Young Writers Society

The lines in the first two stanzas feel two long, like each line could easily broken up in thirds. I'm not saying you should, but I would recommend it.

There's something about the chorus, maybe it's the rhyme scheme or something, that has a childlike air to it, but then the actually words of the lyrics are very dark and deep and it's an interesting combination that I really like. That might just be the song part coming through if that makes sense, I'm not sure.

This song tells a story and I love that. There's a very peculiar, dark air about it that's really amazing. Great job with the rhyme scheme by the way. And I love the repetition of "Oh fate, oh light, how strange."

Great job. Hope this review helped
-tgirly

Amazing, this really describes inner emotion, lost love, the fact you've come to realise you're in such a wonderful place to come to conclusion that you will fall to your fate, the light. How strange it is, but really a beautiful song, keep going with lyrics like yours - well, they're simply beautiful.
However I think you should adapt the last two lines, slightly, to fit the song in a better performance. I probably make no sense but that is exactly what I thought of your song as I read it through, and makes sense enough, and don't worry what I just wrote about sense - it doesn't make sense.
Overall, I'm pleased with this particular piece of work - one of my favourites up to now well done ~ Kazza

Heya fortis!

Awh, I don't like these lyrics, they're too sad! But in all seriousness this was really well written, and I think a particular strong point about this was the emotion which was shown in this. I don't know if you were trying to do that on purpose, but it didn't seem so and more something that sort of just happened. I also like how you've included places in here too, like the grass and stuff because that's good at really putting pictures in someone's mind.

My first suggestion to you is going to be about the rhyming. I thought in the first part of these lyrics, it worked really well, however it kind of got weaker from there. The rhymes seemed to forced and some of the lines seemed to be written just so it would rhyme. To me, rhyming in poetry isn't very necessary but with lyrics it's slightly different, because making catchy melodies is really hard if the lyrics don't have some form of rhyme. So I don't think you should get rid of the rhyming, but try not to rhyme for the sake of it. I think it's fine if some parts don't rhyme.

Also, well the title of this is 'Floating' so I was expecting more to do with floating. I'm not saying that songs have to include what there title is, but I think the idea of floating with this is really interesting and I'd like to see this idea expanded on a bit. It's mentioned briefly at the end, but I'd like to see more about how it feels to be 'floating' and what it means to the person because I'm sure you're not speaking literally here.

My final point is the structure is a bit all over the place. I'm not sure whether I'm looking at it as a poem or lyrics with music here- some would argue with poetry it really doesn't matter. Anyways it's all just a bit messy and I think I'd like to see a bit more of a structure to it. I think it's great that you've got loads of different sections, I mean Radiohead usually have like 10 different sections in their songs, but I also think it's important to have some kind of bit that repeats, so maybe you could try and add something like that in.

Overall though, this was truly really really lovely to read. I love the poetic elements in here, and it's done a very good job at making me sad! xD But yeah, it's good to show emotion in your writing, so well done. I hope this review helped! Feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review on anything.

Keep writing!
~ArcticMonkey x

Hi, just wana say I read and review at the same time.
Just by reading the first line i could tell that I would really like this piece.
I love the second paragraph. It says so much in so little words. The story there is wonderful. It so emotional as well, which is very good.
I absolutely adore how this is worded as well, its so beautiful. Your imagery is dead on.
This story is so beautiful, i can almost cry. good job. Keep on writing .

I really enjoyed this poem! I love the amount of details that you put into this. I could picture someone just lying at a gravestone of a loved one and just talking as though they were never gone. I also love that you repeat certain phrases to add emphasis. I can tell you spent some time on this and I want you to know it was time well spent! Great Job!