This is something that I will write, just letting the story take place randomly.
I don't know how to explain, but I would not be thinking about how this is. I it would not have a story line really unless I am lucky and it comes out good and makes sense. Something I just want to try. I think day dreaming will help. Well, here it goes!
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I layed in the cold, my eyes closed. I refused to open them when I heard shouting. It was too faint for me to hear clearly, still to far away.
"Tarina, your name is being called," whispered a voice, high and soft. I closed my eyes tighter.
"Open your eyes!" demanded the voice. I frowned and shook my head.
"Tarina, they are your people. Now open your eyes and let them know you are here," demanded the voice again. I stubbornly refused.
I yelped in surprise as I felt a sharp pinch on my nose. I froze, my eyes still closed. The shouting had stopped.
"Tarina! Call to them! They have heard you. They must hear you again." said the voice brightly and urgently. Then I felt an even sharper pinch on my ear and I couldn't help, but yelp louder. The shouting started up again. My eyes flew open as I realized it was coming closer.
I turned my head and glared at my fairy, Lilac. She smiled back at me, sheepishly as she perched on the only visible pebble under the snow covered bush.
"They had to find you Tarina. You are not well," she whispered nervously. I made a grab at her, but then groaned loudly as pain shot through my arm.
"She what I mean?" teased Lilac. I stared at my now limp arm, confused.
How had this happened? I looked up at Lilac questioningly.
"You fell," replied Lilac simply as she looked away. She was not telling me something. I was about to ask here clearly, this time by speaking and not relying on her mind reading, when I the bush shook and a familiar face cam into view.
"I found her!" called the kitchen boy. I closed my eyes, I did not want to go back...
"Tarina! Oh, I was so worried! Are you alright?" asked a familiar voice, my mother's voice. I ignored her. Then more voices joined hers as someone lifted me by my arms and quickly let go when I let out a painful groan. I kept my eyes tightly closed as they started lifting me by my torso.
"What is wrong with her arm?" asked my mother worriedly.
"It must be broken," someone answered.
"Tarina, you will become well, soon and when you do, we will have a chance to escape again," whispered Lilac in my ear. I smiled slightly as I heard those words.
"Did you here that?" someone asked suddenly. Everyone stopped.
"It sounded llike bells," continued the unknown person. Everyone remained still for a while before we continued on our way again. I smiled, it was wonderful that no one could see or understand Lilac other than me, or else they would have known I had wanted to leave instead of being kidnapped.
Great, Lilac and I would have to make a struggle scene again in my bedroom to make it seem I have been kidnapped, again. Or do we? It is not like I would ever return.
I heard Lilac giggle as she read my thoughts before I slipped out of consciousness.
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139,504 Literary Works • 672,591 Reviews
i agree with over easy in a way. it is easy to picture the actions, but not the characters. What does the fairy look like? is she a tinkerbell sorta thing? how deep is the snow? a few inches or a few feet? did it cause her accident? overall though i think you have a good idea and it has a lot of potential.
this story caught my attention quickly. i hope you post more soon. i am very curious to know why only Tarina has a fairy and how she got one. how she can read minds, is it everyones mind or just her fairy's. why does she want to run away? it seems like she has tried a few times before. why doesnt anyone realize this and do something about it? i also think its interesting that the fairy calls tarinas mom and "kitchen boy" her "people". does that mean she is some kind of royalty or is it just how the fairy refers to her family etc. AH so many questions! i hope you are able to do more with this story. i will definitely look for future posts. Good Job!
This is pretty good! My only big comment would be that the characters are a bit shallow. With just a tad more character development I think you should enter this into the Mark Twain Workshop!!
That should be laid... or even lay.
This is another major issue. Why doesn't she want to open her eyes? is it because she's tired? In pain from her fall? Just doesn't want to deal with the people? I think you should clarify... Maybe say something like "my body ached all over and a sleepiness weighed down my eyelids. I frowned and shook my head."
A little description here would be nice--what does Lilac (nice name for a fairy, by the way) look like? How big is she? Where is the whole thing taking place? In a garden? Is it sunny? Cloudy? Rainy? Day? Night? Morning? Evening? Warm? Cool? Hot? Cold? Dry? Wet? Etc.
I think that should be have.
Should be see.
You should move the comma after 'well' to after 'soon'
Firstly, you should definitely delete 'great' It makes the flow... weird. Also, the whole thing is a little awkward. I suggest you rephrase to something like: "Lilac and I would have to make another struggle scene in my bedroom, I thought, to make it seem as though I had been kidnapped again--or would we? It wasn't like I would ever return."
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That's it. Other than that, I'd say you should just add more character description and development and you'll be good to go!
PM me if you have questions!
~Azila~
It's short but interesting. You do need to proof read (As is mentioned above) your work or maybe use a spell/ Grammar checker to avoid minor mistakes. Here are some mistakes that I noticed and have not been mentioned yet.
"I was about to ask here clearly, this time by speaking and not relying on her mind reading, when I the bush shook and a familiar face cam into view."
"ask her clearly", "when I the bush" this makes no sense, you're either missing a word or you have one too many.
"Did you here that?"
here should be hear
"It sounded llike bells,"
llike should be like.
Other than that it's pretty good.
An interesting beginning, it draws you in well. Just be careful with your commas, apart from that, looking forward to seeing more.
Well it certainly draws you in and makes you want to know more. The characters don't have a whole lot of depth to them yet, I can't really tell a whole bunch about them yet.
Good descriptions, you can always tell what is happening, so that is very good.
"She what I mean?" - I think you mean "see."
"A familiar face cam into view" - came
"They had to find you Tarina." - put a comma between "you" and "Tarina"
Tarina and Lilac are great. They seem like such light, playful characters. In fact, the whole story somehow felt light and bouncy to me. Maybe I'm just weird.
The beginning and end were really nice. The story started out so neutral and elements were woven in as it progressed. Then, towards the end, you find out that this accident was the result of something not so accidental.
Great job. This could really go places.
I like the name "Tarina"
There needs to be a comma preceding "as."
There needs to be a comma following "again" instead of a period.
Unnecessary comma.
Think you are looking for "see."
Avoid ellipses.
I recommend a period instead of a comma there, to emphasize "my mother's voice" and to improve fluency.
"Worriedly" is superfluous as the statement itself expresses a worry.
misplacement of comma
Other than grammatical errors here and there, the story is solid and interesting. With a few refinements, it could show a lot of potential. Stick with it
Good story! It hooked me and I really want to know what happens next!
I wouldn't have the word 'soft' there.There were some grammatical errors, so remember to proofread!
Other than that, there wasn't much to crit.
I also wouldn't use the word again (where it's underlined) it's just unecessary.
The bolded sentence is quite vague and doesn't really make sense, so you might want to clarify that.
PM me when you write more!