I stared at the book that lay in wrinkled Christmas wrapping paper.
"SO what do you think?" asked Grandma, as she studied my face. I looked at her with a fake smile.
"Oh, it's great Grandma!" I lied. Grandma looked at my parents with triumph as they looked back at her with worried expressions. I stared back down at the book and my fake smile now gone.
"Well, that was your last present, you may now go and read the book, " suggested Grandma with a wide smile. I nodded slowly and got up with the book in my hands as I made my way towards my room.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Peter Pan," I read out loud. I looked at it with disgust. This story is for little kids. My grandmother must still think I am five or something! She is eight years behind!
I threw the book to the floor and took out my CD player and turned on the music on high volume. I tapped my feet to the beat as I took out a magazine and started flipping through it. After a few minutes, I glanced towards the area where the book landed, but instead of seeing a book, I saw feet. I froze and slowly raised my eyes to find my grandmother glaring at me. I quickly snatched off my headphones and turned off the music.
"Hi Grandma," I said sweetly as I nervously glanced at the book in her hands. She didn't smile. I sighed.
"Grandma, I can explain-"
"How this book ended up on the floor?" asked my grandmother stiffly.
"Oh, it must have fallen," I suggested nervously. My grandmother just shook her head.
"Kids these days rarely read books anymore. Instead they entertain themselves with all this junk," said my grandmother as she eyed my CD player.
"Jane, you must understand that this book is more than just a story. It actually hap-"
"Mother," said my mother harshly as she appeared at my doorway. My grandmother froze and reluctantly turned around.
"Yes?" asked my grandmother.
"I must talk to you, now," said Mother and stiffly walked away. After a moment, my grandmother left without looking back. Silently, I climbed off my bed and tip-toed out into the hallway, leaned over the banister and waited to hear the voices.
"Mother, what were you thinking when you gave Jane that book?" asked my mother angrily. There was a moment of silence before my grandmother answered.
"I thought it good for her to know some history,"
"History! Mother, in reality, that never really happened!"
"Molly, I was there, I met him, and it happened!" said my grandmother stiffly.
"Mother, Jane must know nothing of this! She will live a normal life and not waste her time dreaming!" whispered my mother harshly. After that the voices were too low for me to hear. I walked back to my room dazed.
Who is him? I wondered
End of chapter
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139,365 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
This was a rather intriguing start to the story. We already have all the foundations for a great mystery here and I loved the neutral tone you maintained throughout the story in order to maintain the balance between the mystery and the story told through a teenage voice. It is very obvious that the narrator is entering her teenage years given the angst and the slight attitude that is evident in her narration. It will be interesting to see where the story goes from here.
I was a little confused at first because I could not understand what is so wrong with gifting your thirteen year old daughter Peter Pan. I am nearing eighteen and I was reading the book just a few days ago. Its a classic children's tale and I could not find any reason why anyone would hate Peter Pan. Unless of course, the narrator had set great expectations on this gift - in that situation, I can understand her anger and disappointment. Still, I thought her entire reaction and tantrum was a little unnecessary.
Your story is set in more or less a fast pace, and while it worked well with the overall impatience that is evident in the MC's narration, the transition in this part was a little abrupt. One action follows another and since there is no gap in between, the surprise arrival of the narrator's grandmother in her room does not really create the same effect. Maybe space out your plot points a bit. Expand on the other elements of the story. For example, you could have spent some time exploring the narrator's thoughts, what she would have preferred as a gift instead. Maybe you could have described the state of the room or the music she was listening and how it was making her feel. All these little descriptions and points may seem unnecessary to the general plot of the story, but they make for incredible world-building. The readers feel more engaged in the story when they know these little details about your character.
There are too many actions in this single sentence. There are too many verbs cluttering up the same sentence and makes it a little difficult to read the entire sentence in one breath. You need to break it up into two sentences so that there is more space between the verbs and it is not as difficult to read anymore.
Whoa, this made me wonder what the story is actually about. It doesn't really have a title, and you have mentioned its a fanfiction in the description. As a result, we really do not have much ground to cover with our guesswork. But it does make me wonder if the 'him' they were talking about was Peter Pan himself. After all, that was a repetitive theme in the original story. And now I am wondering if the narrator's grandmother believes herself to be Wendy...
Either ways, this first chapter did a really good job in setting the mystery. It intrigues the reader and makes them immediately want to figure out what exactly is going on in this world.
Keep writing and have a great day!
[quote]
Oooooh- Who is him? Suspense!!
Ok, critty time!!:
I'm guessing SO is a typo, and there should probably be a comma after it.
You should have quotations here, and probably put thoughts in italics. Just a suggestion.
Same here- quotations are your friends!
Good work, though. I can't wait to see how this turns out- I'm a fan of Peter Pan stories myself. XD