I was moving. Far away. Away from my friends and especially away from my boyfriend, Ryan. I did not cry, nor did show my anger, all I did was seem to die of spirit. One foot after another, I roamed the house slowly, saying goodbye to everything that soon will belong to a stranger.
"Ellie! Are you done getting ready? We have to be out of this house in twenty minutes!" shouted my mother for the third time, waking me up again. I groaned and pulled the covers over my head.
"Ellie! I cannot believe you are still in bed!" exclaimed my mother as I heard here stomping onto my room. Suddenly, I was staring up at my mother's red face.
"Get out of the bed now!" demanded my mother harshly. I just curled up into a little ball, trying to keep warm now the covers were gone.
"Stop acting like a baby. You're fourteen for heaven's sake!"
I continued to ignore her. I kept my eyes closed and realized thet it was suddenly quiet. I could not help taking a peek. My mother was folding my covers while shaking her head in disappointment.
"Your choice," she said, not looking at me as she pushed me off the bed.
"Ow!" I yelled unnecessarily as I hit the carpeted floor. My mother just pulled the sheets off, rolled it into a ball and hurried out and down the stairs.
I pushed myself into a sitting position and stared at my empty room. The bed, my bed was suppose to stay, but I tried to convince my mom in taking it. It was no use. I stood up, put on my blue slippers and walked out from my room, never to be in it again.
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If you want to make something "better", let me know.
Also, just to let you know, this chapter is suppose to be kind of short.
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139,365 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This was a pretty good story. You have presented an inevitable occurrence in one's life - change. I think you captured the narrator's emotions very well and I could feel her grief and her sadness at having to move away from her house. Her reaction was very believable and her reluctance to accept this change was perhaps the central theme of the story for me.
I did not understand the beginning very well. Was the narrator dreaming? Or was she imagining herself drifting further and further away from reality as she was struggling to accept the change that was being forced upon her? It is not very clear from your narration here and since this is the very beginning of the story you might want to sort that out for your readers. If they get confused in the very beginning, chances are they will not want to extend their confusion any further to get through the rest of the story.
This suggests that the narrator was mentally roaming every nook and corner of the house to wish farewell to this place she had spent her childhood in. However, I am having a little difficulty in imagining how she did this entire journey while staying in bed so perhaps you can make it clearer as well.
Well, already we have conflict between the mother and daughter. It is obvious that they share some differences and the mother is quite impatient when dealing with her daughter. Of course, we do not have enough information to make any more guesses, but I liked the way you gave us a hint of the nature of this relationship.
Overall, this feels like a part of something bigger, so maybe it is a novel? I certainly would love to learn more about Ellie and how she came to terms with this change in her life.
Keep writing and have a great day!
Yes, it really needs to be longer...right now I don't believe it's even one page. I've read books with very short chapters, but they're always at least more than one page. And I really think you could tap into the main characters emotions and feelings and thoughts more, to expand it and make it more interesting, yet adding to your word count at the same time!
One thing I thought was confusing and a little awkward:
Er...I was moving. Simply I just was? How can you get more simple than "i was moving"? Also, maybe try to specify more than 'I was moving' because at first I thought you were talking about lifting your arm, or walking or something.
Also, the entire first paragraph could be expanded into about four or five different paragraphs. You've got a lot of emotions and stuff to work with and expand, there! Take advantage of it!
Cheers. Pray, keep posting on this.
~MademoiselleKool
Well, that was an interesting start... though it was kind of short for a first chapter
I liked the action between Ellie and her mother. it was funny and didn't seem to be too unrealistic. It seemed to flow really well...
Overall, I like what you have so far... I just think you need to add more and flush it out a bit more to make it a tad bit longer. Other than that, this was a good, I look forward to reading the next chapter(s)!
Hm... very interesting. There are just some minor things that you need to change:
1. Stop acting like a baby. You're fourteen for heavens sake!"
Great way of showing Ellie's age. But heavens is supposed to be heaven's.
2. it was suddenly quiet.It could not help
Space between the sentences.
Other than those, this is interesting, and I want to see where this is headed. And, if you can, try to make your chapters longer. There isn't much we can critique if you don't. If not, then combine chapters.
Well, good job!
BBB