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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence Mature Content

The Progeny: Chapter 1 (Revised)

by MissGangamash


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

PART I – The Change

Chapter 1

“It’s a bit chilly out today, what do you reckon?” asked Eric, bunching up his big shoulders to keep in the warmth.

Evie gulped and forced a shiver. “Yeah, it is a bit.”

It was hard to go on day after day pretending to be human, but Evie decided years ago that it was much better than coming out as a vampire. Sure, the humans put on a brave face and tried to treat the bloodsuckers as ‘equals’ but it was hard to miss the fear and hatred in their eyes.

Eric was a good man, Evie had always thought. She’d been working with him for just over a year now as a bouncer at the club Sourz. It was a human club. Evie thought it would be best. There was much less blood. Although, every now and again a drunk would stumble out after being bottled over the head with blood dripping down from their scalp and smeared over their hands. That was when Eric would step in and Evie would slip into the alleyway beside the club to cool down. She had mentioned to Eric the first day they manned the door together that she had a thing about blood, couldn’t stand the sight of it. Eric was very understanding and would always usher her away when any of the red stuff was around.

The night was still young, only nine o’clock. The youth didn’t start lining up until around ten so Evie and Eric had some time to kill. She noticed that when he breathed, puffs of white mist came from his mouth so she started breathing too, before he caught onto the fact that the air around her was completely untarnished.

“So, how’s things with Clarissa?” Evie asked.

Eric frowned a little, looking ahead. “Not so great.”

“Oh? How many dates has it been now?”

“Three.”

“You said it was going well.”

He sighed. “It was, until the last time we met up.”

“Why? What happened?”

His dark eyes flickered to her. “She likes to go to those vampire bars…”

Evie’s stomach cramped. “Oh…”

Eric puffed out a heavy breath. “She’s into the whole…biting thing…I mean, I have nothing against vampires as long as they keep themselves to themselves. They have blood rations and those blood whores, no need to go around biting others, too.”

“But they do go in there willingly,” said Evie, hoping to not sound too defensive.

Eric narrowed his eyes ahead. “That’s what they make us believe. It’s that compelling that creeps me out. I mean, you could go to one of those bars and they could do whatever they want to you and make you forget the whole thing. For all we know, those blood whores have vampire pimps doing exactly the same thing to them.”

Evie pushed her tongue against her teeth to force herself to stay quiet. She knew he was wrong because vampires can tell when a human has been compelled and she knew the Dial-a-bite system didn’t work like that. But obviously, she couldn’t tell him that.

“Anyway,” Eric sighed after a short silence. “It has put a strain on things.”

“It might still work out…” replied Evie hollowly, squinting into the breeze.

Another silence followed but Eric quickly broke the unsettling quiet. “You think they’ll be any fights tonight?”

She shrugged. “Probably. There always is.”

He laughed, his large, round belly jiggling a little. “Gotta love this job.”

“You sure do,” smiled Evie.

Whenever a fight did break out, they always wanted Evie to be the one to step in and sort them out because of how mean and intimidating Eric looked. She couldn’t blame them really. She always thought that if the tables were turned, she’d want the young, pretty faced red head to throw her out rather than the six foot three black man built like a truck. But little did they know that Evie could run rings around Eric and shred him to pieces if she wanted to.

They made a good team, Evie and Eric.

“Oh, looks like the night has finally started,” Eric inclined his head over to a group of lads heading towards the club.

They both asked for their ID’s and all four of them lined up in front of Evie, giving her the eye as she checked out their driving licenses.

“Like what you see?” One of them grinned.

She arched her eyebrow and shoved the ID into his chest. He winced and clutched the card before following his friends inside.

Eric chuckled. “You really do attract them.”

She laughed. “The perks of the job, I guess.”

The last dregs of drunken misfits started making their way home at around three in the morning and Evie called it a night soon after, watching the sky turn from black to a murky blue. She shoved her hands into her leather jacket pockets and tilted her head down from the wind as it whipped her auburn hair across her face. She may not feel the cold but the wind still irritated her.

Even though there were no fights tonight and no blood was spilled, she hadn’t eaten anything fresh since two nights ago and she was feeling peckish. She noted that she still had some blood bags left in the fridge and she had Dial-a-bite on speed dial but she needed something now. Her fangs had already lengthened and her stomach growled for attention.

Heading down another dark alleyway, she spotted her victim.

She bent down and tried not to gag at the smell of alcohol and vomit. This is what I have stooped to, she thought. Carefully, pulling back his grimy hair, she opened her mouth and pressed her fangs into his neck. He gurgled and tried to swat her languidly then hiccupped and started to snore again. She was so glad that her bites had a numbing chemical in them because she really didn’t fancy having to fight a hobo just to taste thin, less than appetising blood. She withdrew her fangs and stood, wiping the blood that trickled down her chin. Tramps were easy targets. They just stayed slumped on a street corner blissfully unaware of the vampire sucking at their neck. She didn’t have to lure them somewhere dark and hidden or bother compelling them to forget her. Not that she could do that now anyway. She hasn’t been able to do anything like that for fourteen years. It would have been a lie to say she didn’t miss it but she also didn’t think it was worth the consequences. Evie often felt like she had the red dot of a sniper trained on her forehead wherever she went. It was a feeling everyone had had to get used to. Known vampires were constantly watched by the human authorities and simple interacts between vampires with humans often came with a not-so- concealed stake held in a sweaty grip. Evie was always thankful that she had been able to keep a low profile for so long. Sure, she was watched every now and again. Everyone was to some extent. But it was nothing compared to the scrutiny that outed vampires faced on a nightly basis. It irritated her to a point that she sometimes wanted to scream but then she’d calm herself and submit. This was just how the world worked now.

Evie pricked her finger with her fang and pressed it to the bite marks on the homeless man’s neck, soothing them and closing them up with her blood.

Two drunks stumbled out of a bar, laughing and slapping each other playfully on the backs. Evie licked her lips but zipped up her leather jacket and regressed into the shadows. Checking her phone, her gut twisted. No new messages. No new voicemails. She chewed her lip and called Caius again. Just as she had expected, there was no answer. She was starting to get worried. It had been a week since she had seen him. He had left to go to the hospital and never come back. Sure, Caius was a big boy. He had been around for ten centuries for God’s sake, he could look after himself. But she couldn’t shake the prickly feeling at the back of her neck that told her that something didn’t quite add up.

Evie and Caius had been side by side for just short of a hundred years now and yes, it could drag on sometimes and yes, there were times she just wanted to smash his head through a wall. But that’s why they organised holidays away from each other. Had he just gone on a last minute trip? No. He would have told her. He knew she would be worried. He would have called.

The heavens opened and rain started to clatter to the ground. Evie hugged her jacket close but she had no intention of carrying on through this weather so she vampire-sprinted her way home. Even though she made it to my porch in less than thirty seconds, her hair was stuck to her face. She pushed it out of her eyes and slotted the key into the door.

“Caius!” she called, slamming the door behind her. Her boots squelched as she walked across the laminate. They used to have carpet but blood stains were right bitch to clean. Her stomach knotted. No answer. Where the hell is he?!

She headed upstairs, stripped off her wet clothes and jumped into the shower to try and scrub away the disgusting feeling that crawled over her skin after she fed off a homeless person.

Caius wouldn’t approve.

But Caius isn’t here.

Lathering up the shower gel on her body, she felt a hot tear run down her cheek. She rubbed her face, irritated by her own emotions and focused on the hot spray on her body. She missed how her body would flush under the heat of the water. Now she felt it hit her the same way the rain did. Just...water on flesh.

It was about an hour before dawn when she dried off and redressed into her pyjamas. She brushed her teeth to get all of the hobo taste out of her mouth and inspected her reflection. She sighed at the bags under her eyes. In human years, she was only twenty two but her worry about Caius has made her age significantly.

Every night she spent alone with her own thoughts, she felt like she was unravelling. Drinking from that homeless person had been dangerous. Why had she even done it anyway? It was so out of character. Perhaps a part of her thought that rebelling would bring Caius back, even if he did just show up to scold her.

She locked all the shutters and climbed into the empty double bed, despite the darkness still looming outside. There was still an indentation in Caius’ pillow. She hugged the covers close to herself and stared at it, envisioning his head filling the space. She tried to swallow the lump in her throat as she brushed her fingertips over the pillowcase, imagining his long mahogany hair splayed out over it. He had changed so much since she had first seen him. His style changed with the times. When she first laid eyes on him, he wore well-tailored suits and had his dark hair perfectly coiffed. Now, he looked like a reject from an indie rock band with his oversized, worn out leather jackets and the unkempt, shaggy mop on his head.

She sighed. What happened to you, Caius? Why have you left me?

After checking her phone for the final time, she placed it on the bedside table and burrowed deeper into the bed. She’d been sleeping alone for the past week but that didn’t mean she was used to it.

My eyes flicker open at the sound of clicking footsteps. The shivering starts. Or maybe I had been shaking as I slept too. I had never thought I would catch myself shivering. But maybe that’s what happens when you are slowly being broken down, your human frailties surface.

My hair is dank with my blood and is pasted to my face but it hurts when I move so I don’t bother trying to brush it away.

“Rise and shine,” he croons in that voice that is too cheery to be real.

I’m slumped against the back wall of the cell, as far as I can possibly be from him but it still doesn’t feel enough. My eyes flicker open and I can see him through the curtain of my hair.

“Oh, you’re not going to talk to me?” I can almost hear him pouting. “You know what I do when you don’t co-operate, don’t you?”

I don’t even have time to answer before the honking buzzer sounds and the UV light flashes into my cell. I cry and careen forwards, landing on my chest as my skin burns and singes. My clothes are nothing but scraps now and hold no shield against the unyielding light. It only lasts for a second but when the room returns to its slightly duller polished whiteness, I’m shaking and coughing from pain.

I take this chance to push my hair from my face and peer up at him on the other side of the bars. My hands are outstretched in front of me in a sticky puddle of old and fresh blood. My blood. The open sores covering my exposed arms are a mixture of black and glistening red, still smoking slightly and making a disgusting crisping sound as my body judders uncontrollably.

In my unconscious state, they have reapplied the tubes that feed into my wrists. It doesn’t surprise me. Every time I yank them out, he tortures me until I pass out and sticks them back in.

He’s fed the tube through the bars in front of the cell and has stuck them back into that machine on the thin stretch of wall. It’s filled with a new bottle. His steely eyes twinkle at me through his round specs.

My mouth opens and closes but my throat is as dry as sandpaper and my lips are so chapped and broken I can’t get a word out. I haven’t fed in a week.

“Don’t worry too much. You’ve survived two of these already. You’re definitely a fighter. Let’s just hope that this time you give me what I want.”

He flicks the switch and the plunger lowers, pushing the serum down, out of the bottle and into the tube, heading straight for me.

I can feel it burning its way through my veins, attacking me from the inside. I cringe and attempt to claw at my wrist but I’m so weak I can barely move.

It’s like I’m burning within. I cough and cry and wait for the nausea to knock me unconscious.

Evie sprang up into a sitting position with her hand clutching her chest, gasping empty air. If her heart could beat, she knew it would be clattering against her ribs now.

What was that? A dream? No. Not a dream. Vampires don’t dream. It was a cry for help. A cry for help from her Maker.

She remembered Caius talking about this. He had told her that in times of distress, Makers can communicate to their progeny and visa versa through their mind, not intentionally, but more on a subconscious level. He called them ‘Cries for help’, because that was basically what they were. A way to send a message to the other that they needed rescuing. But Makers can also call upon their progeny whenever they wanted and they are forced to obey. Why hadn’t he done that? If Caius was in so much trouble, why hadn’t he called her to his rescue?

A chill ran up her spine.

Because he knew she couldn’t rescue him.

Her stomach growled for attention so she looked over to her bedside clock to check the time, the sun had gone down, she could tell because she wasn’t drowsy but with the steel shutters down, it was hard to tell how deep into the night it was.

It was only seven but she knew it would be as black as pitch outside due to the gloomy winter weather so she opened the shutters and plodded downstairs. The empty house seemed even more eerily quiet and set her on edge as she went to all the windows, drawing back the shutters. Part of her kept expecting an ominous face pressed up against the glass, waiting to steal her away. She shuddered and pushed back the thought as she headed into the kitchen and opened the fridge.

She ripped the cap off a blood bag, settled onto the sofa in the living room and turned on the T.V. Maybe there was something on the News that could give her a clue to where her Maker was. Maybe the humans had finally had enough and were starting to do more than just vandalise vampire bars and throwing them insults in the street. Maybe they were taking a stand…

But there was nothing new, everything seemed the way it always was, always has been. Lady Sylvia, a prestigious member of the Vampire League, was on assuring that humans had nothing to fear. She was on almost every night saying the same thing, but they still managed to start a debate with her.

If humans really are the good in this world of good and evil, why are they filled with so much hate? Evie always wondered if anyone also had taken that into consideration.

With a few more lonely hours to kill before her shift at the club started, she grabbed her phone and looked up the number for Dial-a-bite.

“Hello, you’ve reached Dial-a-bite, how may I help you?” said the cheery female voice down the phone.

“Hi, it’s Evie Graham. Same as usual please?” Evie replied.

“Okay, one second, Evie Graham, I’ll just whip up your information here…” There was a pause and the sound of fingers on a keyboard. “Okay, so your usual is Michael, thirty-two, male, B positive, is that correct?”

“Yes, that’s correct.”

“Okay, great! Let me just check if he is available…and yes he is! When would you like him round?”

“As soon as possible, please,” said Evie, getting up off the sofa and turning on yet another lamp when a chill crawled up her spine.

“He will be round in fifteen minutes. Do we have your current address?”

“Yes. Yes, you do.”

“Okay, great! He will be round shortly. Enjoy!”

“Thank you,” said Evie before hanging up.

Fifteen minutes. Only fifteen minutes and she would no longer be alone with the gnawing pit of dread in her stomach.


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Tue Feb 28, 2017 9:03 am
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Rydia wrote a review...



So much for two a day, I'm already failing at my goal. Perhaps I need to review one chapter of this and then something shorter to fit them in. Anyway!

Specifics

1. The opening line isn't very thrilling and in many ways this is the first line f your novel - I don't generally count prologues - but it's also the start of a new chapter and those are always the points where you may or may not lose a reader. If the first few paragraphs of the new chapter don't grab me, I'll often decide that the end of the last chapter was a good stopping point afterall but you want to be in a position where your reader only put the book down when they literally have to. Maybe google some famous first lines and then ask yourself, is this the line you want people to quote if your book does become well known?

2. It seems odd that someone who has shown they can't handle blood is still allowed to work as a bouncer. The really big rule is usually that a bouncer has to be able to handle any situation which may be dangerous toward the customers. Most of the time the worst that happens is they have to call a cab for someone who got into a drunk punch up but even that will often end in a bloody nose or split lip. Girls will also walk by smelling of blood all the time because they wear heals and heals cut the back of their feet or they take their shoes off and stand on glass. When I was at uni, there was nearly always one girl in the group with a cut foot. I carried plasters as a default for the backs of my heels but also because people were always asking to borrow them. There are a lot of other jobs which Evie could take which require strength and are more night based than day-time so I feel like we need to understand why she chose this one and how she stays undercover when female bouncers are rare and must surely be under suspicion of being vampires. There just aren't that many girls who would take that kind of job.

3.

Evie pushed her tongue against her teeth to force herself to stay quiet. She knew he was wrong because vampires can tell when a human has been compelled and she knew the Dial-a-bite system didn’t work like that. But obviously, she couldn’t tell him that.
This reads a little awkwardly and I'm not sure how to explain what it is but something about the use of 'she knew that'. I'd rephrase it as:

Evie pushed her tongue against her teeth to force herself to stay quiet. He was wrong. She knew he was because vampires could tell when a human has been compelled and she knew the Dial-a-bite system didn’t work like that. But obviously, she couldn’t tell him that.

4.
The last dregs of drunken misfits started making their way home at around three in the morning and Evie called it a night soon after, watching the sky turn from black to a murky blue. She shoved her hands into her leather jacket pockets and tilted her head down from the wind as it whipped her auburn hair across her face. She may not feel the cold but the wind still irritated her.
It's a bit of a mouthful to say leather jacket pockets so I'd suggest 'the pockets of her leather jacket' instead.

5.
Known vampires were constantly watched by the human authorities and simple interacts interactions between vampires with humans often came with a not-so- concealed stake held in a sweaty grip. Evie was always thankful that she had been able to keep a low profile for so long. Sure, she was watched every now and again.


6. You've got some really chunky paragraphs which make this chapter a daunting read and don't give the reader many chances to kind of take a breath and digest the information. Try to break up anything that's more than 6/7 sentences long.

7.
Two drunks stumbled out of a bar, laughing and slapping each other playfully on the backs. Evie licked her lips but zipped up her leather jacket and regressed into the shadows. Checking her phone, her gut twisted. No new messages. No new voicemails. She chewed her lip and called Caius again. Just as she had expected, there was no answer. She was starting to get worried. It had been a week since she had seen him. He had left to go to the hospital and never come back. Sure, Caius was a big boy. He had been around for ten centuries for God’s sake, he could look after himself. But she couldn’t shake the prickly feeling at the back of her neck that told her that something didn’t quite add up.
There are too many short sentences in a row in the middle of this paragraph so none of them really get any emphasis. Sometimes that works during a tense scene or when you want to show something with a strained mental state but it feels out of place here. It works better in the next paragraph when she's worrying about Caius but again, it will be more effective if you do it less often.

8.
“Caius!” she called, slamming the door behind her. Her boots squelched as she walked across the laminate. They used to have carpet but blood stains were a right bitch to clean. Her stomach knotted. No answer. Where the hell is he?!


9.
He’s fed the tubes through the bars in front of the cell and has stuck them back into that machine on the thin stretch of wall. It’s filled with a new bottle. His steely eyes twinkle at me through his round specs.


10.
Her stomach growled for attention so she looked over to her bedside clock to check the time, the sun had gone down, she could tell because she wasn’t drowsy but with the steel shutters down, it was hard to tell how deep into the night it was.
This reads awkwardly - it needs breaking into seperate sentences because checking the bedside clock isn't what tells her the sun has gone down and she probably realises that first and then looks to see what time it is.

11.
She ripped the cap off a blood bag, settled onto the sofa in the living room and turned on the T.V. Maybe there was something on the News that could give her a clue to where her Maker was. Maybe the humans had finally had enough and were starting to do more than just vandalise vampire bars and throwing them insults insulting them in the street. Maybe they were taking a stand…


12.
But there was nothing new, everything seemed the way it always was, always has had been. Lady Sylvia, a prestigious member of the Vampire League, was on assuring that humans had nothing to fear. She was on almost every night saying the same thing, but they still managed to start a debate with her.


Overall

This chapter was quite a bit weaker than the others. The description and flow were still good but I have a big issue with the realism. It's not that the events in the story wouldn't work but they're not presented in a very compelling way. The first for instance is that vampires have become marginalised/ under threat. So I can see how that might happen as humans get weaponised and the media takes over BUT vampires are ancient, powerful and can make more of their kind and use the same weapons the humans do only with more time to train and better instincts/ reaction times. For us to buy this scenario, we need to understand how this happened. Was there some big event which caused the vampire numbers to decrease or can vampires only have one or two progeny? What is it which makes them inferior to humans?

The second issue is that Evie attacks a person when she doesn't need to and later even admits herself that it was stupid and out of character. Why does she do it when she has blood and apparently can ring up and have someone delivered to her? She doesn't feel particularly desperate at the time so maybe it's that you need to emphasise her emotions.

Problem three is the bouncer job but I think I covered it already.

I like the ideas you're playing with but Evie isn't immediately an interesting character and we don't get a strong insight into her emotions so that makes the unreality of this harder to swallow.

I'm still interested in the story so this wasn't enough to put me off but I'm a little worried that if I'd started reading at this end, I may not have wanted to read all the way through.

~Heather






Hello again!

I have changed this chapter a lot since it has been put on here and I didn't republish because I didn't expect to have new readers. But a few of the problems have been resolved and the spelling errors are fixed.

2. Eric and Evie work as a team, anything Evie thinks that she cannot handle on her own, Eric is there to help. Also, having vampires around, people are a lot more cautious about spilling blood - which makes sense. So there aren't many fights that end in blood.

The whole point of this novel is that, yes vampires are strong and could easily overpower the human population but they DON'T WANT to. They just want to be accepted and live amongst them. Just because you are stronger, doesn't mean you have to beat the weaker people down.

There is a historic event that made this world how it is now. It is brushed on in the summary but if you haven't read that, it is explained later on.

I have changed the part where Evie feeds of the human. I have explained earlier on that she is doing it to get Caius' attention and bring him back to her so he will stop her breaking rules.

This is also only half of a chapter, I broke them in half at the start to not scare people away.

Thanks for the review :)



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Sun Jan 15, 2017 3:55 pm
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MeatBunCat wrote a review...



Hai! MeatBunCat here to review another part of your story!

Eric was very understanding and would always usher her away when any of the red stuff was around.

I dunno much about bars or clubs, but I thought the general requirement of a bouncer is that they can break up fights. Claiming you gotta fear of blood seems like it would ruin your chances.

She noticed that when he breathed, puffs of white mist came from his mouth so she started breathing too, before he caught onto the fact that the air around her was completely untarnished.

Good, focusing a bit on the sneakyness of hiding what you are.

Whenever a fight did break out, they always wanted Evie to be the one to step in and sort them out because of how mean and intimidating Eric looked.

Why did they even hire her? Most of the job is just standing around being imposing, but you say this girl can't be.

though she made it to my porch in

1st and 3rd person mashed together oddly here.

If humans really are the good in this world of good and evil, why are they filled with so much hate?

Reasonable perspective of a vampire, while everyone is in their right mind to dislike a species that uses them for nourishment, a vampire wouldn't see the problem. Sort of like how we see no problem in eating cows, yet would find it weird if they ever got angry or aggressive with us.

“Hello, you’ve reached Dial-a-bite, how may I help you?” said the cheery female voice down the phone.

How can you be a secret vampire yet use a normal phone, calling in a known blood...donor to your house enough for it to be the usual thing? I dun understand.

------------

Thoughts:
Other then the bouncer who would never be hired and casually calling a known vampire feeder over to her house despite trying to keep it secret thing. This is pretty well paced, and I like the tone you're going for.






Ooh you have read on! Yay!

Considering people live with known vampires, few bar brawls end in blood because well... that's pretty dangerous. But, people are still stupid so yes, there can be blood but just because in those few scenarios, Evie lets Eric take the lead, she's not completely useless.

They hired her because she can be very... persuading. And that's a much better way to throw someone out than literally having to throw someone out.

Whoops, accidental first person, thanks for pointing it out :)

The Dial-a-Bite service keep everyone's details private and confidential. Kind of like a doctors. So Evie has no worry about them when she calls, only really her neighbours. It is mentioned, if not in this chapter, in one a little further on.

Hope I've cleared everything up.

I'm glad you like the pacing and the tone. I don't like to throw my readers into the action, I like them to find their footing first.



MeatBunCat says...


I still think a bouncer is meant to be a big mean looking guy to scare people from ever wanting to fight in the first place. But if you're sure.

Also yeah, I'm gonna review these on and off. I have my own story going, and figure I might use your massive story as one of my main sources of points to fund my own. So going to review a few every time I plan to post a chapter. So expect a review every once in a while on this!



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Thu Feb 04, 2016 9:35 pm
megsug wrote a review...



Hi,
Remember when you asked me to review your novel months ago, and I reviewed your prologue and said I'd be back soon, but that was also months ago? Well, I'm back and here to review. I've skimmed through the reviews, so I hope I don't repeat anything, but I may emphasize what other reviewers have said.

That ending was intriguing. I like how it seems like she called for Michael less for his blood (since she's drinking blood out of a bag practically as she's calling) but for company. That's an interesting relationship dynamic.

Okay... so I read through most of the fascinating conversation you had with windrattlesthroughtheblinds. The thing with the hobo was weird especially since she wasn't ravenous. She was peckish. Even more mind boggling, she didn't even appreciate his blood. It's like me stopping by McDonald's when I have a homecooked meal in the fridge. She had to try not to gag. Just wait.

You say she hadn't had anything fresh. I'm assuming that's a living human. I'm assuming Michael is more appetizing than this hobo that disgusted her so much she had to shower. Her stopping to drink this guy makes no sense. Even if I just make the hobo a cheeseburger it doesn't make sense. I'm not going to eat a cheeseburger in an alley. Nope. That's disgusting.

I'm down with her attacking someone and drinking their blood. I just want it to make sense. Like, she's breaking the law (or at least I assume so, since she would have to worry about this guy remembering her if he was conscious), and it seems like an intelligent law put into place. You can't just have vampires drinking everyone's blood.

While, I like the idea of humans being the antagonist (heck, I agree, we suck), I think it should be kept in mind that conflicts are never black and white. I think you're trying to do that. Since you have rogue vamps and whatnot, but even if you mean for Evie to be flawed, you aren't portraying her like she is. Drinking the hobo's blood is definitely bad, but that isn't acknowledged. The water's muddy there.

Whoa. I spent too long talking about that one topic. The other thing I'm curious about is a vampire's metabolism because Evie seems hungry all the time. She had that hobo for dinner, then she's starving for breakfast then she has a blood bag and immediately calls dial-a-bite. Is she stress eating?

Other than that, I'm really intrigued by where this is going. Casius seems pretty legit and his situation sounds terrifying. I'm strangely excited to meet Michael even though I don't know much about him except his blood type xD

I'll move on to your next chapter as soon as possible.
Megs~






Hello again :)

Yeah, Evie is incredibly lonely, to basically have to buy company is pretty sad :(

Ah yes, the hobo scene! You are right about her stress eating. Also, a Maker's job is to guide their progeny and in the world they live in, stop them from feeding from people! The absence of Caius is taking its toll on Evie, she's biting defenseless strangers for next to no reason. She's regressing. To be without a Maker and companion at the same time is pretty difficult, especially when she lives so closed off from everyone else anyway. Her natural vampire instincts are kicking in.

Thanks for the review!



megsug says...


Ahh. This makes more sense. Though she's been with him for a century. And where is Caius' mentor then? Just a question.
As you said, this is only chapter one, and that scene would be much more striking if we knew this wasn't normal behavior. As it is, the reader is just confused by her behavior. I'd almost suggest moving that scene to a different chapter with build up to this event which is actually really significant if what you say is true. She's having a breakdown, and she's going against her morals. That's important, and that has consequences. She should have some internal strife because of her actions. That's important, and that's what makes her real and relatable.

The fact that you've had to explain why to almost every reviewer here shows that your chapter doesn't send that message effectively. I'm sure you've explained it later on, but I don't think anyone will connect it to the hobo.





Caius' Maker is around, but Caius is an ancient vampire so he has less need to be guided. He has a rather sugnificant relationship with his Maker, which you'd learn about as the story continues :) I'll have a re-edit of the hobo scene because it still is causing problems. It's just hard to portray because Evie isn't thinking, she's just acting. She's purely instinct now and it's hard to explain because she doesn't really realise it. The lack of thought is intentional, she's not dwelling on things, she's just trying to hold out each night. And my intention wasn't for anyone to feel for the hobo, as you said earlier, the humans are the antagonists.





Fixed it! I think...



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Dragongirl wrote a review...



Vampires!

Dragongirl here to review as requested. I enjoyed this chapter, I actually read it sometime ago but hadn't review it. *Feeling sheepish* Well the past is the past and I am here now so lets get this chapter reviewed.

As far as a first chapter goes, this is a good one. You introduce your main character, you do some world building, enough to get your readers interested but not overwhelmed and you give us some hint of drama happening. Lots of good elements.

That being said I am going to point out a few spots that I think you could improve just a bit. :)

She’d been working with him for just over a year now as a bouncer at the club Sourz.


This part I wasn't even sure if I should mention but I am going to anyway. I think if she is trying to keep the fact that she is a vampire on the down low, being a bouncer is a odd job. It's more commonly a guy's job, and a big guy at that. There is no doubt she can do the job but it seems like it might become obvious that she has vampire strength. If you want her to work at a bar, maybe a bartender would be more low key. That is just me though.


It was a human club. Evie thought it would be best. There was much less blood.


This is a fragment sentence, I actually think the one after it might be as well but I am not completely sure.


She always thought that if the tables were turned, she’d want the young, pretty faced red head to throw them out rather than the six foot three black man that was the size of a truck. But little did they know that Evie could run rings around Eric and shred him to pieces if she wanted to.


Them should be her.

Sure, she was watched every now and again. Everyone was to some extent. But it was nothing compared to the scrutiny that vampires faced on a nightly basis.


I think you meant to write, that some vampires

She’d been sleeping alone for the past week but that didn’t mean she was used to it.


It's only been a week? I think it is good that she is missing him but there seems to be longing where there should be worry or panic. Maybe you did that on purpose because he is her master but you did say they sometimes took breaks so I am not sure what to think.

Anywho, that is it on stuff I noticed to fix. Your grammar, for the most part, looks pretty good to me, but grammar and spelling are not my strongest areas. :)

Here are a couple spots I liked.

She noticed that when he breathed, puffs of white mist came from his mouth so she started breathing too, before he caught onto the fact that the air around her was completely untarnished.


Completely untarnished, I love the creativity of this word picture. Makes me happy down to my toes when people branch out from their cliches.

She may not feel the cold but the wind still irritated her.


This was such a great description. You let us know she can't feel the cold, but she is feeling irritated. She is undead but she live/feels through emotions.

Nice work.

You have a lot of great stuff here.

Keep up the solid writing.

DG






Thank you so much for the detailed review!

Evie never uses her vampire strength in her job as a bouncer but uses her other vampire skills that are less obvious. That's why its not considered weird for her to be a bouncer, and be good at it. Also, Eric is more of the muscle and they always man the doors together so its like he's there to protect her as well if things get too bad.

I'm always confused with fragmented sentences. People flag them up as being wrong but I see them all the time in the books I read. Is it more to do with personal preference? Do people just not like them? Because I think they work and because I've seen them so much in published work I assumed they were okay?

I'll sort out those things you've picked out.

Thanks again :D



Dragongirl says...


Sure thing! Have a great day and let me know if you want the next chapter reviewed!



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Linguistic wrote a review...



So let's see here. I enjoyed the prologue, and I think I might be able to say the same for this chapter.

Warning: this might be a tad long, because I'm writing down my thoughts as I read, instead of simply listing good and bad. We'll see how it turns out ;)

So here we go:

The beginning was not entirely hooking. Like... "ooh it's cold out" big whoop. I always like a chapter that starts with HOOKING dialogue. But this lacked the "hooking" part.

This sentence: "Evie thought it would be best. There was much less blood" doesn't make sense to me. There would be less blood at a human club? Humans are full of blood! It courses through their veins! They have a lot of blood, so that doesn't make sense. Maybe if you said something like "blood, out in the open, oozing out of a cut, was much harder for Evie than anything else" so we know that enclosed blood isn't really a problem. Ya know?

I like the idea of the "blood bars" and such. You have some great, unique ideas about vampires in this world. I'm liking that so far :)

I like Eric. Not much I can say about that, but I like him. He grew on me throughout the chapter. And I like his views on the whole "vampires clashing with humans".

And that brings me to a concern. This doesn't make much sense. Why would humans ever agree to live happily (or not so happily) among vampires? I know I would never come within 80 miles of a blood-sucking beast, not to mention be neighbors with one. Maybe you could add some information on WHY the humans made the choice.

Much like the prologue, you have amazing description, and superb word choice. I like seeing words that the every-day person doesn't always use. Like the prologue, though, a little more on the surrounding area? Thanks!

I love all your characters!!! They're so amusing to read about :) definitely one of your strong points! They really evolve throughout the story. I look forward to more of that in the future.

Another thing I didn't entirely understand:

The beginning of the chapter, Evie is like "vampires don't feed on unsuspecting victims, and we have our own blood banks" and stuff, but then she bites that drunk guy? It seemed to me that she was a little hypocritical.

By the way "co-operate" doesn't necessarily need the dash. cooperate works fine

During that Cry For Help dream thing I actually got shivers. There was so much description, and raw emotion, and it was fantastic! The dialogue wasn't cheesy either (because sometimes dreams tend to stray from point). I thought you did a really good job on that :)

I felt that the ending wasn't quite as "I'm on the edge of my seat" as the middle. From beginning to end, it started low, peaked my interest, then died an untimely death.

I suggest making the beginning and end a little more hooking so the reader KEEPS reading!

But this is fabulous, even if my review made you think I didn't like it. I actually love the idea, and love the characters, and honey, you are a miracle worker with dialogue.

I will keep reading this as long as you keep writing it ;)

~Anna Rae

(fwew, that was a long one!)






Well the start of the story was kind of meant to be simple, it's about a vampire pretending to be a human so not everything is going to be super exciting all the time. Evie's just trying to have a normal life. And the whole 'there's less blood in a human bar' will make more sense when you understand what goes down in vampire bars ;)

I know, there's been a few people that just can't get the heads around why a world would be this way but again, the more you read, the more you understand. This is supposed to be a dystopian novel so the world isn't supposed to be a nice one :P Have you watched True Blood, by any chance? Because the world this story is set in is kind of like the one in that. Where humans and vamps live side by side. It works in some ways, but obviously there is some trouble XD

I'm glad you like my characters! Eric seems to have that effect on people. They like him just because he's likable. Which is what I was going for.

Yeah, it is a little hypercritical of Evie. She hasn't really completely conformed. She's trying to be the best vampire she can for her Maker but she does have the occasional slip-up. And now that her Maker's missing, it is happening a little more. She's supposed to be flawed. None of my characters are perfect.

Woo! The Cry for Help was a little tricky to write. I get what you mean when you say dreams can come out cheesy. They're really hard to get right!

I don't really want all of my chapters to have massive cliff-hangers because I think it can become exhausting. And I guess reading when chapters are uploaded is a lot different to if you just had a book with all the chapters in it. If a chapter didn't end in a cliff-hanger in a book, it wouldn't really matter because the next chapter is right there for you to continue. Some of my chapters end in an 'I'm on the edge of my seat' way, and some don't.

I'm glad you like the idea and it always makes me super happy when people like my characters ^_^ I totally put 100% into making them as realistic as I can.

And I will definitely keep writing! I'm actually on chapter 42 at the moment but obviously I need more coins to upload :P And I really need to go over and edit....

This is the best novel I've written so far and I am completely dedicated to it! Don't worry about that!

I hope you do keep reading! :D



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windrattlestheblinds wrote a review...



This is going to be long review, I bet. [ETA: I didn't notice or read the prologue before reading chapter one, FYI. So this review was written with knowledge of this chapter and nothing else.]

Right off the bat, I have a problem with this story: Vampires as a metaphor for marginalized groups. I hate this trope with a burning, fiery passion. Real life marginalized groups are comprised of people who, for one reason or another, have less power than the groups who oppress them. If they’re visible or out, they’re often in very real danger of violence—whether physical or emotional—from their oppressors.

That is not the case with vampires. Vampires, by their very nature, PREY ON human beings. They are predators and human beings are their prey. Humans would look at vampires with “fear and hatred in their eyes” for an EXCELLENT reason—namely that vampires are creatures DESIGNED TO KILL AND EAT HUMANS. In a world populated chiefly by gazelles, a tribe of lions is not a marginalized group. Similarly, a vampire complaining about how humans are afraid of it does not inspire my sympathy. It makes me go “OF COURSE humans don’t trust you, you entitled little idiot, YOUR KIND KILL AND EAT HUMANS TO LIVE.” It’s roughly equivalent to a casually transphobic cis person complaining about how trans people tend to hold cis people in general in suspicion (because many, many cis people have hurt them before).

And if the vampire in question doesn’t personally drink human blood? They’re doing the supernatural equivalent of “Not all men!” and ignoring the VERY LEGITIMATE reasons humans have to assume that every vampire they meet is a potential threat. It doesn’t impress me. Remember: As a human, you might meet forty-nine perfectly decent, non-murderous vampires and one vampire that decides it simply must partake of your delicious life fluid. By looking at them, you can’t distinguish the one that will kill you from the forty-nine that won’t. By treating all fifty vampires as potential murderers and taking the same precautions for all of them, you DRASTICALLY increase your life expectancy.

(Oh, and your vampires can compel people! Even better. Now that one vampire out of fifty who’s going to kill you can get into your brain and make you willingly offer up your jugular vein. Remind again me why humans should want ANYTHING to do with vampires?)

Basically, I hate the “humans oppressing vampires” trope more than I can adequately express without an expletive-riddled several-hour rant. Haaaaaaaaaaate it.

Moving on.

I like Eric. He seems like a sensible man trying to be kind while also keeping a clear head and wanting threats to be kept at a distance. I know you wanted him to seem prejudiced and mean, but… Like I said, you can’t take a sentence like “I have no problem with gay people, as long as they keep to themselves” and swap out “vampires” for “gay people” and have the meaning be the same. Gay people are just people like anyone else. Vampires are predators whose natural function is to kill you and who can compel you to LET them kill you. They’re like serial killers with mind control powers and, again, you have NO WAY of telling the non-murderers from the murderers.

Oh, and Eric’s an actually marginalized person, rendering this whole vampires-are-so-oppressed thing even more absurd and illogical. Eric’s had to deal with racial profiling and microaggressions and the constant unspoken threat of violence and other fun things that go with being a visible member of a marginalized group all his life. And Evie, the vampire who could, in her own words, run rings around him and shred him to pieces, is upset because he’s wary of vampires. Not even in favor of exterminating them—just wary.

My sympathy is 110% with Eric at this point.

OH AND IT GETS BETTER. So Evie has multiple options—blood bags and a service that will, from the sound of it, get her a willing, living blood donor—and she’s “peckish.” So she attacks some random dude on the street? And she has the AUDACITY to be upset about humans being afraid of her? SHE’S ATTACKING PEOPLE. And complaining about how poor the pickings are while she does it. Like. Seriously. She’s kind of despicable.

“If humans really are the good in this world of good and evil, why are they filled with so much hate?” <- It was at this point that I screamed several things that were unrepeatable on this site and had to set the review aside for a little while. Congratulations: I’ve not even finished chapter one and I hate your protagonist’s guts.

[Stories about vampires integrating with human society can be done well, mind you. It just requires that the typical metaphor be reversed: Vampires as an oppressor group striving to make themselves safe on behalf of the oppressed, and the good vampires understanding the fear and loathing of humans and also working to stop other vampires from continuing to hurt and/or kill.]

Okay, now some things that were good:

Your prose is pretty great. It’s very readable, and at times the description is pretty and just… nice to read. It also flows pretty well, and the pacing is good.

I like the world you’ve set up in terms of realistic options offered to vampires in a modern age. Also the fact that there are humans who go around asking vampires to bite them, because OF COURSE there would be. And the abilities and weaknesses of your vampires are presented well and without infodumping. They seem like well-balanced creatures, not too over-powered but not total pushovers either.

Due to my utter hatred for Evie and assumption that Caius is little better than she is, I’m not emotionally invested in seeing her rescue him or in her worry and fear, but laying that aside and speaking strictly in terms of the writing itself—the way you’ve set up Caius being kidnapped and tortured and reaching out to Evie to let her know is put together very nicely. (Although I am questioning how loving their relationship can be if Evie thinks it’s likely or acceptable that Caius would mind-control her into coming to his aid.)

You’ve done an awesome job of setting up your plot. Yes, your protagonist is morally bankrupt and I hate her, but I’m still intrigued by Caius’s capture and torture. Who has him? How did they manage to overpower and imprison a vampire with thousands of years of experience? What’s their motive? What are they trying to get from him? Will they kill him and Evie? Are they government-sanctioned or a rogue group of vigilante fighters? However much I don’t like Evie, this group makes me want to keep reading. Granted, I’ll be rooting for them and you probably didn’t intend that, but there it is. This sounds like an exciting plot and even though I hate the main character, I want to keep reading the story to find out what happens because the set-up is so good.






The vampires in this novel want to be accepted into society, they just want to be treated like normal. For most of the vampires, it wasn't their choice to be Turned and they just want their old life back. It will be made more clear later on as well, just how far they are willing to go to just be treated as equals and why it is a much better solution than just being vampires that kill humans because that's what vampires do. (A significant event happened in the past that made the world like this) The vampires in this story DO NOT WANT TO KILL PEOPLE that's why they are trying to keep the Equal Rights movement stable.

Be aware, this is from the point of view of a vampire pretending to be a human so she doesn't have to deal with the prejudice against her race. So, using your example, it's like a gay person pretending to be straight so they don't get bullied. Of course Evie thinks the humans are the evil because they are not letting her be who she is, which is a vampire that DOES NOT WANT TO KILL PEOPLE and simply just wants to live. In this chapter, this is just Evie's POV, more characters are introduced and show that there are different ways to see the world they are living in. Evie's life has been very closed off since she was forced to be Turned and she lost everything because of it. She's going to be at least a little bitter.

Eric is a sensible man and Evie gets along with him. He's her best friend and so his views of vampires clearly don't effect Evie too much. And as I said before, yes, the compelling allows vampires to kill people if they so wanted but they DON'T. That's the point.

Evie isn't a saint. She's not supposed to be. She has flaws. I never want my characters to be perfect because perfect is boring. She has the mind of a vampire. She doesn't want to kill people but she still likes blood so her comment about the tramps blood was simply her thinking like a vampire. The vampires in this novel aren't monsters, but they're not human either. Their humanity was taken from them and so has some of their morality because of it.

Haha, as I said before, Evie's not perfect. I've read a hell of a lot of books which I have thoroughly enjoyed yet hated the main character. (Btw, Evie is only 1 of several main characters and the last 2/3 of the novel is written from other characters perspective)

And the Vampire Court ARE the vampires that are trying to oppress the rogue vampires and keep them in line. You'll see them in the prologue. Because they sure as hell can't leave that up to the humans.

I'm glad you found the world realistic because I think, if a novel doesn't have that, it's doomed from the start. You are not the only person who has disliked Evie. I have uploaded this novel on another writing website I someone reacted to her the same way though further on in the novel, her opinion changed. I'm not saying that's going to happen to you but keep an open mind :P

Caius is Evie's Maker and she is his progeny so their relationship is based on more than just love. It's loyalty too. It's a progeny's job to protect their Maker and a Maker's job to take care of their progeny. So it would have been acceptable in Evie's mind that Caius were to command her to his aid. But, as mentioned, because he didn't, he must be in some serious trouble.

As I said before, yes Evie is a little immoral but she IS a vampire. Not a scary serial killer vampire, but still a vampire. Again, this is only the first chapter and Evie's character builds throughout the novel, along with the other characters. Things change.

I'm glad I've got you intrigued anyhow :P

Thank you so much for the review and I apologise for making you scream at the screen haha, but I think you've just looked too deeply into it. It's a vampire novel, it's not supposed to reflect real life. I don't have some weird passive-aggressive ulterior motive. I just like vampires and wanted to make a good story :P





Vampires do not get a cookie for not killing people.

No, seriously, they don't. Not killing people is the most basic, fundamental level of basic decency. If you have homicidal urges%u2014or if you're a vampire whose biological instinct pushes you to kill and eat humans%u2014you don't get or deserve applause and praise for refraining, because you should be refraining as a matter of course.

A vampire pretending to be human is not comparable to a human of a marginalized group pretending to be not in that marginalized group. A closeted marginalized person is closeted because there is very real danger associated with coming out%u2014yes, some people will accept them, but many people will not, and coming out could get them seriously injured, turned out of their own homes [if their parents throw them out, which happens infuriatingly often], correctively raped, or even killed. All of these are very real and present threats.

On the other hand, what does a vampire pretending to be human have to fear in coming out? Mean comments? People being afraid of them or not wanting to associate with them? In Evie's own words, she could shred a person like Eric to pieces if she wanted to. She could compel people to treat her well. If someone didn't take well to finding out she was a vampire and the confrontation turned violent, the odds are hugely stacked in Evie's favor. And, as I've said, unlike a marginalized person, Evie is NOT human. She is a DIFFERENT SPECIES who requires the blood of humans TO LIVE. She is a natural predator of humanity.

And even if the majority of vampires are like Evie and don't go out of their way to kill people?

1. There are still rogue vampires who do kill people. My point about meeting forty-nine non-murderous vampires and one murderous one still stands: If you have no way of telling the good ones from the bad ones, the safest course of action is to assume that they are all potential threats. [To put this in real-world terms: When I come out, it's always a gamble. There is an element of risk, because in the vast majority of cases, until I come out, I have NO idea how the person I'm coming out to will respond. I've had many nasty responses, although thankfully nothing violent. Coming out is has a HUGE potential to get me seriously hurt. Consequently, staying closeted and assuming that all allocishets are ace/aro/trans/lesbophobic and will respond poorly at best is often a matter of ensuring my own safety.]

2. Evie is, according to you, a prosocial vampire, but she still attacks random people on the streets for no reason other than that she's a tiny bit hungry. She's, per the text, 30 seconds away from home, where she has blood bags or a ~15 minute wait to get blood from an actual willing source in a safe and sustainable manner. Instead, she chooses to attack a drunk, quite possibly homeless man who is probably not in the best of health and whom she leaves totally exposed to the elements.

I'm assuming that Evie takes about a liter of that dude's blood, because that's about the comfortable capacity of a human stomach and there's no reason for vampire stomachs to be even larger, and also there's nothing in the text about her stopping before she's full. So drunk homeless dude is now down a liter of blood, out in the streets during a rainstorm, totally exposed to the elements; that means he's missing about 20% of his total blood volume. Since he lost that blood very rapidly, he's now at a risk for going into shock and possibly dying. At the very, very least, he should be getting medical treatment for that much blood loss. And since he's homeless, it's likely that he has additional health problems that could further worsen his odds. And this isn't even getting into the fact that alcohol is a blood thinner that may prevent blood from coagulating properly, so it's entirely possible that he bled more than usual, which might've incited her to drink more too.

Basically, even if Evie didn't set out to kill him, there's a decent chance that she did, since she took 20% of his blood and then left him lying in the rain. (And, of course, it's possible for a human/vampire stomach to expand to hold as much as four liters, so saying that she probably didn't take more than one is a conservative estimate on my part. The more she took, the more likely that guy is to die overnight.)

And she did this because she was feeling "peckish." And complained about how gross this petty little meal was.

I'm not saying that you haven't written a brilliant vampire character. You have. It's just that she's totally monstrous and morally reprehensible. Not really protagonist material unless you're aiming for villain protagonists.





As for the Vampire Court: I read the prologue. Exactly how are they protecting humanity by savaging innocent human beings to force unwilling vampires to turn those humans into more vampires? How exactly is "for every second you waste, I'm going to kill another human" PROTECTING humanity from murderous vampires? They ARE murderous vampires! They show zero respect for human life; they even refer to humans as "breathers" in a manner that clearly indicate's is a pejorative term. I thought you were setting them up as *villains*, not a group dedicated to preventing other vampires from killing and eating people!

I don't think I'm looking too deeply into it, in part because the metaphor is SO blatant and in part because I take the view that nothing is ever "just a story." Nothing exists in a vacuum, and everything impacts everything else. You can, in fact, write a good story about vampires without blatantly comparing them to real life marginalized people.





Okay, you are reading way too deeply into this. This is a vampire novel and as I said it have NOTHING to do with the real world. Evie is a vampire. She likes blood. And no, she doesn't deserve a cookie. She doesn't want a medal. She wants nothing from not killing people. She doesn't want to. She doesn't feel like she needs to. But she needs to drink blood just like we need to eat. So she does. Because she's a vampire.

Compare this to the X-Men world. Do the mutants have the ability to kill people? Sure do. Do some of them kill people? Sure do. Do all of them kill people? Nope. Are they still seen as a threat? Hell yeah.

This is only the first chapter. I can't throw everything at you at once. You'll learn more about the society as the story continues and how vampires are treated. I'm not going to explain it all to you now.

Yes, Evie is a different species but maybe she's in denial? She didn't want to be a vampire. She hangs around with humans. She has a human job. She's pretending to be a human because it makes her feel better about what has happened.

Again, you'll see later on why the vampires are NOT acting like the predators that they could be.

1. Yes, there are vampires that kill people. There are also humans that kill people. Does that mean everyone should just be scared of everyone and assume everyone is a potential threat? Yes, if Evie came out as a vampire, it is a gamble. A gamble she is not willing to make. She wants to be seen as human. Simple as that.

2. She's a vampire. She drinks blood. If you are still not happy about that, maybe you should just not read a vampire story. EVIE IS A VAMPIRE. If you can't deal with her biting people and drinking blood, I can't help you. And to be honest, I don't think all that was running around in her head when she drank from that guy. No one would think like that.

As I keep saying, this is the FIRST CHAPTER. There is a HELL of a lot of time for Evie to develop and change. You can't possibly understand a character in one chapter. Evie is a vampire are her morals are askew, I know, but I find that a lot more attractive in a protagonist than a goodie two shoes bore. That might just be me. I like the unexpected. It's more exciting.

In the prologue, that was 100 prior to this chapter so a lot has changed since then. Again, you'll know when you carry on reading.

I'm sorry you compare everything to everything. To be honest, I got the idea from the X-men universe and True Blood rather than the real world. And things can just be a story. Just for fun. Everything doesn't have to be serious and have hidden agenda.

I wrote this because I like stories and films where the humans are the bad guys. Because to be honest, I think us humans are the worst species. And I know that I am one. But it's true. And I like things that explore that.

I feel like I have just repeated myself over and over again but I honestly don't know what else I can say.

There are vampires. They do not want to kill and want nothing in return except just being left alone. Some kill, yes, because there are always little shits that don't want to play by the rules. Evie likes blood. Because she is a vampire. Sometimes her natural instincts trump everything else. Because, not matter how hard she wants to pretend like she's a human, she's not. If you don't like her because of it, that's perfectly fine. In fact, I like creating characters where people have different opinions of them. And from what you have said, I feel you are going to have different opinion about all of my characters. That won't make me love any of them any less. They are all there for a reason. They all have their quirks for a reason. Deal with it.





It isn't just a story when the comparisons are textual. Evie acts like a textbook closeted person and totally ignores the fact that she is, in fact, attacking people on the street and seriously injuring them. Humans would be RIGHT to be afraid of her, BECAUSE she's willing and able to hurt them for relatively insignificant reasons.

And what you overlook with the "but humans murder too!" argument is that that's *exactly* what I'm saying. I view anyone belonging the gender/sexuality majority [i.e., the group of my oppressors] with deep suspicion. All my interactions with them are built on a foundation of "until you've proven yourself trustworthy, I'm going to consider you a potential threat." Experience has taught me that this is necessary.

Experience has taught humans in your story that it's necessary to treat vampires this way. Vampires drink human blood to live. By default, they MUST injure or kill humans to survive. They are our natural predators. In the modern age, they have resources like blood bags and communities of willing donors [who are presumably also paid for their services, considering you've set them up as an equivalent to prostitution] that enable them to avoid harming innocent people. Maybe most of them stick to these resources and have better self-control/more respect for the sanctity of life than Evie does.

That being the case, there's still a lot%u2014including Evie herself%u2014who pose real threats to humanity. Humans are 100% justified in being afraid of them. That's the point. Evie has NO room to justifiably complain that humans don't like vampires when she's actively hurting humans herself because she wants a snack.

I can totally sympathize with loving characters no matter how horribly flawed they are or how differently other people view them. I write almost exclusively villain protagonists for that very reason. BUT when doing so I think it's important--vital, really--to write with the awareness that these characters, however much I love them, are NOT good people.

One of my favorite characters of all time is a megalomaniacal, proudly amoral, power-hungry revolutionary with a hair-trigger temper, proclivities to violence, and a willingness to murder children to get what she wants. I love her to bits. She's also evil. So when I write her (and she is a protagonist, mind you), I make absolutely sure to portray the actual real consequences of what she does--the suffering and death she leaves in her wake--as well as the fact that she feels totally justified in everything she does. Ignoring those consequences will almost ALWAYS come off as a bad case of protagonist centered morality (that is, that the protagonist's beliefs and actions are always objectively correct), with the text as a whole agreeing with/accepting all the evil things the character does. This is something I emphatically DO NOT WANT, because, again, she's *evil*.

The point being, again, I'm not saying "don't write morally reprehensible characters as your protagonists," I'm saying "be aware of the consequences of your character's actions on the world, and if those consequences are that people get hurt or possibly die, be conscious of that so you don't accidentally condone what that character is doing."

Like, Evie is not a bad *character*, she's just a bad *person*. There's a difference, and if the narrative as a whole were structured in a way that made it clear that her behavior is damaging to other people and that her belief that humans shouldn't be afraid of vampires is totally unjustified, I would be totally, 100% on board with this story. As it is, I'm left with the persistent feeling that I'm not SUPPOSED to think Evie is a terrible person, and that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I have no problem watching vampires act like vampires if it's shown in the narrative to be a Bad Thing; it's when I feel like I'm expected to *agree with* characters who are clearly bad people that I stop enjoying the show and start getting angry. It's a narrative thing, not a character thing.





I should add, also, that I like vampire stories. Vampires are my favorite humanoid mythological creatures and always have been. I have no problem with vampire characters who attack and/or kill humans--I do have a problem with narratives that seem to present those vampire characters as good people. The blood drinking is not the problem. The way it's treated by the narrative is.





Evie is a girl with bitterness inside her. She was forced to be Turned and lost her life. The chapter is from her perspective. Her perspective is different to yours. That's fine. She's not supposed to be a character that's all worldly and understands everything. She simply thinks that because she cannot be accepted, she's going to stay hidden. Humans have a lot of hates for vampires, she is a vamp, so she is not fond of this. Simple.

And I agree, I think it's safe to be cautious but if you are going around expecting everyone you see or meet to potentially want to murder you, then that's no way to live.

Also, the vampires come out at night and cannot come into anyone's home unless they are invited in. Don't want to be randomly sucked on? Don't go out at night. Yes, it's annoying but it's an easy way to cover your arse.

As I said before, Evie's not a saint. I did not build her up to be like that. I like protagonists with flaws. I like giving people room to make their own opinion. Some people focus on the good. Some people focus on the bad. And yes, because this is a vampire novel, some of the flaws are 'I accidentally kill people' rather than, 'I'm not a good listener'.

This is a dystopian fiction novel. It's not supposed to be all happy days. The Equal Rights movement has stopped (most) vampires from killing, it hasn't stopped them from being vampires.

I don't think I can stress this is enough...THIS IS THE FIRST CHAPTER. How is Evie supposed to experience the real consequences of her actions and all that you said in the FIRST CHAPTER? I have written 39 chapters already and I can tell you that you cannot understand THE WHOLE STORY and ALL OF EVIE'S CHARACTER in this chapter. You like a murdering character that feels justified in everything she does yet you despise Evie for the same reason? She doesn't feel anything for the tramp and guilty about sucking on his neck BECAUSE SHE IS A VAMPIRE. So doesn't like the society she is living in BECAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE VAMPIRES. And plus, her blood has healing agents so in fact, he was probably left healthier than when she first approached him.

And I believe that people have a brain and can think for themselves. Just because a protagonist is going around killing people with absolutely no care in the world doesn't automatically make it right to do so. THIS IS A STORY. Two of my favourite novels are American Psycho and Filth. After reading them I didn't think, okay, if Patrick Bateman can kill people, so can I.

If you think Evie is a bad person, that's fine. I'm not agreeing or disagreeing. You are simply just one of the people that focus on the bad rather than the good. That's fine. As I said, I like a mix.

Now your saying if Evie's actions are unjustified, you'd like it? Yet before you said you like your protagonist because she feels like what she does is justified?

No, your not supposed to hate Evie. Dislike her, sure. Whatever. I don't care. There are more characters to be introduced.

And yes, vampires being vampires is a bad thing because it is in a world run by humans. So yes, killing people is bad. You're not *supposed* to agree with Evie. I'm not forcing you to do anything. This is just from her POV. Did I agree with everything Patrick Bateman and Bruce Robertson did? No. Did I enjoy reading the books? Hell yeah. Do I like the characters? Absolutely.

This is the first chapter. Please don't expect to know everything about my main character from this. Because you don't.

Again, Evie isn't supposed to be perfect. She thinks like a vampire. 'Oh, there's an unsuspecting victim, I'll just have a tasty snack'. If you are outraged by that, then clearly you do have an issue with vampires. Evie's just acting like a vampire. I don't want my vampires to be completely human and boring (like in Twilight) but I also don't want them to be complete monsters. They lie somewhere in between. If you can't get your head around that, I'm sorry.





...You know, I think we might actually be sort of on the same page, but talking past each other because we're using the same words to mean different things. I'll try to explain myself more coherently this time.

One thing first: You keep saying that this is "just" the first chapter. The first chapter is literally the most important chapter you will ever write. It's what sets up expectations for the rest of the book, and it's what has to convince the reader to keep going. I'm more forgiving of WIPs and unpublished material than I am of published fiction; if I were approaching this as a consumer, and not as a reviewer, and read this chapter in a bookstore? I'd leave it on the shelf because it's giving off such strong protagonist-centered-morality vibes. Whether it changes and gets much more complex in the middle of the book, I'm probably never going to find out because I'm not going to spend money on gambling that a book will surpass the expectations of its first chapter. So. First chapters are VERY IMPORTANT. They're your pitch, basically. If they don't pass the test, it doesn't matter how great the rest is because people will stop reading.

Anyway, back to Evie and the problem of protagonist centered morality.

I'm of the opinion that all characters--and all people, for that matter--no matter how reprehensible, no matter how awful their actions may be, every single one of them believes that they're justified in their actions. They may feel guilty for specific things, but the general thrust of their behavior and goals they must believe to be justified and correct. Otherwise, they become caricatures.

Or, put another way: Evil characters are the heroes of their own stories. Everyone believes that they're fundamentally right even if they may make some mistakes along the way.

So, Evie as a character should fully believe that she's justified in acting the way she does. As far as she's concerned, humans are angry, hateful little things who are only afraid of vampires because they're bigots, and meanwhile she, as a vampire in need of a snack, is totally entitled to a liter of some homeless dude's blood. Does this make her a bad person? Oh, yes. Does it make her a bad character? NOPE. Quite the opposite. It makes her a realistic one.

Likewise, the child-murdering megalomaniac is 100% convinced that everyone they hurt was either (a) an enemy who deserved to die because that's what you do to enemies or (b) vaguely unfortunate collateral damage. She's a liar, a cheat, a murderer, a kidnapper, and a brainwasher, and she feels totally justified in doing all of those things. Bad person? Absolutely. Bad character? Again, nope.

So what's the difference between Evie and her? In this particular instance, there isn't one. Both are monstrous. Both feel justified in acting the way they do. (And in both your story and mine, they're the POV character.)

The difference isn't a character thing. It's a text thing.

Protagonist centered morality is not a problem because readers can't tell the difference from right and wrong. It's a problem because, if protagonists act like terrible people and nothing in-story happens to bite them because of it, or there's no real consequences, it starts to seem like the universe itself is warping to cater to them. This is something you should avoid AT ALL COSTS, because it's super, super annoying. Are you that far along in this chapter? Nope. But it looks very much like the set up for a universe that looks that way, hence the vitriolic knee-jerk reaction I had to Evie being so down on humans for being afraid of inhuman monsters that prey on humans by nature.

My story is a start of darkness fanfic, for one thing, so the character doesn't start off evil. But once she starts getting there, even though the story is in her POV and she believes she's still totally justified, the text itself condemns her. There are characters around who react to her gradually worsening behavior with fear, disgust, or anger. She gets herself injured a couple of times.

When she hurts someone else--which happens pretty frequently after a certain point--I make a point of showing the destruction and its ripples. Since she's young and growing into being evil, I also have the opportunity to show her slowly burning out her conscience by experiencing smaller and smaller flickers of guilt and suppressing them, and by rationalizing her actions with increasingly feeble excuses.

More than once, she's officially reprimanded or otherwise punished for what she's done. And by the end, she commits what is essentially genocide and walks through the carnage. At this point, she hardly even cares, but I've made sure that the readers WILL, because by now they've gotten to know and care about the characters and the location that she's attempting to destroy pretty well, too.

That's what I mean by textual condemnation. Even filtered through the lens of an evil character who feels justified for what they're doing, the consequences should be on screen, not shuffled under a rug and forgotten. This is especially true in a first chapter, which is your reader's first glimpse of the story. Yes, it's harder to accomplish in a first chapter, but it CAN be done. In fact, I can think of at least three big places in this chapter where you could demonstrate a dissonance between what Evie believes and what is actually the case.





Take the conversation with Eric, for example. His argument could be made so much more stronger and personal instead of just vague wariness and suspicion and phrases that are very, very reminiscent of real-world bigoted rhetoric (seriously, I can't count the number of times I've heard people express sentiments exactly like "gay people are fine as long as they don't associate with normal straight people.") Make his arguments personal and detailed. Maybe he's really worried about Clarissa because her doctor says she's anemic and has her on iron pills, but she keeps going back to that damned vampire bar and coming back pale and out of it, and when he tries to point out that they're making her sick she just tells him not to be so small minded, and he's really afraid that she's being compelled because she seemed so ambivalent about vampires when they met.

You wouldn't have to change a single thing except Eric's dialogue. Do you see the difference? As it is now, Eric says some things that sound like your standard homophobic party line with "vampire" subbed in for "gay people," meanwhile Evie shifts around uncomfortably because humans are so prejudiced and mean to vampires.

But if Eric starts talking about how his beloved girlfriend is sick and getting sicker because she's going to vampire bars so frequently, and he's afraid she's being compelled to do it because it's such a sudden change from her old behavior? Then, Evie's shifting around uncomfortably because humans are so prejudiced and mean AND it's made clear that Evie's view of the world is seriously, seriously warped because she's totally disregarding everything about what Eric's saying except that he doesn't like vampires. She's twisting facts to make herself seem oppressed.

The first one is protagonist centered morality. The second one is a character flaw--and such a glaring one, introduced so soon in the first chapter, promises character development as a matter of course.

The other two places you could throw in glimpses of consequence and hints that Evie's wrong about some things? There's homeless guy. Let's say he did die that night. And, for funsies, let's say he was also not homeless--he was some guy out to have a good time who got drunk. Evie flips on the news, hoping to find some word about Caius, and catches the tail end of a short clip about a body that was found partially exsanguinated with no visible injuries (a clear sign of a vampire attack)--exactly where Evie drank the dude's blood the night before. She shrugs it off as coincidence, because she KNOWS she only drank a little bit of his blood. No more than two liters. It was probably more like one. People don't die from that. Some other rogue vampire must have come along after she did. Not her problem.

Quick, easy, simple. Your reader, who knows about conservation of detail, can see that Evie is totally rationalizing. They know that, as far as the universe of your world is concerned, Evie's decision to drink that guy's blood had real, severe consequences.

And the third one: More detail in the cry for help. As with Eric, give us details. Maybe Caius begs for mercy and the guy torturing him spits out that vampires don't deserve mercy after they killed his husband or something. Or maybe his kid. Or maybe Caius, panicking, tries to compel him to make him stop the torture, but it turns out the guy was compelled by vampires before and dedicated himself to finding a way to shield himself and others so that could never happen again. Not just vague demands that could be about anything. Just like with Eric, the more personalized and detailed people's reasons for not liking vampires are, the more obvious it is that you, the author, and by extension your universe, don't condone Evie's simplistic, vampire-centric view of the world. EVIE does not have to recognize those dissonances--in fact, she shouldn't, because the whole point of this is to paint her as flawed.

Basically, the problems I'm having with Evie stem from the fact that I'm not seeing this. I'm seeing Eric acting like a thinly-veiled metaphor for homophobes and the people who captured Caius getting no hint of depth beyond "let's torture and interrogate vampires." I'm seeing Evie do something that could plausibly lead to another person dying and then that person getting completely ignored for the rest of the chapter. I'm seeing nothing to indicate that there's going to be any sort of character development for Evie, because the text and the events in the narrative itself are structured in a way that seems to validate, rather than condemn, her behavior and beliefs.

[For the record, Twilight has this exact same problem, especially Eclipse and Breaking Dawn. The Cullens ostensibly refrain from eating humans for moral reasons, but they never lift a finger to help any humans other than Bella. In Eclipse, they let newborn vampires commit wholesale slaughter in Seattle for months. In Breaking Dawn, they invite a bunch of people-eating vampires to their home and tell them "you can hunt humans while you're staying with us, as long as you don't hunt them on our turf." In Midnight Sun, Edward casually toys with the idea of committing genocide against the Quileutes because Jacob technically broke the treaty. The hikers that Bella almost kills in BD are turned into a joke. In Eclipse, Jasper suggests that they kill people for the tiny extra edge it'll give them in the fight against the newborn army--and Bella thinks this is an awesome idea. And never, not once, are any of the Cullens portrayed by the text as anything but bastions of morality.]





It won't let me reply on here, I think because it's too long so I'll post on your page instead :P



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Thu Aug 14, 2014 3:50 am
ozzie281 wrote a review...



Wow that was very very exciting. At first I was worried that it would be yet another vampire story and I would grow bored very quick but that wasn't the case at all. The introduction to all the characters made it that much better. I must say I love and have never heard of the "cries for help". I love it and I love the use of foreshadowing there. All together I can't wait to read the next chapter.






Thank you so much for the review!

I'm glad you liked it! I know the vampire genre gets a bad reputation but I'm hoping this novel will be one that even vampire haters will enjoy :P

I can't take the credit for the 'cries for help' as I got the idea from a similar concept in Julie Kagawa's Blood of Eden books, but I'm happy it drew you in :)



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Wed Aug 13, 2014 9:28 pm
Sonder says...



This is such an interesting idea. Seriously! I love it. Alternate universes always hook me. Do keep me updated! I'll try to return for a review later. :)






Thank you so much! I'm glad you're still enjoying it ^_^



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Wed Aug 13, 2014 8:28 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey there. Loving this by the way.

', the youth didn’t start lining up until around ten' - this should be a new sentence here.

'It’s that compelling that creeps me out.' - this doesn't quite make sense. I'd just add 'feeling' between 'compelling' and 'that'.

'hick-upped' - This isn't how you spell that but I have absolutely no idea how you do. I think there's a 'ough' in it somewhere.

'He had left to go to the hospital and never came back.' - 'came' should be 'come'. It's a past participle clause thing that I can't explain in actual words.

'vampire sprinted' - I think there should be a hyphen between these two words.

'blood stains are were right bitch to clean' - this should be 'blood stains were[/b a right bitch [b]to clean'.

'worry about Caius has made her age significantly' - 'has' should be 'had'.

'an Indie Rock band' - these words shouldn't have capital letters at the starts, unless Indie Rock is the name of an indie rock band.

'I cringe and attempt claw at my wrist' - there should be a 'to' between 'attempt' and 'claw'.

In the paragraph after the last line of italics, the commas should all be full stops. It's called comma splice.

'kept expecting and ominous face' - 'and' should be 'an'.

'humans have finally had enough' - 'have' should be 'had'.

'way it always was, always has been' - 'has' should be 'had'.

'but they still manage to start a debate' - 'manage' should be 'managed'.


Wow. The tone of this is brilliant. You merge jeopardy with banality perfectly and write both very fluently. I care very much about both Evie and Caius, and Eric too. I think your plot is very interesting and it is good that you have begun to develop it so early.

I think you could put some setting in a little more. Where are they living? Is it a house or a flat? Big or small? It would just help add some context.

But I'm loving it and I would very much like to be notified when you post the next chapter.

Well done :)






Thank you so much!

Argh! I am useless at editing my own work! Thanks for pointing out my mistakes. Sorting them out now :P

'Compelling' is a sort of vampire gift which is going to be explained later on so that sentence does actually make sense even though it sounds a bit weird.

I'm glad you care about my characters ^_^ And yeah, I thought I'd just jump into the deep end with this novel to make it gripping from the start.

I'll try and add more description to the house as I edit through the novel. I've actually written up to chapter 39 already but I have to gain coins before I can upload again :P So I have a lot of time to re-read everything and make changes.

I'll let you know when the next chapter's up :D

Thanks again for the review!



ExOmelas says...


Wow that's really far. Hey, you could review something of mine if you want, to earn some coins. And you're welcome!




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