More Than Just Trees #1

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Well this was quite an interesting piece. Very ambiguous and telling us next to nothing about what's going on. And that's pretty good. It does its job of being pretty mysterious and producing quite some tension. The flow is also quite nice and the story is pretty easy to read. The start of this was a little confusing though so that's there too. Usually the start has to be good if you want people to read the story and I think the start of this one doesn't really do that great of a job.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I entered my new home, hoping that I will not be meeting any things here. Oblivious to the fully furnished rooms, I made my way up the carpeted stairs and into a pale green room.

This line is the best part of this whole opening. This one does a good job of building some tension and foreshadowing some possibly bad things to come.

“Eliza, you should know better! There is a bed right next to you and here I find you on the floor!” my mother scolded, as if I was still five. Usually, I would have yelled at her, to stop treating me like a child. Instead, I turned my head to stare stupidly at the bed. The covers matched the walls, almost blending in.

Points for a realistic way for this character's name to be revealed. And a pretty nice description there too.

“Oh…” was all I said. My mother just threw her hands up in the air before walking out and back down the stairs. I slowly pulled back the covers, enjoying the swoosh sound as the sheets wrinkled up. Without any reason, I pulled off the covers violently and let it slip from my hands, onto the floor. The bed was bare and that was how I liked it in the summers.

I'm not really seeing how that whole last bit is of any importance to the story but its subtle enough to not break the flow so it isn't that big of a deal.

Laying in the fresh covers slowly lulled me to sleep. I was still somewhat awake when I heard a noise from somewhere downstairs. I ignored it for a while as it awakened me even more. With a groan, I pealed myself of my bed and loudly clumped down the stairs. When I reached the bottom, I listened for the sound. It had suddenly stopped. I waited a little more, waiting for it to come back, but it never did. Suddenly, the door to my right opened causing me to let out a short scream. I stared at my mother’s startled face with some relief. Her expression quickly changed into a disapproving look. I mentally groaned.

This is a pretty good moment of tension building right there. It does a fairly decent job of really hooking the reader to the story. Starting the whole story here would probably have worked even better in my opinion.

“I thought I heard something,” I answered shrugging my shoulders. My mother sighed before shooing me back to bed. Once I wake up, I never was able to go back to bed. I roamed my new room even though there was barely anything to look at. Trying to go back to sleep will be a waste of time. I sighed, slouching. Suddenly, I straightened my back when I heard the same noises again. I froze, listening intently, trying to pin point from around where it was coming from. I knew it was downstairs, but it sounded far and faint. It was probably coming from past my parent’s room. This time, I slowly and carefully crept down the stairs. I tip toed past my parent’s door and down the hallway. I suddenly spotted a light, coming from the left corner. The noise was louder now. It sounded of wrappers crumpling and chewing. I took a slow and quiet deep breath before I jumped out and found myself facing a kitchen. The refrigerator was wide-open, lighting half of the kitchen. The noises stopped abruptly and I spotted figures squatting on the floor. They were still for a moment before they started to rise. I quickly scrambled for the light switch on the wall closest to me, hoping I would find it there. When I found it, I flicked it on and light flooded the kitchen. I squinted my eyes at the sudden brightness. Remembering the figures, I opened my eyes wide, tearing at the attempt. A boy and a girl stared back at me. They were about my age with light traces of dirt smeared on the faces. The girl was petite and thin, probably from the lack of food. Her striking blue eyes studied me carefully, seeming a little frightened. She tugged on one of her braids and looked up at the boy then glanced back at me. My gaze slowly trailed to the boy and my eyes locked with his pale green eyes. His long strands of brown hair framed his face nicely even if it was entirely messy. We all stared at each other endlessly, neither of us knowing what to say or do.

This whole paragraph is a rather messy and huge wall of text right here and it is not the easiest thing to read. What's being said in the paragraph makes a lot of sense and it flows quite nicely building tension all the while but...it would be so much better as about three separate paragraphs rather than this massive block here.

“W-who a-are you?” I managed to stutter out. The girl smiled slowly, amused. The boy chuckled. I glanced back and forth between them. They just smiled at me, which started to get a little creepy.

I think you missed an opportunity to show Eliza feeling creeped out. Just saying that it was creepy doesn't have that same impact.

“Well are you going to answer…” I trailed off as I spotted small blue horns sticking out from the blond hair of the girl. The boy followed my gaze and I felt him frown. The girl quickly looked up at him, seeming to realize something. Then in a blink, the blue horns were gone.

Wow, I must be seeing things, I thought as I rubbed my eyes, getting the last of the sleep out.

Very typical human reaction to such things.

“Well, welcome Eliza,” Gwen said, in almost a whisper.

Now that is definitely a very creepy thing for someone to say in your own house.

“Good girl,” I said sarcastically. Gwen glared dangerously as I rolled my eyes.

Eliza goes from feeling creeped out and somewhat scared to snark queen kind of quickly. A little too quickly and all of this cheapens all the tension that you've built up.

“What was that for?” I asked. Instead of answering, they quickly walked down the hall. I watched them open the door quietly and run out into the night.

Freaks, I thought.

The ending is pretty nice overall.

Overall: So this was quite a fun little short story. It has a couple of lines that throw off the flow a bit but for the most part if flows okay and the pacing was also quite nice. Eliza's emotions seem a little unrealistically fast in how it seems to fluctuate so fast at the end. Besides that the dialogue was okay didn't sound too scripted.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

I rubbed my eyes, still half-asleep from the long car ride. It felt as if home was ages away.

-- ages away has to do with time. instead say thousands of miles away or something

Hands shook me awake and continued to until I jumped onto my feet, definitely cranky.

-- people don't really jump out of bed when they're tired. Try to fix this . .

Without any reason, I pulled off the covers violently and let it slip from my hands, onto the floor. The bed was bare and that was how I liked it in the summers.

-- take out without any reason

Once I wake up, I never was able to go back to bed.

-- watch out for tenses.

Suddenly, I straightened my back when I heard the same noises again.

-- SUddenly, the noise came again. I straightened my back, my muscles tense.

I froze, listening intently, trying to pin point from around where it was coming from. I knew it was downstairs,

-- take out I knew it was downstairs. Say instead It sounded like it was coming from downstairs. And take out try to pin point from around where it was coming from.

but it sounded far and faint. It was probably coming from past my parent’s room.

-- take this out

I suddenly spotted a light, coming from the left corner.

-- AS I peered around I saw a light coming from the left corner of the hall.

It sounded of wrappers crumpling and chewing.

-- I don't really understand the chewing part. Take out chewing.

I took a slow and quiet deep breath before I jumped out and found myself facing a kitchen.

-- I took a deep breath before jumping out of my hiding place, staring wide-eyed into the kitchen

The refrigerator was wide-open, lighting half of the kitchen.

-- ...half of the room.

Remembering the figures, I opened my eyes wide, tearing at the attempt.

-- how could she forget the firgures? Try to fix the wording in this sentence it's awkward.

with light traces of dirt smeared on the faces.

-- instead say with traces of dirt smeared across their faces.

The girl was petite and thin, probably from the lack of food.

-- instead say the girl was petite, so thin that I could see her ribs poking out from underneath her dress.

Her striking blue eyes studied me carefully, seeming a little frightened.

-- studied me apprehensiously changed from fear to curiousity.

His long strands of brown hair framed his face nicely even if it was entirely messy.

-- Just say, Long stands of brown hair framed his face.


I really liked this. I think it was kind of slow moving from the beginning of this chapter so try to make more actions happen. I was also kind of confused in the beginning so you might want to clear up exactly what is going on, if she's having a flashback or not or what. The real action didn't occur until she sees Harry and Gwen/ starts to hear the noises.
Just a few suggestions.
1) Show don't tell. Always portray how your character is feeling, don't tell the audience how she feels
2)Make sure the character you created fits in with the dialogue you are having her say. If she's brave make sure you show she's a very courageous person, if not always show the opposite. (PM me if you questions)

Other than that, well done! Keep up the good work!