We are stepping,
hand in hand,
over hills,
over fields,
over charred remains.
We are walking,
hand in hand,
beneath the distant heavens,
beneath overcast skies,
beneath the watchful eye of midnight.
We are hiking,
hand in hand,
between burnt and blackened trees,
between dried and cracked river banks,
between the fallen cities.
We are trudging,
hand in hand,
among ashes,
through ashes,
in ashes.
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139,416 Literary Works • 672,559 Reviews
Hi Fortis!
You have some really good reviews here already, so I'm just going to comment on it. I really liked it, and it left me feeling sad and lost. Like I'd just someone lost to becoming ashes. It was all good, apart from the end. I think you have some really good rhythm and flow in there, and the repetitiveness works here. It doesn't always because it's hard to not make it too same-y, but you've got a good balance in there.
The only time it doesn't quite work is at the end. I think it repeats ashes too much. I understand you are trying to follow the pattern, but maybe here it's time to divert from it a bit? Maybe something like:
We are trudging
hand in hand
through broken grey pieces
That are burnt cinders
These ashes.
Maybe it's good to have some variety in there. Not quite how I put it, but how you think it should go. But it's all up to you. Keep writing
Deanie x
This was such a touching poem!
When I first read the title, I knew it was going to be a sad story about death, but it seems like there was more to it. This poem is something that can be made into a song with a sad melodic tune. I really enjoyed the hand in hand part. That made me feel the connection between the characters. Good job, keep it up!!!
Hey, I'm reviewing this!
But that one is up to you.
the problem of me reading stanza by stanza. Okay, I see, but somehow I still think you should review "stepping" I don't think it fits. But, anywho, back to the review. I think this stanza is okay, and I like the use of "distant heavens" I thought that brought a nice effect. And then "beneath the watchful eye of the midnight." (I think "the" should be put there.) I would suggest instead of the watchful "eye" you make it plural and put the watchful "eyes". I think that makes more of an effect and then there are so many things lurking in the dark so it would be a good use of that. Also, it could simply mean the stars as the eyes, so yeah.
It reads nicely though. In fact the rythym of this third one is really nice. I keep reading it over in my mind and it flows well. 
So I go from stanza to stanza:
First Stanza: This is good, it's a stable start and I know that this is about two people or people in general. I think that your formatting for this is good. My only suggestion would be to possibly change "stepping" to "walking" and I say this because walking gives my mind the picture of gradual advancement, while stepping is just, well, stepping, like the people are literally stepping over hills.
Second Stanza:
Oh,
Third Stanza:
Ah, so I kind of see what you were trying to do. Hiking = between. Walking = Beneath. Stepping = over? Hmm. I don't fully grasp this, but this may just be me, so sorry if this is not right advice. But it just doesn't seem to work for me. Also, I am not too sure if hiking and between go together that well, but I'm gonna leave that one.
Fourth Stanza:
I think that this one can definitely be updated. I feel like (because at a point I would have done this and probably have done it before) you just gave up on creating new scenes and so just used ashes. And I could be wrong, but if that is not so, then I would suggest you try to add something more because it seems like that a bit. I think you should say something like:
"hand in hand,
in the trapping murky ground,
in the bitterness of the deep,
among the ashes,
through the ashes,
in the ashes." -- Not exactly like this, it doesn't even have to be close but I just think more description and a continuing of what the rest of the poem was like would be nice. In fact I would suggest if you still want to have the "among ashes, through ashes, in ashes" part you could separate it and make it it's own stanza to end it all, while still letting the fourth stanza be descriptive.
So, overall, this was an interesting read, and it had it's good parts, I really liked how it progressed a bit, but I also think that the starts (to each stanza) could be more creative and should be looked over a bit. Also, for the last stanza I think you should continue with the pattern of combining the action with the start of each line. Like if you see my example above I used Trudging = in. But that is just a suggestion, and totally up to you. Please do look over it though. And I can guess that this was about people walking away from a broken land? Or from a war ridden place? I think it would be good if you can when you are revising to add a little bit more information on why the two people are traveling. Other than that, it was good!
Great job!
Dream on and on and on!
Ahoy there, fortis!
While this poem has poetic elements, and a clear message, it needs a bit of polishing.
You use repetition a lot in your poem, which is a good start and shows that you have a feeling for poetry, but repetition can be overused. In this instance, it does seem to conquer everything else in the poem, including the message. Repetition should be used sparingly, and to highlight a point. Here, it feels like you use it as a crutch rather than an asset. For example,
doesn't really highlight anything, it just tries to pound the message into the reader's head, as if someone was taking a baseball bat to the head. If someone was taking a baseball bat to your head, you'd try to get away, right? Here, the reaction is to skip the rest of the line, as if running away from the impact. A slap in the face can clarify things, but beating someone up can only muddle things.
Try to streamline your poem so that the repetition isn't driving away the message so much.
The second thing I noticed is the way you start the first line of every stanza.
In poetry, less is more. So that means you should streamline everything. Which means that you should use more active verbs to get rid of extra stuff. In other words, your "are"'s need to go. You could easily say "we step," "we walk," "we hike," etc. instead of encumbering the first line of every stanza with a weak verb.
Which brings me to my next point.
While I'm really glad that you didn't use the same word to mean "walking" in every stanza, I feel that you need to build tension within the poem, seeing as it doesn't really go anywhere in particular right now (more on that later). You can easily do that by varying the speed of the travel (i.e. sprinting, flying, etc.) to build interest throughout the poem. Be creative.
As I said before, the message is clear in this poem, but it's rather stagnant, even despite all the travel. I had an idea: why don't you make them run from something? If they're trying to escape and come to the conclusion that the world is ruined through the setting of the chase, I think the point would be much stronger. I just want these people to have a reason for going through this wasteland. I'm not saying they have to be fleeing something physical, but I want to know why they're going through this, and not just see that they are doing it. I don't even care if I know specifically why, but I want to know that there is some reason.
In this bit, you say the exact same thing three times. It feels lazy. You don't need to follow the format of the rest of the poem. It has less impact the more times you say it.
My last piece of advice is to streamline. Really, really streamline. Take out all the extra stuff. Less is more, and here there is too much, even if it does seem fairly short already. Combine some of your images; they'll be more powerful and use less words. Let me show you what I might do with it:
I'm not saying that that is the only way to do it; I just wanted to give you an example of streamlining.
I hope that this review was helpful to you. PM me if you have any questions! Happy writing!
Well high there'!
When I first saw this title on my screen, I definitely had a different picture in mind than the one provided here. Fortunately the picture provided here is more descriptive and unique than I imagined.
Anyway, now to the actual poem. I'd like I outline somethings I liked, didn't like and thought you could improve on.
The imagery you used here at some points was phenomenal. Also the vocabulary was up-to-par I believe. However, although the title of the poem is "Ashes", I dislike the excessive use of the word "Ashes".
Maybe you can think of another word similar to ashes? Rubble? Research some synonyms. In addition, I found the structure of the stanzas odd at some points. If that's what you wanted, that's fine, but if it isn't, feel free to take a look at it.
Overall, I was fond of this poem and pleasantly surprised. Keep up the good work and always remember synonyms!
I really like this poem. I love the word choice and the picture it creates in my head. It's simple yet elegant, and there are no spelling/grammar mistakes, which is like the best thing ever =D Also I like the way the stanzas are set up to mirror each other. To sum it up: I really don't have anything bad to say about this. It's perfect the way it is =)