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Young Writers Society


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The Progeny: Chapter 25

by MissGangamash


The four vampires congregated around the fireplace that was now lit to give the room a more homely feel. Caius’ tall, pale physique leaned against the mantelpiece in front of Evie, who was sat in one of the armchairs fiddling with the fringing on one of the arms. Varsee had taken the other chair and had pulled a face when Alexander first sprawled across her lengthways, but now she seemed content as she languidly played with his hair.

“How long have you been settled here?” asked Caius, first to break the silence.

Varsee furrowed her brows and looked to Alexander as if to find the answer on his face. “Erh…must be coming up to twelve years. We’ve move around a lot since our Maker passed. But, I dunno…” She took in the room with a smile and snuggled into the armchair. “We like it here.”

“When the Nest doesn’t bother us,” added Alexander with distaste.

“Nest?” inquired Caius. “There’s a Nest around here?”

“Yeah. They were the ones that attacked Evie.”

Evie shuddered at the memory and Caius frowned apologetically to her, as if sorry to bring it up. “Will they attack again?” he asked, looking back to Varsee.

“Not while we’re in here but out there-” She shrugged. “We’re hoping the Court will sort them out.”

Caius’ face flinched at the mention of the Court and his eyes casted to the floor. Evie’s heart constricted at the anguish that set his body taunt.

“Evie told us you had a run-in with the Court. That they were the ones that made you Turn her. What they did…was awful.”

“I’m surprised they didn’t just kill you.”

The three vampires shot Alexander a sharp look. He held up his palms with a shrug. “What? It would have been easier, right?” Varsee swatted him on the back of the head. “But the fact they didn’t-” He scowled at his sister and rubbed his head, “shows that clearly they had a little thing for you. Maybe that’s why they haven’t come after you since you killed those humans.”

“Can we please stop talking about the Court?” mumbled Caius, sounding dreary.

Varsee lifted her palms before going back to stroking Alexander’s hair like he was a cat. “I’m sorry.”

He showed her a faint, thankful smile. “So, do you have any more progenies?”

She shook her head. “Not at the moment, just Evie. So don’t worry, she has my full attention.”

“Not that she really needs it,” chimed in Alexander. “Having a progeny that’s already been a vampire? That’s like buying a puppy that’s already been housetrained.”

Evie pulled a face, feeling a little insulted by the comparison.

“Plus, it’s not like you’re a single mum.” He gestured to Caius with a sweeping hand, “with her dad still around, you’re like divorced parents trying to make it work.” He snorted.

The idea that Caius playing the role of her dad made Evie feel queasy and shift in the uncomfortable chair awkwardly. Caius too, look at little disturbed at the thought and sent her a sideways glance.

But she guessed in a way he had been a father figure. He had been her role model. He had introduced her into her new life and watched her grow and develop as a vampire. And he was still here, watching over her to make sure she was okay.

I have never known a Maker and a progeny to be in love. It’s just so…peculiar.

She thought back to how Varsee had compared her progeny to her children and shuddered. But Evie and Caius were different. The lingering bond between them was proof of that.

“Do you have any progenies, Alexander?” Evie asked, finally entering the conversation to dissipate the hanging silence.

Alexander’s blue eyes flicked to her. “Not at the moment.” He snuggled closer to his sister, burying his head into the curve of her neck. “I lost most of them in the Rage and the few I Turned since were a little…erratic. Got themselves caught feeding without consent and were forced to meet the sun by the human authorities.”

“That’s what happens when you Turn those who aren’t worthy,” sighed Varsee.

“I guess you wouldn’t win father of the year,” Evie jested, getting him back for the awkwardness he had planted between her and Caius.

The atmosphere in the room suddenly shifted. Varsee bowed her head as Alexander’s smug expression was wiped clean. What replaced it was boiling rage. His eyelids started flickering as his eyes grew dark and glassy. His jaw set. His hands turned into fists.

A cold wave washed over Evie and she found herself shrinking back into the chair as he pushed himself off of Varsee and flew to his feet.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” he spat in the direction of Evie but it was as if he couldn’t even face looking at her. He turned to the rest of the group but his eyes were casted downwards. “I’ve had enough of this Happy Families shit.”

Then he stalked off, kicked open the kitchen door and disappeared.

Evie and Caius looked after him. “W-what was that about? What did I say?” asked Evie.

Varsee lifted her head. Her eyes were heavy and mournful when they met Evie’s. “Do you remember me mentioning that Alexander had chinks in his armour?” Evie nodded and Varsee sighed. “Well, you just hit one. A pretty big one.”

“W-why? What did I do? It was just a joke,” said Evie, trying to defend herself as guilt ate away at her.

Varsee sighed. “It’s really not my place to say. If you want an explanation, you’re going to have to get it out of him yourself.” She rose to her feet and looked to the kitchen.

Evie nodded and stood up. “I’d better go and apologise.” She sent Caius a sideways glance as if for support but he still seemed bewildered by Alexander’s outburst. Nodding to herself, she headed to the kitchen.

And found it empty.

Just as she was about to turn round on herself, she noticed that there was a light on outside, lighting up the square of frosted glass that filled the top half of the backdoor. She paused when she reached for the handle, suddenly feeling nervous.

An image of Alexander snapping and baring his fangs at her made her want to draw back. But she was in his home. Sure, it was Varsee who had welcomed her in but he had fought off the crazy Nest vampires alongside her and practically saved her life. The last thing she wanted to do was make him regret it. Even if he wasn’t the nicest person in the world.

Sucking in a breath, she opened the door with a wince.

He was sat on the step, curled in on himself with a cigarette dangling between his thin fingers. The gleam of the floodlight fixed at the corner of the house bounced off his long blonde hair as it blew in the breeze. He turned his head at the disturbance, one shining blue eye peering at her through loose strands of hair. He sneered and looked back ahead.

A huge field spread out before them. Even with her vampire sight, she couldn’t determine how far back the emptiness was. It was like when she looked through the window, everything was just black except for the sprinkling of stars that covered the sky like sugar.

But she did notice that the section where the floodlight reached was cordoned off by a rather flimsy fence and the upturned soil of empty flowerbeds ran along it, separating the garden from the grazing field.

Finding her voice, Evie managed to stutter out, “I’m sorry.”

Alexander huffed and took a drag of his cigarette, his face shielded from her by his hair. “For what?” he asked as he exhaled, puffing smoke into the clean, country air.

“For upsetting you.” She dropped down beside him and tucked her knees up. A flagged strip ran along the back of the house. Evie placed her socked feet flat on the concrete and re-rolled up Varsee’s jeans just for something to do in the silence that followed.

“You didn’t upset me,” he said, resigned. “You just…reminded me of something I try my best to forget.” He let out a humourless laugh. “Not like I should even bother, anyway. The past…is the past.”

Evie stayed silent beside him. He turned slightly and cocked an eyebrow as he tipped some ash onto the flags. “Did Varsee tell you?”

She shook her head. “She said nothing. Just that…I hit a weak spot.”

There was that laugh again, and he nodded. “A weak spot? That’s one way of putting it.”

“If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine.”

He regarded her and took another drag. “The past is the past. No point hiding from it, is there?”

Her shoulders sagged. “I guess not.”

As he looked back into the vast blackness, Evie noticed something change in his eyes. There was a clouded emptiness in them as if he were working on autopilot. “I was a soldier in World War One. A member of the British army. Joined as soon as I turned nineteen. Three years later, in 1916, it was in the Battle of the Somme -as it’s called- where I lay in No Man’s land, bodies around me left right and centre, a piece of jarred shrapnel sticking out of my gut.

I thought that was the end for me. And I’m not going to lie, I was terrified of dying. Not like that. Alone in the dirt.And then, through the ash and bloody mist, I saw him, wandering around the bodies, checking for life. Godfrey. I managed to call out to him and he spotted me. Of course, back then, I had no idea what a vampire was so when he chewed into his own arm and fed me his blood, I was a surprised to say the least. Then something snapped and everything went blank.” He took another long drag of his cigarette, jutting out his jaw as he exhaled so the smoke streamed upwards.

“I woke up in a bed with Godfrey sat by my side. He told me what had happened but all I could think about was that I was still alive. All I wanted to do was see my wife, to go back home and hold her in my arms. But of course, Godfrey told me I couldn’t go back to my old life. After pleading with him non-stop, he gave in and told me that I could see her but only from afar, just so I knew she was okay.

“When we got there, my heart sank. She had clearly gotten the news of my disappearance and that I was more than likely dead.” His face pinched in pain and red pools gathered under his eyes. “She was crying. I still remember the sound. But then…she bent down, away from my view from the window and when I saw her again…she wasn’t alone. Held close to her chest was a baby.” He shook his head and stabbed his cigarette into the step, grinding it into ash. “She had been pregnant and she had never told me. She had let me leave her. She’d given birth and I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there to hold her hand. I wasn’t there to see him come into the world.” He swatted away a tear irritably and clenched his jaw.

“I wanted so desperately to be there for her, to help her, but all I could do was watch her struggle. I watched my son grow up without a father. I was right there and I couldn’t help. I couldn’t risk it. The thought of my hunger winning, of losing control-” He squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head. “I should have never let Godfrey take me. It was like torture. I watched them both age, wither and die while I never changed.” He hung his head and ran his fingers through his hair. “So you were right-” he said through a tight laugh and looked out into the field. “I’m a terrible father.”

Evie’s throat had seemed to have closed up while he was speaking and now, in the silence, her lips were moving but nothing was coming out. Then his eyes flicked to her, impossibly bright against the night sky. “I-I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”

He just shrugged and pluckedd a packet of cigarettes from his jacket pocket. “You weren’t to know.”

And for a moment, Evie just watched him as he lit his new cigarette, folding his hand over it to block the wind. There was something in his face. Something that she hadn’t seen before. Something that he had clearly tried to keep hidden. But his mask had fallen.

He looked so vulnerable and wounded. His face was sharp and pinched as if he were reliving the pain. Then he shook his head, his fair hair whipping across his face, and all that went away. A smile cracked on his lips as he surveyed the darkness and lifted the cigarette to his lips. “So, what’s your story?” His eyes flicked to her as he took a drag.

Evie shrugged and hugged her arms. Of course, the cold air had no effect on her now that she was a vampire again, so the action was more of a reflex. “You know my story. Caius was forced to Turn me when he was caught having a relationship with a human.”

“That’s Caius’ story. I mean yours. Like, how your life changed once you Turned.” A pause followed and Alexander leaned back, resting his back against the frame of the back door. She could feel his gaze on her, burning into her cheek as she stayed hunched forwards, looking ahead. She shifted awkwardly and hung her head.

“I was engaged.” It hurt to say it. It didn’t feel right. It was if she were retelling a dream. “His name was William. We were getting married in three weeks. My parents didn’t like me being with him. They thought I was just in it for the money.” Her throat started to feel tight again and the backs of her eyes burned with tears of guilt and shame. “We weren’t poor, exactly. We got by. But when I started dating William, who came from a family of Old Money, they thought I saw him as my ticket out. And so they shunned me, saying that I was a disgrace to the family. That I was ashamed of who I was. But none of that was true.” Her voice came out shrill and desperate, broken with tears, as if she were back in that old, shabby house, pleading with her mother not to give up on her.

“I loved my family but it was clear that they had lost all respect for me. So I moved in with William, ready to start a new family with him.”

“Your family casted you out because they thought you were going to cast them out?”

At the sound of his voice, Evie picked up her head and turned to Alexander who watched her with a pinched expression.

“Yeah…kinda.”

He huffed a laugh and lifted his cigarette to his lips. “That’s ridiculous.”

Evie’s jaw slackened, offended at how easily he was able to disregard the most painful experience of life. The memory of which ate away at her every second of every night. But then, as she stared at his light, easy expression, all of her anger and resentment towards him dissipated. Because she knew it was just an act. She had glimpsed at the real Alexander. The one stuck in the past. The one torturing himself for something that he had no control over. And he was hurting every bit as much as she was. He was just handling it the only way he knew how.

A small smile curved on her lips and she looked up towards the stars which were starting to fade as the night sky began to bleed into a deep navy. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

The door opened behind her and she turned to see Varsee looking down at her from the kitchen, her blonde hair blowing back from her strong yet beautiful face. She glanced to her brother still relaxed against the door frame. He gave her a salute and a wink.

“Made friends?” asked Varsee.

Alexander grinned up at her like a Cheshire cat. “We were swapping stories.” He pointed to her and looked at Evie. “Varsee used to be a tramp.”

His sister exhaled and rolled her eyes. “I wasn’t a tramp. I was a homeless orphan.”

“Same thing.”

Varsee just gave him an exhausted look before her eyes fixed on Evie. “My parents died of a sickness that spread through my village back in South America. A few years later, living on the street, Godfrey found me. I was dying of hyperthermia and he Turned me.”

Evie thought back to something Caius had said to her, about being a lot older than him. “When did you get Turned?”

The edge of her lips twitched, a ghost of a smirk. “The start of the fourteenth century.”

Evie’s eyebrows rose, impressed. She’d never known a vampire older than Caius, well, except for Guardian. “So, you’re like super ancient?”

She smiled. “Please don’t call me that. Ancient makes me sound too old already.”

When the information sunk in properly, Evie furrowed her brows. “But, hang on, how can you?…oh.” It clicked. “You two are vampire siblings. Because you have the same Maker.”

“Yup.” Alexander bounced to his feet and flicked his cigarette into the garden where it glowed against the grass for a moment before dying out. “She’s my blood sis.”

“Okay.” Evie nodded, pushing herself to her feet as well. “The way you act makes sense now. I was a little confused.”

“The way we act?” asked Alexander but then he grinned and stepped into the kitchen, brushing past Varsee. “Oh, you mean, our relationship is not the conventional brother and sister relationship?”

Evie shrugged, now feeling a little awkward as he smirked at her like a mischievous child. Varsee seemed relaxed. Her arms were folded across her front as Alexander pressed his chest close against her side and lifted his lips to her ear, his eyes still on Evie. “And she doesn’t know the half of it.”

A giddy smile cracked on Varsee’s lips. Her eyes widened as if shocked by the little giggle that escaped her and she quickly straightened herself. She turned and looked to her brother, they were almost the same height but he still somehow curled over her like a willowing branch. Their faces were only inches apart. “The sun’s coming up soon,” she said with a slightly husky edge to her tone.

A spark flared in Alexander’s eyes. He flashed Evie a smile before looking his sister up and down and slipping past her. “Better get to bed then,” he said over his shoulder as he sashayed through the kitchen.

A knowing smile tugged on Varsee’s lips before she ushered Evie into the house. “Let me lock the door. I think those sheep carcases have rotted away. I can’t even smell them anymore. And we can’t be too careful about that bloody Nest.” She slammed the door, turned the key and gestured back into the living room. “Caius has gone to your room. I think there’s about an hour of dark left.”

For a moment, Evie studied the vampire woman’s face, still completely amazed at her age. It didn’t show. Vampires didn’t age the same way humans did, with wrinkles and age spots. Ancients were able to detect the age of vampires due to years of practice, but for newborns like Evie, the only way was through their eyes. Eyes were the windows to the soul, as people said, and it was true. Look into a vampires eyes and you could almost feel everything they had felt through their passing years.

But as Evie looked into Varsee’s eyes, she saw nothing but her reflection warped in her storm coloured irises. She felt a little dizzy, like she was facing the heart of a maelstrom.

“He’s waiting.”

Evie blinked hard and felt heat rush to her cheeks when she realised she’s been staring. She smiled awkwardly and headed out of the kitchen, Varsee followed close behind, switching off the lights.


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Sat Aug 20, 2016 12:12 pm
megsug wrote a review...



Here again~
What an interesting ending, and what an interesting relationship between Alex and Varsee. I was curious to see exactly what their relationship was going to play out as.

I wanted to say a little about the other two reviews. What Carlito says about "something happening" doesn't necessarily have to be action. It just needs to be something in the plot moving forward. I've noticed this a lot through your novel. You'll have one or several superduper action-packed chapters and then several chapters where nothing happens, meaning your plot doesn't move forward. Really, you should have a plot point every chapter. If the chapter doesn't help the plot progress, then it's a little pointless to the story you're telling.

You have a habit of breaking your chapters up. They're either plot chapters or character developing chapters. Ideally, writers would intertwine the two, so they're happening in tandem. Then you wouldn't have these stretches where it's plot, plot, plot and character development, character development, character development. Your novel can still be character driven and "slow" while still having a plot point every chapter.

And I think Mea brings up a good point about Alex. His defenses lower very quickly for someone with such armor. Even when you hit a chink in armor perfectly, it takes a few blows for the armor to shatter. I also feel that you have a tendency for characters to conveniently have a change in character for character development's sake. I believe I've brought it up with Evie and Nico before.

As far as original critiques go, to be completely frank, this is one of my least favorite chapters so far, and Alex's backstory was on the verge of melodramatic. I think this is largely because instead of subtly slipping his backstory into the novel, you dedicated an entire chapter to it.

Also, it's just not really necessary for the novel to progress. You've had filler chapters before, but this just seemed... like you just used this to talk about Alex's backstory which really isn't necessary.

>.> I feel like this review was super harsh, and I'm sorry if it was. I really appreciate the ending. I think it's weirdly mysterious, the way Evie's just randomly staring at Varsee and I mean that in a good way. It piques my interest and makes me want to know more about what Evy and Varsee's relationship will become.

Onward~






Don't worry about offending me o seeming harsh! Can't be a writer without a thick skin haha. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

I understand what you mean about my chapters being slow and might seem just like fillers but everything I write is for a reason, even if it doesn't seem like it. This novel is supposed to be slow, it's mainly to do with progression of characters and relationships and that doesn't happen from paragraph to paragraph, it takes time.

Some novels are slow-paced and some are fast-paced, neither is better than the other, its just about peoples preferences.

Alexander's backstory is incredibly necessary to the novel, he is arguably the most important character. You'll understand why when you carry on reading. And the reason his telling of his past seems melodramatic is because Alexander is dramatic. He carries his guilt everywhere and WANTS people to see it so that they will judge him and make him feel worse. This is explained, perhaps not in this chapter. That's why he spilled everything to Evie after she simply made an accidentally dig at him. He is a person that talks too much and makes people uncomfortable. I'd imagine him at a gathering and him introduce himself like, 'Hi, I'm Alexander, I abandoned my wife and son and now try to drown my sorrows in blood and orgies'. He doesn't have a filter haha.

Everything's there for a reason. Hopefully you'll see if you finish :)



megsug says...


I'm not arguing against having a slow novel. I write novels that have a largely political focus. They're not the most exciting, action-based novels, and they're not "fast." But slow novels, really good ones like the Game of Thrones, are "slow" because their plot is slow, because every plot point is extremely careful and extremely close together as far as a time goes, not because they take long periods of time focusing solely on character development. The character development happens with their slow plot development.

"Fast" novels should live by the same standard.

Notice, I'm not really a fan of your really fast pace chapters either. Because they seem out of context. Because I don't feel connected with the character. Because you've turned your focus on plot and action instead of characters.

I don't care that it's a slow novel. I enjoy slow novels, but I don't enjoy this back and forth that I talked about in the review itself.

I'm excited to see why Alexander is so vital to the story, but I think my point still stands. There's good dramatic and cliche dramatic. Alexander is cliche dramatic. I'm not really sure it can be salvaged, to be completely honest. The heartbroken vampire who watched everything he loved die is a trope done over and over and over again in vamp stories. This history is no different. It has no special element.

I think it wouldn't be so eyeroll worthy if you didn't shine a bright spotlight on it. Just because a backstory is important doesn't mean it should be the only thing a chapter is about, especially presented as dialogue.





I've edited Alexander's speech so that it is more obvious that it is practiced. He has told countless people the story before that's why he is able to describe it to fluidly and dramatically. It's been rehearsed. In the edit, Evie clocks onto that.

Alexander is sort of a cliche but I hope you like where I take the character. Vampires have sad backstories, it is a given after living so long. Of course they have lost people along the way. But it is what is done with it that matters.



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Sun Jul 26, 2015 3:03 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello and happy review day!! I'll admit I haven't read the previous chapters, so I'm going to look at this as a part of a greater whole. (However I did glimpse at the prologue and read the little summary so now I'm a little familiar with what's been going on!) :)

who was sat in one of the armchairs fiddling with the fringing on one of the arms.

I think "fringe" would sound better than "fringing".

Varsee had taken the other chair and had pulled a face when Alexander first sprawled across her lengthways, but now she seemed content as she languidly played with his hair.

"pulled a face"? What kind of face?

Varsee furrowed her brows and looked to Alexander as if to find the answer on his face.

Slashed because I didn't feel it was necessary.

The idea that Caius playing the role of her dad made Evie feel queasy and shift in the uncomfortable chair awkwardly.

I think you should add in another subject after the 'and' and then you'll have to change the verb a little. "...feel queasy, and she shifted in the uncomfortable chair". I would take out "awkwardly", it's an unnecessary adverb.

But she guessed in a way he had been a father figure.

Do "she guessed" OR "in a way", not both.

Varsee bowed her head as Alexander’s smug expression was wiped clean. What replaced it was boiling rage.

I think these two sentences are a little awkward as two sentences - I would combine them. Something like "...Alexander's smug expression was replaced with boiling rage"

Nodding to herself, she headed to the kitchen.

And found it empty.

I'm usually a fan of short, snappy sentences, but the "and found it empty" felt weird to me, especially since it was sitting there on it's own line.

Just as she was about to turn round on herself,

What does this mean?

A flagged strip ran along the back of the house. Evie placed her socked feet flat on the concrete and re-rolled up Varsee’s jeans just for something to do in the silence that followed.

A flagged strip of what? And is that what she places her feet on? If not, why mention it?

As he looked back into the vast blackness, Evie noticed something change in his eyes. There was a clouded emptiness in them as if he were working on autopilot. “I was a soldier in World War One. A member of the British army. Joined as soon as I turned nineteen. Three years later, in 1916, it was in the Battle of the Somme -as it’s called- where I lay in No Man’s land, bodies around me left right and centre, a piece of jarred shrapnel sticking out of my gut.

I would appreciate his tone or more information about what he sounds like throughout this little speech.

“I woke up in a bed with Godfrey sat by my side.

"sitting" instead of "sat".

He just shrugged and pluckedd a packet of cigarettes from his jacket pocket. “You weren’t to know.”

You have an extra "d" on "plucked". I'm also not quite sure what his dialogue means...

And for a moment, Evie just watched him as he lit his new cigarette, folding his hand over it to block the wind. There was something in his face. Something that she hadn’t seen before. Something that he had clearly tried to keep hidden. But his mask had fallen.

The underlined part - I mentioned before that I like short, snappy sentences. But just like the other time, I felt this was choppy.

Evie’s jaw slackened, offended at how easily he was able to disregard the most painful experience of life. The memory of which ate away at her every second of every night. But then, as she stared at his light, easy expression, all of her anger and resentment towards him dissipated. Because she knew it was just an act. She had glimpsed at the real Alexander. The one stuck in the past. The one torturing himself for something that he had no control over. And he was hurting every bit as much as she was. He was just handling it the only way he knew how.

This is lovely. You do a nice job showing emotion and describing thoughts/feelings/reactions :)

She turned and looked to her brother, they were almost the same height but he still somehow curled over her like a willowing branch.

Period after "brother" instead of a comma. Comma after "height".

You're a strong writer, and you did a great job with descriptions and emotions and what not. My only big critique is that I found this chapter a little boring. It could be because I'm coming in on chapter 25 and don't have any context for who these characters are, but that's how I felt. I think it was because nothing really happens in this chapter. It's a lot of talking and lot of explaining but very little action. Explaining is necessary, of course, but I'm wondering if you can find a way to make it a little more exciting to read. Your prose is great. But I feel (and I don't know because I don't know what happened in the previous chapter) that we're coming off of a really exciting part and now everything is being explained. If that's true, the pattern of action-explaining-action-explaining can get really dull.

Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! :)






Thanks for the editing suggestions :D I'll have a look over them all.

I understand that this chapter is a little slow but it's a chapter specifically for developing characters. There needs to be some lulls where emotions are more important than the action. You just happened to have read one of the calmer chapters. It's not supposed to be a chapter where a lot 'happens'. A lot has just happened, this is the after effect so you're right about that but as I said above, it's needed.

This isn't to be an very action-packed story. Don't get me wrong, a lot happens but it's mainly about how those things affect the characters.

It's a novel about a group of people (who happen to be vampires) and how their lives come together and evolve.

To me, it's a very touching story about love, loss and loyalty.

Thanks for the review!



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Wed Jul 01, 2015 2:03 am
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Sonder wrote a review...



Hey Ganga! Sorry this took a while, I had to have surgery for wisdom teeth and kept falling asleep. Anyway, onto the review!

I felt that this was a bit of a slow chapter and that it gave nice background for the siblings and Evie. It was a refreshing break from all the action, and it helped me connect with the chars (especially Alex). However, at times, I felt that it was a bit info dumpy, and it was pretty obvious that you were trying to build up the characters. I especially felt that Alex's sudden emotions and spillage of his past seemed out of character, and that he could have used some more prying at before giving up so much of his story. I understand that it's one of his weak spots, but he's also a tough guy, as you wrote him to be. I just felt that perhaps he'd need more working on instead of a single explosion. Hope that made any sense.
I felt that perhaps if you worked these sharing of backgrounds throughout multiple chapters instead of covering them all in just this one, it would seem less dumpy. I'm not sure exactly how you'd do that, but that's just my opinion.

Now for some technicalities!

in front of Evie, who was sat in one of the armchairs

"who was sat" doesn't make sense. :) Change it to "who was sitting" or "who sat".

We’ve move around a lot since our Maker passed

"Move" to "moved"

He gestured to Caius with a sweeping hand, “with her dad..."

I think "with" should be capitalized, because it's a new sentence. I also think that "sweeping hand" shouldn't have a comma after, because he isn't speaking with his hand. :)

The idea that Caius playing the role of her dad

This section of the sentence is confusing. I'm not sure how you want it to be, but it doesn't make sense currently. :)

Of course, back then, I had no idea what a vampire was so when he chewed into his own arm and fed me his blood, I was a surprised to say the least.

This is a run on. I'd spit it into two sentences between: "I had no idea what a vampire was. So when he chewed..." Like that. Just a suggestion, but the sentence made me stop because it was long and awkward.

Overall, I think that this chapter was great with background. I love the soft side of Alex, and how he genuinely cared about someone at some point. I loved the explanation about how he and Varsee aren't actual siblings, but vampire siblings (I was wondering about that). And woah, are they having romance or something? o.o I felt that implied, and idk if that's awkward or not. XD However, I did feel that this chapter was more choppy and info dumpy than they have been in the past, but I know you have the abilities to smooth it up. I like where this is going, and I like how you continue to develop you chars as it goes on.

Keep writing and being amazing!

~Night






No problem! As long as it's not me making you fall asleep :P

I know it seemed a bit info dumpy for Alexander but as he said, the past is the past, there's no point hiding from it. The only reason he hadn't told people earlier was because nobody asked. He feels ashamed for what he did back then but it's a part of him. He is a tough guy but at the same time, to me, Alexander is quite self-destructive. He wants people to know what he did back then so that they judge him and he can wallow in his guilt some more. He's changed a lot since his human days but the guilt he carries with him keeps him connected to his old life.

But I'll have a look over everything and try and smooth it out more :)

Some things still haven't been explained. You only know the basics of Evie's past from this chapter, the rest I'm saving for the prequel novella. And Varsee's 'background' was a simple one-liner. This is mainly Alexander's chapter.

Haha, yup, Alexander and Varsee are romantically involved. None of the relationships in this novel are clean-cut!

Thanks for the review! ^_^



Sonder says...


Okay, makes sense. Welcome! :)




We are not to simply bandage the wounds of victims beneath the wheels of injustice, we are to drive a spoke into the wheel itself.
— Dietrich Bonhoeffer