for me, but he's resigned to the notion that he'll never be around to see if his legacy matters. It's a melancholy ending, which fits with the structure.
However, this poem isn't really a sestina. Although there are variations, a sestina should have six stanzas of six lines each followed by a seventh of only three lines. Here, you're missing a stanza.
The words at the end of each sentence also rotate according to a set pattern: ABCDEF, FABCDE, EFABCD, etc. Here it goes ABCDEF, FABDEC, CDEABF, and so on. Typically, there's also a set number of syllables per line, but I don't think that's really a set rule.
In all, I think this is a good attempt, but it does need more structural work before it's really a sestina.
O_O where did that stanza go? I swear I had six.
And (I was doing this for class) my teacher pretty much said "screw the set pattern, as long as you have some sort of tie-in to the last stanza, you're good." (I did the last word of the stanza as the first ending word for the next.) I think she said this because yes, sestinas are so structured, they're strangled, and you can never make anything good come of them. XD
Thanks for your reveiw!
Haha, sounds good!
So clever and well-written, my mind is boggled and I cannot write a review. Well done! Interesting topic, too.