Fade to Gray

Hello! I am here to defeat the Black Plague, but still, as a fellow Green Lantern member, I must help even my rivals by giving you a review.

So here I am... YOU need MORE PERIODS. I learned this, and I did not learn it easily. My work is filled with reviews saying for more commas and periods. You don't need commas, but you need more periods... at the end of each line.

Now let's start working stanza by stanza (because I prefer to do it this way), and at some points I may seem harsh so I heavily warn you.

Jubilee in the black night
They danced under the white moon
A black train floats about the ground
While the white veil flies.

Laughter and glee
escaped their lips
The taste sweet on their tongues
Memories of warm berries in summer.

The white stallion
The black mare
Bipedal anomalies
Cantering circles around each other.

Hoof prints in the damp earth
Those hooves with tap shoes
Skirting the forested hillock
Traces of pine scented the air.

Never seen at day
They fled at dawn
When all the world was gray
And black blended with white.

fortis!

I don't think I've ever reviewed any of your work on here before! well there's a first time for everything . Anyways, I shall start off my review with the positives, and I think for me they might actually outweigh the negatives here. I'm not really a poet so I find it hard to comment on these things, but I think a particular strong point of this piece is the imagery that you've used. I think it created really vivid descriptions and that's really what I love to see in a poem. Also, the message, or at least what I'm gathering is the message, is really cool too- good job!

Now I will try and be helpful and also give some things to improve upon, although I'm finding it a bit tricky. I think something to mention which probably not everyone will agree with is the flow of this piece. Right now, it's a bit messy, some lines are much longer than other and when read it doesn't really read as easily as it could. This is all up to personal preference, but perhaps you could try to brush up on this a bit, maybe do a quick syllable count and see where you could change things?

My other point is that I do get the message of the poem, and I think it's really cool how it's kind of describing going from black to white and the changes that happen. However it kind of takes a while to get there, and although really well written, the middle stanzas of this poem aren't very engaging and a bit floaty.

Overall though, I really enjoyed reading this! I really liked the imagery you have used here and it works really well. Next steps would be to maaaaaybe work on the flow a bit and think about your message. I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review on anything.

Keep writing and Black Plague Forever!
~ArcticMonkey x

Hey Fortis here to review MERRY REVIEW DAY!

Stanza One
Alright, a very strong opening stanza. I read it a few times to try piece everything together, and I'm thinking it's a wedding. I liked your descriptions in this stanza also. Very vivid, and since this stanza is almost completely descriptions, so that's a must that you did well

Stanza Two
Another good stanza. Descriptions of dancing, I'm guessing the bride and groom dance. One thing I would have liked to see in this stanza is some adjectives. This is the happiest day of their lives. Show it! I know you go into it in the next stanza, but I still would have liked to see their joy in dancing.

Stanza Three
This stanza is a bit weaker than the others. Especially when you go into description of the 'taste' of happiness. For me the line "Memories of warm berrys in summer." this line just seems a bit....out of place for me. It might just be me but it doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the stanza.

Stanzas Four, Five and Six.
So i'm going to talk about the ending of this poem as a whole, because I raise similar issues.

Firstly, I'm wondering if it's a metaphor of horses to people, or good and bad. So i'm thinking it's good and evil coming together. I'm going to run with that.

So with this poem i'm seeing some sort of forbidden partnership, characterized by a black mare and white stallion. It's a very good concept, but I got a bit confused towards the end. Maybe it's just me, I tend to only see the literal sometimes. Sorry.

Just going to talk a bit about the last line. A VERY good closing line. It captivated me!

So very good poem, it confused me a bit, but I liked it.

Good Afternoon Fortis, my name is Ary and I'm here to review your literary work. (Ignore that pointing the obvious)

First things first, happy review day and 'may the odds be ever in your favor'.

Now, about the poem. It's truly a remarkable piece, because you are telling us a story here of how slowly what used to be divided, as black and white, in the end will blend and turn to grey. What I liked about this was the imagery of how you said this. It gives the reader a front row seat of what's transgressing throughout the poem, showing the lovely white stallion and the ethereal black mare going in circles until they unite. And what's interesting, is that I find myself picturing the ying and yang. Because you aren't merely giving us a representation of color blending, but of life; and that's truly a wonderful thing to depict in a literary work.

I think the only thing I would suggest is a comma here and there in the poem. Not for the tempo (because that was in good shape) but because of the way you continue some of the stanzas. Example:

Never seen at day
They fled at dawn
When all the world was gray
And black blended with white.

Never seen at day,
They fled at dawn,
When all the world was gray
And black blended with white.

I believe I have introduced myself in the past, but if not, I am SecreteJournalist... today reviewing for The Green Lanterns!

But, more importantly, onto the review!

The imagery in this poem is truly remarkable! I felt like I could see the image through your eyes... truly splendid.

No grammar or spelling mistakes as far as I can see, that makes me dance with glee! Hah, my strange attempt of rhyming. But anyway, this truly is a good poem. I don't know if this is just on my laptop or something, but ever line is capitalized. I am guessing you meant only to capitalize every sentence?

Your word play put a little zest into the poem, it was cool to examine the little things in the poem that makes it great. Zest.. I havnt used that word in a while, but it seems to suit this review.

But ANYWAY, great job! With a wee bit of fixing up, this will be marvelous! I have read your writing before, every time I really enjoy reading it! Keep writing, I love it!

~Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie

Hey Fortis love the poem. When I started it at the first stanza I thought there were two people at a party until I realized it was horses. The setting is also magical feels like it's enchanted. But if I'm getting any of this wrong please tell me. ( :