Tell me, my friend, what garish display lies here?
Such a peculiar beauty, with seven limbs and eight hands.
It must be the [queen of spades].
She dwells in this ransacked location
where the clouds drift between realities
glorying in loneliness
as they watch horses patter by
with hoofs shooting out from beneath them.
It is the [queen]'s domain.
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Heya, Ricky here from the Black Knights, here to review your poem!
This poem caught my interest from the title and the use of the brackets. It's not often you see brackets used in the way that you did, and I enjoy the effect it gave to the poem. Brackets are usually used to denote words that were changed from an original source, but I imagined the words inside of the brackets being whispered, as if the speaker is trying to keep the queen from knowing that they are talking about her. The poem definitely has an element of secrecy.
There is only one error that I noticed. "Hoofs", in the second to last line, should be "hooves." That's the only error, grammar or spelling wise, that I noticed.
I really wish that this poem was longer. I think that you could've done a lot more with it, and I'm interested to see where it could have gone had you added a few more stanzas. Why is the queen's domain ransacked? Why does she have so many limbs and hands? Is she, perhaps, supposed to be a spider? This poem leaves a lot of questions unanswered, and since it isn't a chapter to a book, that isn't necessarily a good thing, unfortunately.
While this poem was good, it does need a little bit of work. I did enjoy it, though, so don't take it too harshly! I give this a 7.5/10. Keep on writing!
Hey,
This has the potential to become a great poem. Its a little rough right now however. I feel like this poem reads a bit like a choppy ocean its got good parts but then the wave crashes and we start to see choppy waters. I also agree with Transporter Its a poem metaphors can be used but they shouldn't feel so forced. When using metaphors it should be kinda like reviewing your own poem and going "Oops I didn't even know I did that... Man I'm clever," I would love to help you rewrite this poem! In other news nice use of punctuation. A lot of poets don't use punctuation and it drives me insane so thank you for that
Sincerely,
Collideascope
I have to ask what this is about, I love the wording, as I could never write something like that. I'm guessing that you used the queen of spades as a metaphor, as you described her with seven limbs and eight hands; bit what do you mean by that?
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