z

Young Writers Society



(no subject)

by Pawprint


CHAPTER 1

It just had to be night for the rest of my life, didn't it? Stuck down here in the earthy darkness, my only light source an oil lamp. Everyone had there own in my family. Each of them unique in their own way. My oil lamp was painted gold with streaks of blazing red melted into it. Engraved on it's sides were small dancing suns, if the did really look like that. I doubt it dances though. Sometimes I wish I could escape from this darkness and see the world above me. Of course that will never happen since I am literally stuck down here, my whole family is.

My mother's was actually in the shape of a grand ball gown. The metal lilac skirts always seemed to be flowing no matter how cold and stiff it felt. My father's oil lamp is darkness itself when not lit.It is an ordinary black oil lamp that looks mighty spooky when lit.

My little sister, Mandy is still too young to handle a lamp of her own so instead she carries around glowing plants of all kinds in a jar.

I felt a light tap on my shoulder as I read an old book that has been passed down through generations, I believe. I turned to see my mother, holding up her oil lamp down to see what I was doing. She raised an eyebrow, amused, when she saw that I was holding the book I have read millions of times.

"Dani, make yourself useful and find us some dinner," asked my mother almost too sweetly.

Something is wrong,I thought, but being like myself I did not think about it enough. I closed my book, picked up my oil lamp and made my way to the Herb Hall.

__________________________

Bad right?

Pawprint


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
721 Reviews


Points: 7241
Reviews: 721

Donate
Tue Oct 23, 2007 2:59 am
Azila wrote a review...



Very original and exciting, Paw! However, there are quite a few little teeny tiny grammar/spelling mistakes which make it seem like you don't care about your writing even if you do :wink: And you definitely don't want to give that impression. I know it isn't true, but other people don't! And also, it kind of makes it hard to get through to the plot if you have to struggle to get through the mistakes (I'm exaggerating, obviously ...but you get what I mean, right?)
Anyway, PLEASE tell me when you post more of this! I want to read it!!!

Good job and good luck!
~Azila




User avatar
25 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 25

Donate
Mon Oct 22, 2007 8:02 pm
Polkadots wrote a review...



I liked it. The idea of a personal lamp is interesting. The story makes the reader curious. Does she live in the this "dark, earthy" place? Why? The only problem I can note is the description of her sister not having a lamp was a bit awkward. You might want to rephrase it or nix it all together. Besides that, good piece keep writing.




User avatar
135 Reviews


Points: 1040
Reviews: 135

Donate
Mon Oct 22, 2007 2:33 am
cat4prowl wrote a review...



this was good. you made me wonder about your character and if i knew where to find more i would read it. the idea is unique and the writing is good. there are a few grammatical errors like words running together or leaving a letter off, but i liked it. good job!




User avatar
247 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 247

Donate
Sun Oct 21, 2007 7:28 pm
Fangala the Flying Feline wrote a review...



This is NOT bad! I really enjoyed this; the lamp idea is wonderfully creative and intriguing. You did a good job with Dani's voice, making her sound like a real person, which can be hard to do in just a few paragraphs. You have an interesting story, so keep going with it!




User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 6

Donate
Sun Oct 21, 2007 6:42 pm
Truly_Alone8 wrote a review...



It's not bad... don't put yourself down like that.

It's very interesting... I've never heard of anybody else making their characters have their own personal lamp. Dani's voice came through in the writing. I liked that you didn't go into over detail about the lamp, which I've seen other writers do to some objects. It would have been nice, though, if it was longer

There were some grammatical errors, like there should be comma in the first sentence after life, you forgot to add the "d" in "down" in the last sentence of the first paragraph, and in the third paragraph you forgot to add the "t" in "to" after young. There are some more, but you could find those on your own I assume. :smt003

Those things are fixable, however. I don't have a lot more to say... it was really good. I hope you continue... keeping readers in suspense is horrible.

Adieu! :smt023





Is that a carrot?
— WeepingWisteria