16+ Mature Content

The Progeny: Chapter's 17 & 18

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

Chapter 17

Evie strolled into the pub and plonked herself on a free bar stool. She shrugged off her bag and dropped it by her feet. After catching the barman’s eye, he crossed over to her.

“Vodka tonic, please.” She smiled weakly. He nodded and started fixing up her drink. A small T.V was fixed in the corner of the wall behind the bar. The sound wasn’t on but the subtitles were. The screen showed CCTV footage of two people robbing a bank. No, not just people. Vampires.

Two vampires, later found out to be Norman Welsh and Edward Finch, robbed Milward & Co. bank last night at 8.43pm. Milward & Co. is the only bank in this vicinity to be open at such a time and deals with vampires on a nightly basis. Welsh and Finch were able to easily take the money by compelling the new members of staff to do their bidding and hand over the money. It was the workers’ first night on the late shift and had not been correctly briefed about ways to handle such encounters. Police have no leads as to their whereabouts-

When Evie pulled her eyes away from the screen, her drink was already sat waiting in front of her. She heard a tsk from her side and glanced over to the man on the stool beside her, watching the T.V.

“Its men like that that give vampires their bad reputation,” he said, shaking his head.

“Are you a-” Evie started but her voice trailed off when his eyes left the screen above her head and landed on her.

“A vampire?” he finished. She nodded. “No. No I’m not. You?”

The way he asked if she was a vampire took Evie by surprise. It was as if he’d just asked her if she was a vegetarian. Like he didn’t care either way.

She shook her head. “No.”

He just smiled and looked down at his beer. He was a rather stocky man, maybe in his late thirties or early forties judging by the sprinkling of grey hairs in his beard and short brown curls. She stared at him for a moment, thinking of what to say. Finally, she plucked up her courage. “Do you…like vampires?”

He arched an eyebrow and turned to her. “Do I like vampires?” he laughed. “That’s a rather broad question. Let’s just say I don’t think all of them deserve to be treated the way they do. They have equal rights, after all.”

“Wow.” Evie’s eyebrows lifted.

He smiled and his deep brown eyes twinkled. “What?”

“It’s just…you don’t find many people who share that view.”

He squinted at her curiously for a moment, searching her eyes. “But you do.”

She gulped. “What?”

“You also believe that vampires don’t deserve the prejudice they face. In fact, you’ve been in close contact with one recently.” Evie’s heart froze. He continued, “Is it possible that that’s the reason you are drinking alone on a Sunday night?”

She looked down at her untouched vodka tonic and then back at the man. “How do you know all that?”

He laughed and reached out to her. She jerked back when his callous fingertip brushed her cheek. He smiled and looked down at his finger before lifting it for her to see. A red smudge painted it. “Vamp blood.”

Evie scrubbed her cheek where her skin still tingled at his touch. Caius’ tear. The blood must have come from him. She had walked all the way here with blood on her face?!

“H-how do you know that’s vampire blood?” she asked tentatively.

He wiped his finger on a napkin. “It dries a more vibrant red than human blood. Not many people notice.”

No. Not many people did notice. Even she hadn’t given it much thought and she used to be a vampire.

“Then how do you know?” she asked.

“I…” He cleared his throat and looked down at the bar. “…used to be very close to a vampire.”

“When you saw the blood on my face, why didn’t you assume the worst?” She paused for a moment, watching the man staring down absently at his half empty pint. She recognised the look in his eyes and figured he must have seen the same in hers. Heartbreak. “You and the vampire…you were together?”

His expression tightened but he nodded stiffly. “Yes.”

“What happened?”

He sighed and lifted his glass to his lips, staring at the back of the bar. “The world happened.”

Evie’s heart fell to her feet. She picked up her glass and took a sip. “Nothing good comes from a vampire and a human being involved with each other.”

The man laughed bitterly. “I learned that the hard way.” He placed his glass back on the bar and swivelled his body so he was facing her. Evie raised her eyebrows when he stuck his hand out to her. “I’m Joe.”

She smiled and took his hand. So warm. So…human. Her heart sank a little more. “I’m Evie.”

He smiled showing slightly yellowing teeth. “Nice to meet you, Evie. Say, what’s with the hat?”

She let go of his hand and touched her woolly bobble hat self-consciously. “Nothing. I just like it.”

He grinned. “Okay.”

A silence fell over them. The bar was pretty empty so there wasn’t much background noise to cover the awkwardness.

“Anyway, back to the vamp blood on your cheek,” said Joe, crossing his arms on the bar and hunching his big shoulders. He was wearing a brown, fleece-lined lumberjack jacket, worn out jeans and Timberland boots. “I’m guessing there’s a story there.”

Evie’s brow creased as a pain lanced through her heart. “Yeah, a story I don’t really feel like sharing.”

He laughed to himself. “Well, you are involved with a vampire, I know that much.”

“Was involved.” The words tasted sour.

Joe arched a dark eyebrow and shifted his gaze to her. “Bad break up then?”

She tried to mask her pain with a laugh. “You are very good at making people talk.”

He half grinned. “I’m sorry. But like you said, not many people share the same view as me. This is a very refreshing conversation.”

“Why? Because we’ve been through the same thing?”

He whistled through his teeth and took a swig of his beer. “I wouldn’t go that far. No one has been through what I’ve been through.”

Evie twisted herself so she was facing him. “No one has been through what I’ve been though. Trust me.”

Seeing the challenging look in the fiery red-head’s eyes, Joe placed his glass down and focused on her. “My story is worse,” he said with absolute certainty.

Evie arched an eyebrow. “I bet you’re wrong.”

He watched her for a moment, mirth dancing in his dark eyes. But then he shook his head with a laugh. “I would agree to the bet but I can’t. It would mean I’d have to share something I need to keep hidden.”

Evie let out a short sigh of relief. She had gotten way over her head then. There was no way she was going to divulge her story, either. Not with Nico’s men possibly on the lookout for her. She spun back around and held her glass to her lips.

“That’s probably for the best,” she said. He peered at her. She grinned into her glass. “Because you’d be out of pocket.”

Evie left the pub just past eleven, feeling a little better than she had when she had walked in. She had made a friend in this new human world that she was now a part of, no longer a fake. Maybe life without Caius might not be as daunting and lonely as she had first thought.

But when she slumped down on the mattress in the middle of her room in the Premier Inn she had booked for the night, she couldn’t help but feel there was something missing. Even though the Maker and progeny tether had been broken, she could still feel that invisible force yanking at her heart. Love. Whatever supernatural bond had held them together must have been amplified because of how she felt towards Caius. Because the connection compelled you to be loyal. It didn’t compel you to love. Caius did that all by himself. By protecting her. By being there for her when her whole life had been reshaped.

He was her rock.

Her guide.

Her mentor.

…and she had left him.

Tears burned the backs of her eyes and she collapsed on her back, pressing the heels of her palms into her eyes. What have I done?

Caius had been there for her through thick and thin, and she had been convinced she would do the same. But where was Caius now? Stuck in the house, too afraid to venture out of the door and possibly returning to his old savage ways by drinking from the vein.

Evie shook her head, trying to rid the guilt that was threatening to swallow her up. He could have hurt me. He could have killed me. And then he’d never forgive himself. I did the right thing. I did the right thing…

…then why did it feel so wrong?

She dressed into her scrunched up pyjamas that she had hastily shoved into her backpack and padded into the bathroom. The light stung her eyes and she squinted at her reflection in the mirror. Her temples were thumping after the unexpected outburst and as she wiped the clear tears from her cheeks, she was thankful she didn’t produce the blood kind anymore. They always made a mess.

She brushed her teeth and slipped under the simple white duvet. It was a single bed. She couldn’t bear being in a double alone, it would just remind her of the nights Caius had been dragged away from her and tortured to a state that he still hadn’t recovered from.

She cocooned herself in the duvet and buried her head in the pillow. Alone again. She had only just found Caius and she was sleeping alone again.

In the morning she woke and showered. She wrapped herself up in her coat and hat then left the Premier Inn to grab some breakfast. Evie had always been more than a little paranoid. Mostly because she had been terrified of people finding out that she was a fraud. So her eyes roamed everywhere, making sure that no one was watching her. But now she was human, she shouldn’t need to feel that way. Yet she did. Because Caius had been right. She still needed to hide. She’d never be able to stop hiding as long as Nico and his men were around. Most humans didn’t go out at night because of the vampires. They were safe in the daylight. Evie was never safe.

She thought about going back to Caius as she sipped at her soup in a local café. She could go back to sitting in the house all alone while her lover lay unconscious in bed. But that would be letting Nico win. He had already turned Caius into a bag of nerves. She wasn’t going to let herself crumble, too. She had left Caius for a reason. She had a life now, a human life, where she could have everything she wanted. The vampire groupies that hung around in vampire bars claimed that Turning would ‘open so many doors for them’, and that ‘immortality is the ultimate gift’. But they were wrong. Immortality didn’t just close doors, it locked and bolted them. It trapped you in a life of endless darkness.

And now here was Evie, sat in a café bathing in the sunlight, slurping down a deliciously warm bowl of tomato soup. So what if she was alone now? She had her whole life ahead of her. She might bump into the perfect man at any moment.

…Maybe that man at the pub? Joe. He seemed nice. A man of secrets but she couldn’t judge.

But the thought of trying to start something on a romantic level with him made her nauseous. Not because he wasn’t attractive or anything. But just because he wasn’t Caius. It didn’t feel right. Caius still had a firm grip on her heart and she feared that no matter how long she waited and no matter how perfect a new human man could be for her, she could never be happy because she would feel like she was being unfaithful.

He was her Maker, after all.

He’s not your Maker anymore. He’s nothing to you.

Oh, if only that was true.

Chapter 18

She was back in the pub again, nestled right in the corner. Her vibrant red hair was still tucked away under her brown woolly hat and her backpack perched on the chair beside her.

“What are the leaflets for?”

Evie jerked up at the voice so violently that the wooden chair slid a few inches across the floor, making a screeching noise that everyone in the pub turned around to check out. She blinked away her surprise and smiled awkwardly up at the broad man stood beside her.

Joe gestured to the array of different sized leaflets spread across the table with his pint before he scraped back the empty seat on her other side and plonked himself down.

Evie sighed and sank back in her chair, staring down at the leaflets dismally.

Joe picked up one and read the cover. “Thinking about joining a college night class?” He spun the leaflet round so it faced her. A picture of a bright paint pallet and blank canvas took up most of the A5 piece of paper. “You into art?”

She shrugged. “Not really. I once knew someone who was so passionate about it. It bugged me that I wasn’t. I thought maybe if I took a class, I might start liking it.”

Joe arched a dark eyebrow with a smirk. “You can’t just learn to be passionate about something. That’s not how it works. You either like it or you don’t. And I’m guessing you don’t.”

She frowned. “Maybe you’re right. It was just one option anyway. I was leaning more towards the cooking classes. I need to brush up on my skills. It’s…been a while.”

Joe nodded and gulped his pint before settling it back on the coaster. “Sounds good.”

Evie fiddled with the cookery leaflet in the silence that hung over them. All day she had wandered around the city trying to find something that excited her. And an art gallery, a museum and a wine tasting session later, she had found her way back to the pub.

Despite Joe being nothing more than a stranger, Evie found herself comfortable around him. So comfortable that she waited a few more minutes to bask in the peaceful silence they were sharing together before she finally spoke up. “Drinking alone again?”

He smiled. “Not anymore.”

Evie rolled her eyes good-naturedly. “What are you drinking to forget this time?”

“Ah, well, if I told you, I’d have to kill you.”

She shook her head with a laugh. “You can’t say stuff like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like all that cryptic stuff. It just makes me want to know even more.”

Joe got to his feet. “Well maybe this is all just a ploy to keep you around.” He winked then gestured to her empty glass. “Can I get you another?”

She smiled with a nod. “Sure. It’s not like I have anywhere to be.”

Joe’s eyes shifted to the backpack on the chair. “I noticed.”

As Joe went off ordering more drinks, Evie grabbed all of her leaflets and shoved them into the side pocket of her backpack in a huff. She had spent the whole day trying to figure what to do with her new life, but all she found herself wanting to do was run back to her old life and curl up beside Caius while he lay until the sun went down. Now the sun was down and they were both still alone. Well…not entirely alone. She had Joe. Which was…something.

Evie watched as every drinker in the pub turned to look at the door. With furrowed brows, she checked out what they were all staring at. A women with pin straight black hair down to her lower back sashayed up to the bar and flipped her hair over her shoulder. She was tall, imposingly so. Like a model. She grinned at the bartender and fluttered her swooping eyelashes.

“Double whisky please, darling.” Her voice was sensuously husky. If Evie still had her vampire hearing, she would have heard all the men in the pub gulp.

But the bartender didn’t seem to succumb to her charm like the other men, who sat practically with their tongues hanging out. The bartender narrowed his eyes and pushed his shirt sleeves up to his elbows. “You’re not welcome here, vampire,” he almost spat. “This isn’t one of your bars.”

“Oh really?” The woman cocked a pencilled eyebrow and sat back on a bar stool, taking in the snug, lounge-like pub. “I guess I hadn’t noticed the lack of leather-clad strippers and muffled screams of ecstasy but hey-” She winked at one of the punters who instantly turned the colour of Evie’s hair and shied away, “-one things the same. All eyes are on me. Like they’re all just waiting for me to sink my teeth into their necks.”
The bartender slammed his fist on the bar, making her dazzling green gaze lazily slide back to him. His teeth were gritted so hard that his jaw jutted out of his cheeks. “Get out of this bar right now. I have a gun loaded with wooden bullets under here and I am not afraid to use it.”

She licked the top row of her teeth and looked him up and down with a flirty twinkle in her eyes. “Yes you are. And I can assure you, you won’t be needing it. All I want is a double whisky. Has it ever occurred to you that vampires also just want to sit and drink and forget the world around them? And it’s pretty hard to do when you’ve got humans practically humping your legs, begging for you to taste them.”

The bartender glared at her a moment longer before stiffly turning around and fixing up her drink.

“Wowee, that was intense,” said Joe when he appeared by Evie’s side with a glass of vodka tonic.

“Why is she even drinking whisky?” wondered Evie as she took the glass, “vampires can’t stand anything but blood.” As if on cue, the lady vampire took a sip of her drink and screwed up her face with disgust.

“Probably trying to fit in,” said Joe, settling back into his chair.

Evie’s heart panged with sympathy. Been there, sister.

She sipped at her drink, very aware of Joe’s eyes on her.

“You look hot.”

She almost choked, coughing into her glass. “Excuse me?”

Joe chuckled at her indignant tone. “I mean you look warm. Your face is flushed. You might want to lose the hat. I hardly think you’re going to get caught in a blizzard in here.”

Evie’s eyes widened then she shook her head.

“What’s up with you? You get a bad dye job or something?”

She shook her head again and settled her glass on the table. “No, nothing like that.”

Joe watched curiously as she scoped their surroundings. “You hiding from the law?”

Her eyes shot back to him, fear flashing in them like a bolt of lightning before she willed herself to calm down. “That would be telling.”

He laughed. “Touché.”

But she was rather warm. The top of her head was on fire. She took one last scan of the pub before pulling off her hat. Her table was squashed in the corner of the oddly shaped room. She’d know if she was being watched.

Her long red waves tumbled down her chest as if rejoicing their freedom. Some of it stuck out from the static caused by her hat so she smoothed it down, feeling rather embarrassed by the way Joe was smiling at her.

“Is that your natural hair colour?” he asked.

“Yeah.” She shifted awkwardly in her chair.

Joe nodded. “It’s nice.”

“Thanks.”

He took a gulp of his beer then caution lit up his eyes. He wiped the foam from his mouth. “I am not hitting on you by the way. Just thought I’d make that clear. I know I put my foot in it earlier but seriously, I know that this-” He gestured between the two of them, “-would not fit. I mean, I must have –what- fifteen years on you?”

Evie forced back her ear to ear smile. “I’m a lot older than I look. You’d be surprised.”

He laughed. “Sadly I cannot say the same. I have not aged well.”

They drank their drinks together in a peaceful silence. As every other man in the pub was leering over the sexy vampire at the bar, Joe’s eyes were fixed on an empty space on the wall behind Evie’s head. He was clearly hung up over someone. Over a vampire. She so desperately wanted to talk to him about it. His secrets were like a giant elephant in the room. She was pretty sure he felt the same way about hers.

“So, did you get kicked out? Is that why you are trying to figure out what to do with your time?” asked Joe.

Evie winced at the question. “I didn’t get kicked out. I left.”

“Ah.” Joe nodded. “I see. Do you have anywhere to stay?”

“A Premier Inn a few streets away. It’s not much but it’ll do.” She slipped her phone from her pocket and checked the time. “Actually, I’d better get going.” It had just gone half past ten.

“You haven’t finished your drink.”

She grabbed her glass and downed the remaining contents. “Now I have,” she coughed out and got to her feet. Joe also downed the rest of his pint as Evie shrugged on her backpack.

“Let me walk you back.”

Evie laughed and grabbed her hat. “No, honestly, I’m fine.” She tucked her hair up into her hat and pushed her chair in. “But thanks for the offer.”

“Nonsense.” Joe shook his head and got to his feet. “Please, I insist. I know what happens to people who walk home alone at night.”

She arched an eyebrow. “Are you talking about vampires? I thought you said they’re being given a hard time.”

He shrugged. “They are but I also know that that doesn’t apply to all of them.”

She sighed. “Fine, come on then.”

He grinned and gestured her to lead the way.

“There’d better be a room available,” said Evie as she bunched up against the cold night air. Streetlights lit up sections of the pavements, leaving patches of grey darkness between them. Evie was quite thankful to not be alone.

“You didn’t book in advance?” asked Joe, keeping at her side.

“No. I thought I’d keep my options open. Even though I don’t even know what my options are.”

“Well, I would have offered you to stay at my place but I guessed that wouldn’t go down very well.”

Evie laughed. “We have already established that there is no way anything is going to happen between us but yeah, I would have declined the offer. I hardly know you. And I’d rather not be under the same roof as a man full of secrets.”

He smiled ahead. “Hey, I haven’t judged you for holding secrets from me.”

“I wasn’t judging. I’m just being cautious.”

“Very wise in a world like this.”

Evie gave him a sideways look that he didn’t catch. What was going on in this man’s head? One minute he was all for vampires having equal opportunities and the next it was as if he was damning the world for being the way it was. Clearly something in his past was still hanging heavy on his shoulders. But it seemed more than just an issue with a former vampire lover. Something else was going on. Something Evie couldn’t pry into.

They both rounded a corner and Evie looked up at the simple standalone brick building. “This is me.”

Joe’s eyes fell to the flower pots either side of the front door. “Quaint.”

Evie laughed. “Yeah, it was the cheeriest looking one I could find.” She spun around in front of the little iron gate and turned to face him. “Thank you for walking me back.”

“My pleasure.” He smiled and plunged his hand into his ripped jeans pocket. “Would you also decline if I asked for your number?”

Evie chewed her lip, thinking. “No, I think that would be fine.” She took out her phone and he did the same. She typed in his number as he read it out to her and she sent him a blank text so he had hers. Her heart dropped to the floor when she then studied her contacts. Eric and Joe, they were the only numbers she had. She hadn’t even gotten Caius’ before she had left.

It’s not as if he’s going anywhere anyway.

Her heart clenched. When did I get so bitter?

Joe said his goodbyes and disappeared down the street. Evie watched from the front step as his broad figure was swallowed up in the foggy darkness.

Luckily, there had been a spare room, the room adjacent to the one she had been in the previous night. She got dressed into her pyjamas and was glad to find a fold down ironing board and travel sized iron in the room. Sadly there was no washing machine, but after sniffing her clothes, she figured she could get another day out of them.

She brushed her teeth and sank down into the cold bed, holding her phone above her and flicking from Joe’s number to Eric’s. It had only been one day and she was bored out of her wits. She had no idea what she wanted to do with her life. Why had she picked up the art classes leaflet? Because that was what William had enjoyed. Not her. She didn’t even know what she enjoyed. In her old human life, she had been a seamstress. But that was just a job which she did to get money. Money she then didn’t need when she found William and fell in love.

Maybe she could try and get her old job back as a bouncer? If Keith would even hire her back. She could call Eric…tell him to put in a good word for her? But she wasn’t a vampire anymore. She was just a dainty human girl. She’d be a rubbish bouncer now. She had always relied on her vampire strength and compulsions. Now she was useless.

She switched off her phone with a heavy sigh and settled it on the bedside table before sinking under the covers.

Everything’s going to be fine.

Everything’s going to be fine.

Everything’s going to be fine…

Oh, who am I kidding?

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
megsug
Review
megsug wrote a review · Sat Aug 06, 2016 8:59 pm

The italics for all of the 18th chapter is kinda weird.

I'm glad we've changed pace a little though again, I think 17 and 18 can be combined. I feel sorry for Evie and Caius, but I'm intrigued by Joe, and I'm glad Evie is acting for herself rather than anyone else. That really was an unhealthy way to live.

I agree with Night and Biscuits. These two chapters a really thought heavy, and I think in the long run, it plays against you.These chapters are some of the slowest you've had recently, and coming off a slow jaunt, that's probably not the best choice.

That being said, you shouldn't cut all thought out because obviously she's going through a very turbulent time. What I would have liked more of is to see these chapters fleshed out. Let us see her taking those fliers and walk us through her reasoning then instead of remembering it later. That way at least we're living it in the moment which is more exciting and engaging than dialogue or thoughts.

I think Evie's moving a little fast though! She's just come off a decades long relationship. It's okay to take a little time to recover before considering if someone would be good for a significant other.

Onward!
Megs~

The italics aren't intentional. I think there might have been a part in italics as YWS was just like IT SHALL ALL BE IN ITALICS!

I'll have a look into fleshing out the chapters and squishing them together. Evie hasn't moved on from Caius, as you've seen in the next few chapters, she's still holding onto Caius. She's just trying to move on from her vampire life because she doesn't fit it anymore.

User avatar
ExOmelas
Comment

I once knew someone who was so passionate about it.

This is technically grammatically incorrect, but I can see why you would put it in. It doesn't quite work, unfortunately. I recommend putting some emphasis on one of the words, or maybe a 'like' or a 'just'. It would remind the reader that this was direct speech and sound more natural.

She had spent the whole day trying to figure what to do with new life

I think you should put 'a' or 'her' between 'with' and 'new'. 'with new life' sounds like she's topped up a glass of water or something.

It wasn’t as if he was going anywhere anyway.

This shouldn't be in italics because it's in the same tense as the third person narration. The next 'thought' is in the present tense so the italics works well to separate it from the third person, but this doesn't work for this sentence.

The thoughts at the end...they sort of work, but I think they would be more effective if the 'Everything's going to be fine.'s were repeated through the chapter, cos she does worry a lot throughout.

Anyway, my only other criticism is that I think the secrets were emphasised a little too much. Secrets are meant to be subtle, which didn't come across here.

PM me if anything needs clarified
Biscuits

Thanks for pointing those out, I've sorted them :)

The bit in the italics was supposed to be in italics but it was the tense that was wrong. Fixed it!

I wanted the secrets to be emphasised because it kinda gave Evie and Joe some common ground to work on and helped them bond.

Thanks for the review! :D

Chapter 19 is already up and I'll be uploading Chapter 20 tonight!

Ah, jeez. -runs around and reviews everywhere-

Haha, I've decided to wait for Chapter 20 so you're safe. I'm gonna save it for when the price goes back to 250 because I've not got much coins to spare :P

Oh, is it up again? Nate usually has a red-alert going when the green room starts to fill up :P

User avatar
Sonder
Review
Sonder wrote a review · Sun Feb 22, 2015 10:10 pm

Hey Ganga! Happy Review Day!

Chapter 17

So I think this chapter flowed pretty well. It felt refreshing to meet a new character who has some mystery and who's obviously going to play a decent part in the coming chapters. I like Joe and his views, and I'm interested to see where you're going to take this. The news report at the beginning of the chapter was also a nice addition, as it gave even more insight into the world you created. I find it intriguing how Joe feels that vampires are misunderstood even when some of them are doing those crimes. It helps the reader understand that he is a decent guy with some inside knowledge. I hope the pair start talking more about their pasts. I'm interested in who Joe's vampire partner was. :)
I was also entertained about their banter about who's past was worse. It spiked my interest and for a moment there I was almost hoping they would strike a bet. XD I hope Joe indulges us in some answers soon!

The end of this chapter was when it started getting choppy. I felt that Evie's thoughts were too spelled out and the end of the chapter really dragged for me. A lot of her thoughts are important, yes, and it's important to know that she feels lost and regrets having to do that to Caius, however, I feel that it could be better executed. This paragraph, for example, felt very choppy to me.

In the morning she woke and showered. She wrapped herself up in her coat and hat then left the Premier Inn to grab some breakfast. Evie had always been more than a little paranoid. Mostly because she had been terrified of people finding out that she was a fraud. So her eyes roamed everywhere, making sure that no one was watching her. But now she was human, she shouldn’t need to feel that way. Yet she did. Because Caius had been right. She still needed to hide. She’d never be able to stop hiding as long as Nico and his men were around. Most humans didn’t go out at night because of the vampires. They were safe in the daylight. Evie was never safe.


It's not badly written, it's just that the sentences are very short and don't connect smoothly. I would simply combine some, and it would be easier to follow. :)

Overall this chapter was good. I really enjoyed the interaction with Joe, and it made me curious as to where Evie would continue with her life. I would smooth out the end a bit and omit some of the filler, and you'd be perfect. :)

Chapter 18

I felt that this chapter flowed very well from beginning to near the end. The interaction with Joe was interesting again, and the vampire lady was intriguing. I was interested in how the bartender reacted to her, and then again when I found out that she didn't even like whiskey. I find it odd how she would go through so much trouble to make an entrance, be served, and then drink something she hates to supposedly "fit in". She obviously doesn't fit in, so I found that kind of sad.

I also liked how Evie was reluctant to take off her hat and reveal her hair. Red hair like that would be recognizable. I'm surprised she hasn't dyed it black or something to hide better, but then again, I would hate to get rid of such pretty hair.

The only problem I had with this chapter was choppy revisiting of thoughts. I felt that this paragraph was unneeded at the end and could have easily been inserted when the leaflets were first mentioned.

It had only been one day and she was bored out of her wits. She had no idea what she wanted to do with her life. Why had she picked up the art classes leaflet? Because that was what William had enjoyed. Not her. She didn’t even know what she enjoyed. In her old human life, she had been a seamstress. But that was just a job which she did to get money.


Other than that, the only other comment I have is that both chapters ended with Evie thinking, "Oh, blah blah blah." It seemed a little off to me to end them so similarly both times, but maybe I'm overthinking things. I personally felt that this chapter could have ended smoother, but for now I have no specifics to help you with.

Overall, I think these chapters went well. Character development went well, the introduction of Joe keeps me reading, and the conflict is clear. Good job!

Image

~Night

I'll have a look into those paragraphs you've pointed out.

I'm glad you like Joe, the new addition ^_^ He is pretty important.

Yeah, it was very sad what the vampire woman did but it was supposed to be. I wanted people to kind of pity her. She was there to show that all vamps are different, just like all humans are.

The way that both chapters start and end similarly was intentional. When Evie was with Caius, they were just going through the motions seeing as they were pretending to be human, and now she's on her own, she's doing the same thing but now pretending she's doing okay when she isn't.

The way she's thinking at the end of both chapter's might be a bit repetitive and 'blah blah blah' like, but when you're on your own...your thoughts are kind of like that XD Mine are anyway...

She doesn't really have that much going on in her head, just the conflict between wanting to move on and wanting to go back to what she knows.

Her life was pretty empty with Caius, and now she's left him...it's gotten even emptier.

Thanks for the review!

No problem! Makes sense. %uD83D%uDE01

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ExOmelas
Review

Hey, I'm just reviewing Chapter 17 just now. I will come back for Chapter 18.

Your first couple of lines are unusually formal and very abrupt. You should vary your sentence length there.

She jerked back when his callous fingertip brushed her cheek. He smiled and looked down at his finger before lifting it for her to see.

"callous" is an odd choice of adjective here. It sounds very forced and you are definitely telling rather than showing here. Basically, explain how his fingertip is showing he is callous, then take out the word "callous".

The bar was pretty empty so there wasn’t much background noise to cover the awkwardness.

Definitely take out the "and". I would like it better if the "so" was gone as well and you just took a new sentence but that is up to you.

Seeing the challenging look in the fiery red-head’s eyes, Joe placed his glass down and focused on her.

No, no, no. We cannot have thoughts from Joe's point of view. The entire story has been from Evie's limited third-person; omniscient perspective is completely out of place here.

~~~

I have the same criticism as always. You explain Evie's thoughts far too much. It's like your spoon-feeding me and as a result I drift off and miss important details. If you insinuate the meaning behind stuff more, I will become more intrigued and therefore more firmly on your hook.

Character development and setting were fine. Plot moved at a pretty good pace.

All in all, a not-bad chapter, but Evie's thoughts are too spelled-out and get a bit repetitive.

PM me if anything needs clarification.
Biscuits

Whoops, 'callous' was supposed to be 'calloused', my bad.

It's kind of hard to get the middle ground by not revealing too much but also not getting people confused.

I had the complete opposite problem with the first couple of chapters where either you or someone else was saying that I need explain things more.

There's always something else going on that is important but not taking centre stage, and the way to divert people's focus is by giving them something else to think about. That's what I'm doing with Evie's thoughts, using it to steer the readers in a certain direction.
But as I said before, I'll look into it and see if there is a better way of putting things :)

Thanks for the review!

No problem :) Remind me in about a week if I haven't reviewed chapter 18.



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