Prologue
"Your Highness, the princess is missing!" Nurse Mira breathed after her run to find the Queen.
"Impossible!" exclaimed the Queen standing up from her throne. Nurse Mira took a deep breath.
"It is true. I went to check on the princess in her slumber to find her crib empty! She could not run of on her own for she is just a new born. Someone surely must have stolen her!" sobbed Nurse Mira. The Queen's eyes turned cold.
"Show me," demanded the Queen. Nurse Mira nodded her head, her white cap bobbing
"This way, My Queen," instructed Nurse Mira as she turned and led the Queen to the princess's room. Sure enough when they reached the crib it was empty. The Queen went down to her knees as tears trickled down her cheeks. Nurse Mira remained standing, staring into the crib with a sad expression. Suddenly, The Queen stood up and wiped away her tears. Her eyes were serious and her jaw was set.
"Call for the guards and instruct them to search for the princess," demanded The Queen. Nurse Mira nodded sadly and curtsied.
"There is no time for that! Now go!" demanded The Queen and Nurse Mira fled, mid-curtsy. The Queen looked one last time at the empty crib and left the room, closing the door behind her, never to be opened again.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Blue Princess#1Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,362 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hello! Here to review!
This is very wordy for a very simple scene and a lot of it is redundant.
'Nurse Mira breathed after her run to find the Queen.' - why mention Nurse Mira breathing? Do you mean she was out of breath? 'to find the Queen' - considering she is addressing the Queen, you don't need to mention that she was running to find her.
'"It is true. I went to check on the princess in her slumber to find her crib empty! She could not run of on her own for she is just a new born. Someone surely must have stolen her!" - again, very wordy and doesn't sound authentic. It's the Queen's baby, she knows she's a new born. I know its for the reader's benefit, but there's better ways to relay this information.
'"This way, My Queen," instructed Nurse Mira as she turned and led the Queen to the princess's room. Sure enough when they reached the crib it was empty. ' - again, we know the crib is empty. The way it's still got a sentence devoted to something we already know is clunky. 'The Queen dropped to her knees as her eyes hit the empty crib' or something similar would fit better. There is it at least combined with the action of the character.
Hope this all helps!
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression:
Anyway let's get right to it,
Ooooh well we're certainly starting off with some fairly high stakes right there. It definitely does a very good job of immediately snapping up your attention with a statement like that. I think its a very good choice of start there. The emotions on display there are also quite nicely done I think. The way that the queen is acting seems to be a little bit off but perhaps this is because the queen doesn't fully believe the maid yet, so let's see where this takes us first.
Well that unfolded about as well as one would expect something like that too I think. You did a pretty solid job there of displaying the urgency with which that reponse happened. I still think the maids reaction appears to be the better of the two and a bit stronger than the queen although now we do have a slightly more ominous undertone happening there vis a vis the queen and we do get to see a bit more of her own emotions although it appears she's perhaps just quite a bit better at hiding them than the maid happens to be which would certainly make sense. And well overall, I think it all comes together to make for a pretty solid prologue here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall:
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Guys, this was written in 2007, I don't think the author wants much more help with it. I'm going to lock it.
(If Pawprint is around and wants it unlocked, she should be able to do so herself, else just give me or another mod a shout!)
*LOCKED*
hi Pawprint!
Okay so i like the mysterious feel this prologue sets up, and i can tell its going to be an interesting story. I (sorry seraphtree) like that she has a special relationship with her daughter, unlike most queen's, but maybe you could elaborate? anyways...
she could not have run off
She is demanding, so this should probably be an (!) rather than a (,)
I like this story! going to read the next chapter now
zib
hey, there, pawprint. i thought that this was piece was pretty good and straight to the point, but i've noticed a few things within this work:
1.
i think that you should instead be like, Surely, someone must have stolen her!. like, switch around the surely and someone.
2.
i honestly don't think that the m in My Queen should be capitalized.
3.
i'd add a comma between crib and it.
4.
again, i don't think the t in The should be capitalized, either. you have a few where you did capitalize where you shouldn't have. read over it and catch 'em, kay?
i hoped this helped, and if it didn't, then oh, well. haha.
overall: i liked this piece, and i'm looking forward to read the other chapters.
-julie (:
Hello Pawprint
:D:D:D:D:
:D:D
Also, we need some thought bubbles from the nurse, since she appears to be the main character at the moment. We need to know why the queen's eyes turn cold too; she could think the nurse was lying, or is worried about her lineage in this particular place.
Also, why is the queen sad? If you look at monarchs, in Europe at least, most marriages were arranged, and their child is a HUGE political bonus because, technically, they are from two countries. The children have activities such as Hawking, Riding, etiquette, Astronomy, learning languages... oh, I can't remember the rest. Basically, in Western Euroupe, the parents and children saw very little of eachother, because they always have different things to do. 
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D This will help your story, embellish her character, and make her sound more realistic. For example, you could have her execute a political rival that has been causing trouble... or something. 
)
:D:D:D:D:D:D
You can go far with this. I know you can. 
+:) =:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
I noticed a couple of things (trying to keep it short and sweet here)
"Your Highness, the princess is missing!" Nurse Mira breathed after her run to find the Queen
With your next sentence of the Queen being in the throne room, why would the nurse have to find her? Details please.
"It is true. I went to check on the princess in her slumber to find her crib empty! She could not run of on her own for she is just a new born. Someone surely must have stolen her!" sobbed Nurse Mira. The Queen's eyes turned cold.
This language seems to be a bit too formal. The nurse is obviously freaking out, so I doubt she would use proper english
"This way, My Queen," instructed Nurse Mira as she turned and led the Queen to the princess's room. Sure enough when they reached the crib it was empty. The Queen went down to her knees as tears trickled down her cheeks. Nurse Mira remained standing, staring into the crib with a sad expression. Suddenly, The Queen stood up and wiped away her tears. Her eyes were serious and her jaw was set
Hmmm.... wouldn't the queen know the way to her daughter's room?
I suggest you research the monarchs you are modeling the queen after.
"Call for the guards and instruct them to search for the princess," demanded The Queen. Nurse Mira nodded sadly and curtsied.
The Queen should probably interrupt the curtsey, considering the next paragraph.
Overall:
Well....... it's a little short. We need to know where this is taking place, and an idea where the baby went, even if it's a false idea. Also, we need to know more thought bubbles from either the Queen or the nurse.
The Pros:
The Queen: A political power, her baby missing, the future of her kingdom at stake (unless she has more children and/or can have more), possible political enemies, and the POWA to use every resource possible to find her child. She can make the search blatantly obvious, or TOTALLY secret.
The Nurse: Takes care of the baby, possibly the only person who know the girl inside and out, and more than likely has at least an idea where the tot would be ("she might be with the maid...") and will probably the one to go and find her.
The Cons:
The Queen: It is very possible that people will come up to her with a false find of her daughter, get the money, and leave. Even if the Queen has POWA, she doesn't have THAT much POWA. She can't be looking for her child all the time, because she has a country to run, political games to play... plus, she would probably have to keep it secret from her court, because someone ther could go MOOWAHAHAHA and kill her and take the POWA. (Sorry, I like that word
The Nurse: Unlike the Queen, the Nurse has limited resources. Even though she works in the castle, she can only do so much. Her story would need a great deal of struggle to be successful, such as her journey, bandits... just lots of struggle, otherwise her story would seem unrealistic.
You could switch points of view even. One chapter about the queen, the other about the nurse. If you're going to write about the princess, I suggest you change the prologue so it's less obvious.
For example, you can have the nurse look at the expensive blanket or clothes of the daughter, or call the Queen "m'lady" but never by her title, i.e., "your highness, your magesty." Well, you CAN use 'Highness,' but be careful with it, because most people imagine royalty. OR... you could have Mira call the Queen by her first name because she raised the Queen as well. Yes, that would make Mira very old, but it would make her story interesting
WELL...... ............................
That's all I have to say. Keep writing Paw.
"for she is just a new born."
New born = newborn.
Hey! I liked this. You have written better, but this leaves with a good sense of mystery, which I really liked. It is short, but that is how you like to write.
I liked it. I hope you write more!
BBB