z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Voiceless

by Rook


Arizona was a quiet girl. She never spoke without being spoken to. Not because she was told to, but because she chose not to. Her thoughts, however, were what defined her.

I need no definition.

The other children at school questioned her. But she didn’t answer, as she knew their intentions.

I must not succumb to their blindness and insensitivity.

They teased her. They mocked her calling her “voiceless” and other cruel names. When she was alone, and she often was, she would write poems, beautiful poems, in her old leather-bound journal. Arizona was wise beyond her years. She was always, always listening.

I mature better by observing than by sharing my own input.

She sat a recess one day, on the bench that she sat on every day. The children called the bench the ‘shush bench.’ She sat on the shush bench, writing.

In my hour

Of darkness,

In my hour

Of terror,

In my hour

Of silence,

I shed

A little

Tear.

In my hour

Of brightness,

In my hour

Of calm,

In my hour

Of laughter,

I have no

Such a

Qualm.

Silence

Is a pleasure.

It is

Serenity

From within.

People think

It’s beauty,

But beauty’s

Only

Skin.

It is poems like these that accurately expressed Arizona’s feeling. She was a delicate child. Oh so delicate. They didn’t know they were penetrating so deep. They didn’t know they were pulling off the final petal of a delicate daisy.

The more they teased her, the less she wanted to live.

Life is cruel, and we must have a purpose.

One day it happened.

The teasing got out of control, physical, and violent.

They tormented her. Goading her to speak. She tried to walk by them, but they pushed her. Again. And again. She fell to the floor, but still wouldn’t say anything. Then they started hurting her.

And she gave up the will to fight back.

She hurt no one.

Her leather-bound journal slipped out of her fingers for the last time, and fell open. Landing so all could see.

They didn’t know she was dead yet.

They read the page, hoping for another reason to torment her, but they were stunned by the beauty of her words.

They tried to apologize, but for the first time in her life, Arizona wasn’t listening.


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Sun Jan 19, 2014 3:14 am
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Apricity wrote a review...



O.o This is so beautiful and powerful and wow..this really took my breath away. I guess is because I can truly relate to Arizona, and I get the feeling that you based Arizona off yourself a bit.

This is such a beautiful poem, the description and the language is just all stunning. I am so very impressed with the little poem inserted by the middle. And contrary to other reviewers, I think the reception of her being fragile only adds to the importance of how fragile she really is. And also by comparing her to a flower,vyou highlighted her innocence and fragility.

This is truly wonderful! Especially the ending......such a powerful ending.

-S.s




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Sun Jan 19, 2014 3:07 am
thehotinpsychotic wrote a review...



Hey there, thehotinpsychotic here to review!

At the line after Arizona's poem where it describes her as delicate, I feel like at the sentence "They didn’t know they were pulling off the final petal of a delicate daisy", you should've used a synonym for delicate, because at that point it got a bit repetitive.

I love love love the ending, by the way. It's true; apologies don't always take back something as horrible as bullying. Good story, I especially like how you cut the story off at that point, and the reader gets to assume what happened to Arizona.




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Sun Aug 25, 2013 10:11 pm
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OliveDreams wrote a review...



Hi There Fortis! I'm here as part of the Green Lanterns Team to review your short story for this fine review day!

I will review as I read so I can get all my ideas out as I go! Hopefully it will make perfect sense to you...

Here we go!

I love the name Arizona. I'm very picky about having the names of characters absolutely perfect and yours is original and quirky!

“I need no definition.” - I love this! You're already setting this person apart from everyone else. I do hope we get to see their weaknesses and soft side now as well.

“When she was alone, and she often was, she would write poems, beautiful poems, in her old leather-bound journal. Arizona was wise beyond her years. She was always, always listening.” - I don't think you need to have the italics here. It works just as well without them.

I don't write poetry so I can't really help you with style or rhythm. I just thought it was a really nice touch and a good look into the type of girl that Arizona is.

“They didn’t know she was dead yet.” - OMG I did not see this coming at all! This was such a good shock factor and had me on edge.

It was perfectly ended. I loved it.

Good luck! I look forward to reading some more of your work soon!

Olive <3




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Sat Jun 01, 2013 6:35 am
veelyn wrote a review...



I absolutely LOVE the ending! it says so much about what happened. The only problem was that I couldn't picture what Arizona looked like, how does she dress? what color is her hair? her eye color? overall I love this! its powerful and rhythmatic and even though it was short it was very enjoyable!




Corncob says...


I don't know if this is what the author intended, but I think a lot of the story was to show that what she looks like, how she dresses, appearance, etc. was in no way relevant to the way she was treated. It was only how she didn't speak, and purely because she did nothing wrong to them by not speaking, they picked on her.



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Fri May 31, 2013 2:27 am
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Luxury wrote a review...



I like it just the way it is, however...

The only thing that influences us to believe that Arizona listens all the time is the narrator telling us so. It would be more powerful at the end if you showed us just how much she listened.

I am glad with the ending. The indirect way of saying they killed her: "They didn't know she was dead yet", was a nice touch. It is so sad. It makes a point about how even children have the ability to take away a life.

Throughout, I grew to like Arizona. I sort of dislike her as well, for her lack of backbone. She seems to be an introverted character who still is not very wise about how things work. It says she is wise beyond her years, but you'll need more than her poem to convey this. It's the same as how you need to show her listening. You tell us more than you show. How are we really going to be impacted if we can't imagine any of your examples?

It has really good precision and grammar and I like the style of using short, abrupt sentences, because it suits the theme.

A complaint: I wanted to know why Arizona was the way she was. Most kids have a reason for not wanting to talk. Was it an emotional issue? What influenced her to believe her thought, "I mature better by observing than by sharing my own input"?

But quite wonderful, so good job, fortis! ^_^ I liked it a lot. You are a really good writer. Oh yeah, and I loved the poem! It was perfect as far as flow goes.




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Fri May 31, 2013 1:58 am
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UnicornSmilz wrote a review...



The overall message was a great one, but the death wasn't as clear as it could be, and therefore not as impactful as it could have been. I am very glad that you did not say she died very bluntly, and i liked the last line, but to make it more dramatic try to emphasis that she listens a little bit more in the beginning. I also really liked how you mixed in story with poetry. The lines and the story flow. I like your story in general. I am just being overly nit-picky. I hope to read more of your work. Happy Writing.

-UnicornSmilz




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Wed May 29, 2013 2:33 pm
rbt00 wrote a review...



The story was okay
but i think you need more practice
I am not saying that it was bad but it would be better if you would improve your grammar
Its really nice according to everyones capability
So Keep Going and writing
One day you will be amazing
Thats All.
:D




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Wed May 29, 2013 12:03 pm
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beckiw wrote a review...



Hi there Fortis!

I've come to lift you out of the Green Room.

Nit-picks ahoy!

She sat a recess one day, on the bench that she sat on every day. The children called the bench the ‘shush bench.’ She sat on the shush bench, writing. - Wow you said 'sat' three times in this little paragraph. It got kind of repetitive and for me broke the nice little touch you added with the 'Shush bench' I'd suggest trying to switch this up a little.

I have no, Such a, Qualm. - Now I'm not poet but as a reader the 'Such a' broke the rhythm for me and didn't like make sense as a sentence? So maybe think about removing the 'a'

Overall -

This piece kind of sits oddly with me because I feel like I want to like it but I can't quite bring myself to like it too much. I like Arizona and how she's portrayed at the beginning, however I kind of found I had a disconnect when it came the ending.

Personally I didn't find the fact that she died was very impacting. It sort of just ended up feeling like a rushed ending that was trying to make me feel emotional but just missed the mark. It was like you were trying to beat the message of 'BULLYING IS BAD' over my head and that I should feel shocked just because you killed your main character and that didn't sit right with me.

Arizona kind of ended up being disjointed as a character. At the beginning you made it out as though she's above these people, she's intellectual and has a deeper understanding of people and what's going on. Then later you'd put in a line like this - 'The more they teased her, the less she wanted to live.' I found it hard to believe that she would break down that easily and I know you say that they tease her a lot but you don't show it. If someone like Arizona is just going to give up like that then I want to see it happening. Basically it felt too quick. The only way I'd be able to believably acknowledge that kind of change in a character is it were played out gradually. Right now I just feel mad at Arizona for giving up and cheated somehow?

I think you can also get your point across about bullying and about Arizona's powerful poems without needing to kill her. For me sometimes killing a character in a short piece is a semi-lazy way to try and shock people and wrap something up quickly.

If I were you I'd go back and think about who Arizona is and think about her character. Think about how you can stay true to who she is as a person and not about what's going to get the biggest rise out of your reader.

I think that's my main problem with this piece. You cheated Arizona out a more interesting story/ending.

That's not to say I hated this piece at all. I thought it was well written and there's definitely good ideas there. I obviously really like Arizona otherwise I wouldn't feel so strongly about the ending and that is a good sign! I just think you need to play with the idea a little more, experiment with different avenues you could take it down. Maybe flesh it out a little more.

Hope that was useful. PM me if you have any questions :)

Bex x




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Tue May 28, 2013 11:18 pm
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reowine wrote a review...



Holy goodness! Speaking of goodness, that's what this is!!!! What an amazing take on something that has been overused time and time again, and was truly original!

It's interesting how a girl who doesn't talk gets bullied, for I've never seen anyone picked on for just not talking. lol its always the ones who talk too much who get yelled at by those around them, again though, this is just from what I've seen.

Amazing use of added poetry to develop Arizona as a character. It coveys a sense of intellect and shows that she is indeed above everyone around her. Also I chuckled at the "shush bench", I'm guessing that was to show that these kids are pretty young, especially considering they have recess.

Excellent ending. It really shows how bullying can get to anyone, no matter how mature or developed they really are.

Hope you keep writing!!!





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