Little Book #1

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: So this was a really interesting start to a novel that you've got here. It definitely gets your attention right away although this one does feel maybe just a little bit like a prologue as opposed to a first chapter but then I might get that feeling just because of how short it is.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I walked through the town streets, retraining myself from running. It was a dreary afternoon and not many people populated the usually crowded streets. Even with a clear pathway, I still could not run. It will surely draw attention to myself. Then attention will be drawn to my unusually bright green eyes with black where the whites should be. I did not want to be in that kind of risk. Not now in my haste.

I think you actually meant to say restraining there. Other than that this is a wonderful establishing shot that you've created. Not only have you described the surroundings and what the protagonist is doing but you also managed to tell us some hidden facts about the protagonist and that is great to see.

I was late, and late was never good for these occasions. This was one of the few rare meeting with my mother. With her being a pure faerie and I a half-ling, we barely ever see each other. No being with even a drop of human blood was allowed in the mound. With time running differently in the mound, I met my mother every few years.

That does sound like a pretty harsh life to have to live right there. Definitely immediately gets us interested in the why and gets us feeling sympathetic to this protagonist.

I panted loudly, not used to even the shortest amount of running. I searched the clearing for my mother, but she was no where to be seen.

Okay that sounds contradictory. If he had to restrain himself from running like you mentioned in the first chapter people including me would assume he's someone who runs a lot is and is trying to curb that. This suggests completely the opposite so maybe consider rephrasing.

"Today is your birthday," she stated simply; suddenly. My eyes widened. I had forgotten completely. It wouldn't have mattered if I lived by faerie years, but unfortunately I lived the short lives of humans.

Well that was a wonderful coincidence and quite sad that she may end up dead well before her mother because of human years. That's a nice bit of extra emotional fodder injected in here.

"First, you must promise me to never share this with other. Keep it to yourself and keep it safe, Melli," I stared at her, slightly surprised that she had called me by my name. She barely ever had.

Interesting little detail that you reveal to the audience there about the name. Also nice subtle way to tell us about the name.

I untied the string that held the bundle together, letting the wrapping fall away. A small leather book lay in my hands. No title; no designs.

"What is it?" No one answered. I looked up to find myself alone.

Oooh this sounds like an absolutely amazing way to start off a novel. I know that I would for sure be reading on from this point if this was how the first chapter ended. Wonderful cliffhanger that you've got here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall there were some really intriguing things that you introduced in this chapter and I would definitely have loved to find out more about it should it have been posted at the time. Now it's far too late. You've done a pretty good job introducing the characters here too and we can definitely get a sense for the sort of relationship they have which is really nice to see at the start of a story.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Hey Pawprint! I'm Scasha! Anyway here's my review crit:
Red = Comments
Bold = words I've inserted that I think work better with your piece.
Let's do this thing.

Pawprint wrote:Chapter 1

I walked through the town streets, restraining myself from running. It was a dreary afternoon and not many people populated the usually crowded streets. Even with a clear pathway, I still could not run. It [s]will [/s] would surely draw attention to myself. Then attention will be drawn to my unusually bright green eyes with black where the whites should be. The sentence I underlined was a bit awkward. Please reword/rephrase I did not want to put myself [s]be[/s] in that kind of risk. Not now [s]in my haste[/s].

I was late, and late was never good for these occasions. This was one of the few rare meeting with my mother. With her being a pure faerie and I a half-ling, we barely ever saw each other. No being with even a drop of human blood was allowed in the mound. With time running differently in the mound, I met my mother every few years. Watch the verb tenses. Be careful not to jump between past and present. It can get a bit confusing

The small crowd around me started to thin out until there was no one roaming the streets. When I spotted the forest trees not too far [s]of a distance [/s]away, I bolted. I slowed down when I entered the forest, but didn't stop until I reached the clearing where my mother and I usually meet.

I panted loudly, not used to even the shortest amount of running. The way the last paragraph was phrased, I didn't get the feeling that your MC was running. Maybe have her lungs sting in the cold win, her feet pound the pavement. Show us that she is running I searched the clearing for my mother, but she was no where to be seen.
Mother probably had already left. I sighed.

"You're late, Daughter,"

I swiveled around towards the musical voice that whispered behind me. My mother stared right into my eyes, unblinking.

"I'm sorry, Mother," [s]was all [/s]I said, unable to think of an explanation. She continued to stare silently.

"You have my eyes," she said, breaking the silence. She always pointed that out at our meetings. I just nodded, finally looking away.

"Today is your birthday," she stated simply; [s]suddenly[/s]. My eyes widened. I had forgotten completely. It wouldn't have mattered if I lived by faerie years, but unfortunately I lived the short lives of humans.

"Well I have something for you, Daughter," Mother said. I turned and watched her pull out a small bundle from the folds of her cloak. She held it out towards me, beckoning for me to come closer [s]gently[/s]. I slowly extended my hand to grasp it. Before I could, she pulled it away, out of my reach.

"First, you must promise me to never share this with other humans or faeries. Keep it to yourself and keep it safe, Melli," I stared at her, slightly surprised that she had called me by my name. She barely ever did.

I nodded and started to reach for the bundle again, but Mother shook her head.

"No, Daughter, you must speak your promise,"

"I promise, Mother," I said, my voice shaking slightly. She smiled and handed it to me.

I untied the string that held the bundle together, letting the wrapping fall away. A small leather book lay in my hands. No title; no designs.

"What is it?" No one answered. I looked up to find myself alone.

Ooooh I liked it! Well done Pawprint. I was engaged throughout the entire piece, which is hard for writers to do. Very well done. I loved the characterization of her mother. Very stony, silent, strict that kind of thing.
General suggestions:

Where Are We?: Okay, I had a lot of trouble forming some sort of setting in my mind. I think the main thing that you were missing in this piece was solid paragraphs of description. It was mainly all action or information. I would have liked to see more of what the streets looked like and the woods and her mother. Description is important, just be careful not to overdo it.

Other than that, I loved it! PM me if you have any questions!