To start out, life is very precious as you all know. You never do want to die. Who would? Unfortunately, you all have to sometime and it is better off that way, sometimes. Think about it, if you lived forever, you will see the world end. Even if the earth no longer existed, you still will be. Now, that is pretty scary.
Well, I don't really exist anymore myself. I hope you know what I mean because I really don't like talking about it. NO offense, but in my past experiences I have seen many dumb people and just in case I should probably tell you what I mean. I am dead. There I said it. I have no life. I died. I don't even remember how.
Since I have no life, there is nothing really to talk about.
Wait! There is someone. I would not call it stalking, but I follow...someone where ever that...person goes. Luckily that...person never saw me or did...he?
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I watched Connor as he woke up. He stretched and yawned, his eyes closing as he fell asleep again. He was definitely going to be late for school. I moved in closer slowly and stopped right next to his bed. All I could see were the ends of his hair sticking out from under the pillow. He should definitely get the job for be a groundhog. I walked through the bed as Connor stirred. Steeling my self I went through the bed again. I did it over and over again enjoying myself.
"Stop it," muttered as he sat up. I froze. He looked directly at me then scanned his whole room.
"That was weird. It felt like someone was tickling me," he said to himself as I moved myself to the far corner of his room.
Did he see me? I never knew people could feel my touch. I'm dead!! I thought questioningly as Connor disappeared into the bathroom. I waited for him to come out and went to sit on his bed. I could have gone through it, but I decided not to so I could sit.
He finally came out his teeth brushed and hair brushed. His hair did not look any better. He stopped to look towards my direction as I looked back at him puzzled. Could he see me? I was not sure.
He looked away and walked out, his usually neat bed unmade.
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139,365 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
The beginning was a little rough for me, but I felt myself wanting to read more. Maybe a bit of discription of your characters would help. Short or not, it was good reading.
Hummingbird
Oh my gosh. I absolutely loved it! This was amazing! I could totally picture what was going on and stuff. Wow! Pawprint, this was by far the best you have ever written. This is great!
If you decide to write more, pretty pretty pretty please PM me. This was the best story (chapter) I have ever read!
Ah! I am your #1 fan!
BBB
Wow, It's nice to get in touch with you again. Very nice idea here, I was intrigued. Quite a few minor tense issues, which should be taken care of.
THe other thing I noticed is the beggining, which has a bit of rouch transition.
Other than that, this was very interesting, and good job.
Why is this here? It should be in the "Other Fiction" Category since, yeah, it's unusual, but not unusual enough not to be considered fiction. And, hey, first chapters are not SUPPOSED to be SHORT. Those are called prologues, or small introductions. Chapters are usually longer, although that is up to the writer. Personally, I think chapters should be at least ten pages long and have significant things happen in them, or else you'll end up with 54 chapters, and what's the point of having chapters then? It feels like cataloguing.
Anyways, your story is intriguing. I was writing a story about a dead person too, but mine doesn't stalk people. It's interesting. But the way it was written... It needs polishing. Like, Connor talking to himself. People don't actually do that. Well, yeah, they do, but they never go: "That was weird. It felt like..." They only do that in movies. Most of the time, they'll go: "That was weird." And stop. Dialogue is something I'm very picky on, since if there's something that can kill a story for me, is unrealistic dialogue.
Good idea, anyways.
I bet a lot of people don't visit the Other category!
The first chapter for me is always SUPPOSE to be SHORT.
Thanks.
"Think about it, if you lived forever, you will see the world end"
"will" should be "would"
"Even if the earth no longer existed, you still will be."
"will be" should be something like "would exist"
"He should definitely get the job for be a groundhog"
"be" should be "being"
I couldn't find anything else wrong with it. It is intriguing, but I think it's too short.