The Progeny : Chapter 21

by MissGangamash

Published March 28, 2015

12+

In The Progeny (Novel)

PART II – The New Maker

Chapter 21

“I think she’s waking up.”

“Yeah, I can see that. I’m right next to you. I don’t need the running commentary.”

Sorry, I just saw her eyes flickering. I’ll shut up then, shall I?”

“That would be best. Although I know that’s wishful thinking.”

“Do you really want her to wake up to all this negativity?”

“Shut up, Alex. And back up would you? You’re going to scare her.”

“Oh, I’m going to scare her am I? What are you trying to say? That I have a scary face?”

“Your face is fine. Just step back.”

“My face is better than fine but okay, whatever.”

The voices were so loud, like they were talking down a megaphone. The strange voices mixed with the impossibly loud gong of a grandfather clock and the incessant thumping of heavy rain, all swirled together into a mess of white noise that Evie couldn’t bear. She tried to shift onto her side in the emptiness of her closed eyes but her body wouldn’t budge from her lack of energy.A pain lanced through her jaw, making her groan deep in her throat. The sound was brittle and groggy. She tried to lift her hand to cup her face but she ached all over. Her muscles felt as heavy as rock. Flickering her eyes open, she winced at the harsh light.

“Turn the light off,” she heard a voice say. A female voice. One of the voices she was hearing as she was rousing from what felt like an eternity of sleep. The bright pink of her closed eyelids dulled to a deep scarlet and when she opened her eyes once more, her vision blurred then sharpened onto a woman knelt before her.

She was on the floor. Carpet. She was in a house. Not her house. This woman’s house? A table lamp behind the woman’s head lit the room a dull orange. Once tuned into her surroundings, she could hear properly again, like the volume had been lowered on everything yet she swore she could hear the humming of the electricity running through the walls.

The woman was beautiful, with soft pale skin, plush pink lips and a strong jaw. Her honey blonde hair was pin straight and fell forwards like two curtains.

“Hi.” The stranger smiled at her. Her eyes were a stormy mixture of blue and green yet when she smiled, they seemed to light up.

Evie opened her mouth to speak but her throat was dry so she ended up coughing. She cleared her throat and tried again. “H-hi.”

“Phew, she’s English. That could have been awkward.”

Evie’s eyes shot to the source of the second voice. A young man was leaning against the wall covered in sickly floral wallpaper that made Evie’s eyes hurt. He was handsome. No, beautiful. Even more strikingly beautiful than the woman before her. His skin was lily white his face was a masterpiece of sharp angles and hollows. His dirty blonde hair fell to just above his shoulders. One half flopped forwards, covering his left eye while the other half was tucked neatly behind his ear, revealing a black stud. He must have been around Evie’s human age judging by his youthful glow and clothing choice. He was wearing an open black leather jacket with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, a simple white t-shirt and acid wash jeans with two gaping holes at the knees. His boots were thick and heavy looking, the tongues pulled forwards like they were falling out.

He raised his light eyebrows with a smile and Evie quickly shook her head and looked back at the woman before her when she realised she had been staring.

“Who are-” Evie’s voice broke with a gasp and she jerked up when a memory flashed in her mind, burning her vision white for a fraction of a second. The strangers watched her expectantly like they were waiting for a kettle to boil. She started panting but something felt wrong. The air…it felt empty. She felt empty. Realisation hit her and she smacked her hand to her chest desperate to find her heart racing. But it wasn’t. It was cold and lifeless inside her. “Oh my God…” Her shoulders sagged as her vision started to stain red with ugly blood tears. “…I’m a vampire, aren’t I?”

“Ooh, this one’s clever!” said the man with a grin.

The woman before her went to touch her shoulder but Evie jerked back. The woman was wearing a smart, elegant white blouse with a burnt scarlet leather jacket over the top and black jeans. Evie studied her and her eyes widened when their gazes locked. Something surged though her, strong and unavoidable like a tidal wave. Suddenly, she had the urge to embrace her. Just before she gave in and allowed her arms to reach out to the welcomed stranger, Evie drew back with a start. This wasn’t the first time she’d had that feeling. She remembered when she had opened her eyes and had seen Caius gazing down at her in the graveyard. She felt safe and secure, even when she was surrounded by psychotic vampires.

“Y-you…” She pushed herself up so she was in a sitting position and her back smacked against something. It was the edge of a sofa. The woman just smiled and crossed her legs before her on the carpet. “You’re my Maker?”

The woman’s eyebrows rose, impressed.

“Wow.” The man pushed himself off the wall and squatted down to get a better look at Evie. “She really is clever.”

“Yes, I am your Maker,” said the woman with an air of…pride? “My name is Varsee. And that’s my brother, Alexander.” She waggled her dainty hand in the direction of the man but never took her eyes off Evie. “We found you dying at the side of the road. I sort of have this sixth sense when it comes to finding progenies. I know which ones are worth the risk.” She looked to her brother and sighed. “Something my brother sadly lacks.”

“Hey!” said Alexander in protest.

Varsee arched her perfectly shaped eyebrow. “Your last progeny was a prostitute.”
“Yeah, but she was really fun.” He beamed at Evie. “She could do this thing where she could put her leg right over her head and-”

Alex,” Varsee cut through tersely. “This is not the time or the place for your weird sex stories.”

Alexander huffed and straightened. “It never is, is it?”

Varsee ignored him and turned back to Evie with an encouraging smile. “So, do you remember what happened to you?”

Evie shuddered with a nod.

“Can you tell us?”

She chewed her lip and nodded. “I-I was attacked by vampires. They came out of nowhere. I think they must have smelled the blood bags I had. They spilled in my handbag.”

“What was a human doing with blood bags?” asked Alexander, looking down at her with his arms crossed over his thin chest.

She looked up at him warily. “I was with a vampire.”

Alexander arched his eyebrow.

“You were alone when we found you,” said Varsee, bringing Evie’s attention back to her.

“He left me. His Maker called him and so obviously, he couldn’t ignore her.”

Alexander let out a low whistle “Talk about bad timing.”

“What were you doing with a vampire anyway?” pressed Varsee, now looking a little suspicious.

“He was my Maker.”

A silence fell over them. Varsee and Alexander shared a look. “Your Maker? You were human when we found you,” said Alexander finally.

Evie nodded. “I know. I was Turned in 1934 then I got taken by this scientist man and was experimented on. He had loads of vampires down in his basement. One was my Maker.” The two vampires were looking at her as if she was crazy but Evie tried to ignore them and carried on.

“He was injecting us with this stuff that would apparently cure vampirism. Most didn’t work but then it worked on me. Only me. I Turned back human and was able to escape with my Maker but then his men found me. They wanted to take me back so they could experiment on me or something. My Maker killed them so now we are both on the run.”

The vampires stared at her wide-eyed for a moment as if lost for words. But then Alexander spoke up. “There’s a cure for vampirism?”

“Sort of,” Evie replied. “It only worked on me for some reason.”

“How have we not heard about this?” asked Varsee.

“He’s working with the government, I think. They’re funding his project. I’m guessing it’s all top secret.”

“I would have thought that the Vampire Court would have heard something and done something.”

“The Vampire Court?” asked Evie as a chill ran up her spine.

“Well, they have been slacking lately,” said Alexander.

“What do you mean?” Evie looked up at him.

“Those vampires that attacked you,” said Varsee, making Evie look back. “They must have been part of the Nest that has been bothering us for a good few months now.”

“A Nest? I thought there weren’t any more of those.”

Varsee shrugged. “Yeah, we thought so, too. The Vampire Court was apparently responsible for eradicating them. Obviously, we don’t know for sure. We don’t even know where the Vampire Court are, who they are, if they even exist. But there is no other explanation.”

They do exist, thought Evie numbly.

“Anyway, we figured they are slacking because this Nest doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. They are situated in a hollowed out barn about a mile away.” Varsee let out a bitter hiss. “How they think they can survive consuming their own blood is beyond me. As soon as they smell human blood, they become psychotic. It’s like voluntary Rage. They’ve even attacked us a few times, too. That’s why we’ve placed sheep carcasses outside the house, covers up our smell.”

“Plus, it’s all the range this year,” said Alexander, draping himself over the arms of a high back armchair in front of the gas fire.

Evie studied him. He completely clashed with the furniture. They both did. Alexander looked like a rock star and Varsee looked like someone who would turn her nose up at Sourz before heading off to a decadent bar to sip at a glass of champagne with her pinkie sticking up.Whereas the décor made Evie feel like she had gone back in time. China plates with cat patterns were hung all over the walls, covering up some but not enough of the gaudy pink flowers on the wallpaper. More plates and porcelain figures of different breeds of dogs filled a large glass fronted cabinet by her side and the armchair Alexander had flopped himself down on looked stiff and uncomfortable, fit for a pensioner with back problems. Even the sofa behind her didn’t look appealing as she studied it from her place on the floor.

“Where am I anyway?” she asked.

“Mrs Braverman’s house,” replied Alexander, watching his fiddling fingers on his lap.

Evie looked to Varsee, confused.

“She’s dead,” Varsee explained.

“I didn’t kill her,” added Alexander quickly.

Varsee threw him a look. “I never said you did.”

In the uncomfortable silence that followed, Evie gasped with realisation. “Caius. How will he find me?”

“Who’s Caius?” asked Varsee.

“My Maker.”

The blonde vampire’s chin lifted a little indignantly and her eyes held the sharp edge of cut jewels. “I’m your Maker.”

Suddenly feeling three inches tall, Evie mumbled, “My old Maker.”

“Well, you can wave bye-bye to him. Don’t even need him anymore anyway,” said Alexander, stretching his arms over his head, an act that made him look oddly feline. Evie’s heart sank at the notion of what he had said and slumped.

“But…I love him,” she said awkwardly.

Alexander’s head pricked up and he cocked an eyebrow at her. “You’re in love with your ex-Maker? Well, that’s…” He shuddered, “…interesting.”

Varsee’s stormy eyes were inspecting Evie’s face intently. “So, you were planning on running away together? A vampire and a human?”

“You don’t have to tell me how stupid it was. I wasn’t really thinking. It seemed like the only option.”

“But then he left you,” said Alexander.

Evie’s jaw clenched. “He didn’t have a choice. He said he’d come back for me.” She blinked and a warm blood tear ran down her cheek. She looked down and it dropped onto the pastel coloured paisley carpet. She swallowed the hard lump in her throat. “He promised.”

Alexander huffed out an overdramatic sigh. “Well, this has all become super depressing. Hey, Varsee, I bet you didn’t expect this when you Turned her, aye? You say you have a sixth sense about choosing good progenies and yet you chose one that already belongs to someone else. Face it, sis, Godfrey did not pass that talent down to you.”

“But she doesn’t belong to someone else,” Varsee hissed back, whipping her head round so her blonde hair swooped over her shoulder. “She belongs to me.”

Evie stayed silent, the tension in the room felt like a physical entity. But then her insides started feeling strange, like there was something inside her tugging at her organs. A growl ripped through her stomach and her fangs pressed hard against her sealed gums. Pain lanced through her entire skull making her hold her head in her hands and tuck her knees to her chest.

“You’re hungry,” observed Varsee, and she got to her feet. “You still haven’t transitioned fully. Hang on.”

Evie clenched her eyes shut but heard Varsee’s soft footfalls on the carpet as she left the room.

“Y’know, if you really don’t want to be with us, you could just not drink and then your mind will catch up to your body and you’ll just waste away like a human. No exploding.”

Evie peered at him through her fingers. He was staring at the cold gas fire, his soft blue eyes wide and vacant. “You don’t like me, do you?”

He sucked in a breath through his teeth, clearly for dramatic purposes. “I wouldn’t say that. It’s just, you sound difficult. Your background isn’t exactly simple. Although, you have already been a vampire so I guess that’s a plus.”

“I’m not going to just give up and die. I’ve been through too much to do that.”

“Plus, it’ll mean letting go of this Caius dude?” He glanced over his shoulder at her, his gaze lazy.

She gulped and shifted uncomfortably, feeling dread knot in her stomach. Dread or hunger, she wasn’t sure. What was she doing sat on the floor anyway when there was a free armchair available? She got up with a groan and inspected herself for the first time since she’d woken up. The bottom half of her jumper was in tatters, revealing most of her stomach, and the material was crisp with dried blood. Her exposed skin was clear of old blood along with her neck. She figured the two vampires must have cleaned her up a little yet she could still feel it matted into her hair. She crossed the room and sank down onto the armchair beside the one Alexander was lay across.

She had been right, it was stiff and uncomfortable. She might as well have stayed on the floor.

“Here you go.” Varsee swooped back into the room with a glass of blood. “We took the blood bags from your car. We were running low. I hope you don’t mind.”

Evie took the glass and inspected it with a frown. No more beans on toast for her. Back to the boring diet of a vampire. And she had been looking forward to learning how to bake cakes. And eating them. Eating lots of them

She closed her eyes and inhaled the intoxicatingly delicious sent then jumped back and almost spilled it all over herself when her fangs burst free with that oddly mechanical click. She flicked her eyes to the two vampires who were both watching her- Alexander with dull indifference and Varsee with the eager and excited look of a mother watching her daughter ride a bike for the first time. Evie smiled weakly and took a sip and groaned, her eyes rolling back.

Forget beans on toast.

Forget sticky chocolate pudding.

This was the stuff.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
megsug
Review
megsug wrote a review Review · Aug 6, 2016

These two characters you've just added are lovely. I think they're both great additions. Your characterization is flawless as far as I'm concerned.

I feel bad for Evie. I kinda think she'd mourn her human life a little more after this. All she does is claw at her chest for a second. I also think she'd have a bigger reaction to being someone else's Progeny. Her emotions are really not enough for this situation. Everything that's just happened is a big hit. What is she thinking about that? Is she even worried about Caius? Is she worried about what Caius is going to think when he finds her again, if he finds her again? What if Varsee isn't a nice woman?

We've actually quite a bit of infodump in here. Even worse, one of the infodumps is something we already know. Why are you wasting time summarizing the plot so far? There's no point. Then you have the information about The Nest and the Vampire Court that's all interesting but not necessary and slows down the pace.

I'm super interested in these new characters though, and I can't wait to see what they bring to the table. I've liked their interactions so far, and they're not like anyone else in the novel. This adds just one more complication into the many that already riddle your plot, and I'm eating it up!
Onward,
Megs~

Glad you like the two new characters :D Alexander's my fave <3

There's a lot going on in Evie's mind at the moment, it might not all come across in this chapter but she is quite messed up about being someone else's progeny. I'll have a look over this and see if I can add more in here though.

User avatar
Sonder
Review
Sonder wrote a review Review · Mar 29, 2015

Hey Ganga. Happy Review Day! Night here for a quick review.

I enjoyed this chapter, but some of the errors throughout it made it hard for me to focus. I really appreciated the concepts and the background in this piece, but there were huge amounts of run-on sentences and missing commas. I adored the characters introduced, and the overall story line was spot-on, but some of the description and figurative language threw me off.

From the very beginning, for example. I felt that the dialogue dump at the beginning could have been spread out among the description of Evie waking up. There were also many run-on's and lack of proper punctuation in the first paragraph. First I'll point out those errors:

The voices were so loud, like they were talking down a megaphone. The strange voices mixed with the impossibly loud gong of a grandfather clock and the incessant thumping of heavy rain, all swirled together into a mess of white noise that Evie couldn’t bear.<- This run-on is really hard to swallow. There is so much description jammed into one sentence that it lacks the effect you are going for. Cut it apart and get rid of some of it. I also think that "white noise" is the wrong term. White noise is sound that fades into the background, like a low hum. This noise is obviously hurting her, so I think you want a different word for that. She tried to shift onto her side in the emptiness of her closed eyes but her body wouldn’t budge from her lack of energy. This sentence is again a run-on. A simple comma could fix that, but I still feel that it's too much. I feel that you could get rid of the "emptiness of her closed eyes", because I found it confusing and it didn't add much for me, other than confusion. A pain lanced through her jaw, making her groan deep in her throat. The sound was brittle and groggy. She tried to lift her hand to cup her face but she ached all over. Her muscles felt as heavy as rock. Flickering her eyes open, she winced at the harsh light. These final sentences were choppy and seemed to go on for too long. As I said before, perhaps you could cut this paragraph apart with dialogue to make it have more flow and have a break from description.


So with these comments, I'd break the paragraph apart like this:

“I think she’s waking up.”
“Yeah, I can see that. I’m right next to you. I don’t need the running commentary.”
“Sorry, I just saw her eyes flickering. I’ll shut up then, shall I?”
“That would be best. Although I know that’s wishful thinking.”

Description about how loud the voices are, and the sound of rain and numbness and whatnot

“Do you really want her to wake up to all this negativity?”
“Shut up, Alex. And back up would you? You’re going to scare her.”
“Oh, I’m going to scare her am I? What are you trying to say? That I have a scary face?”

Description about Evie trying to wake up, the pain, the moaning.

“Your face is fine. Just step back.”
“My face is better than fine but okay, whatever.”

Evie opens her eyes.


Something like that. Obviously, that is a really rough outline, and you may want to alter the dialogue if you do that. I do think it would help break apart the paragraph and give the reader more action to hold onto while absorbing the details.

I also felt that the character descriptions went on for too long, but then again, I also appreciated them. They gave me a very clear idea of what Varsee and Alex look like (and they seem super fashionable :P). The only problem with them was that I can pick out two distinct paragraphs describing the two of them, and really it should be spread out throughout the chapters more.

She closed her eyes and inhaled the intoxicatingly delicious sent then jumped back and almost spilled it all over herself when her fangs burst free with that oddly mechanical click.
Another run on, and the word "sent" should be "scent". :P

This description right after it...
...Varsee with the eager and excited look of a mother watching her daughter ride a bike for the first time.

I felt that that was too long for the sentence it is a part of. It's a great metaphor, though, so I would make it a separate sentence.

A final thing I'll nitpick on. Evie seems really casual about spilling her knowledge about Nico and the experiment. I would have expected her to at least hesitate a bit, think a bit before saying anything. Just a suggestion, but she seemed really free about it with vamps she hardly knew.

Anyway, I hope this helped. Usually there aren't as many run-ons, but this chapter seemed to struggle with that a bit. I really loved the introduction of the new characters, and the conflict with the Nest, the Vampire Court, and finding Caius again. And...I absolutely adore Alex for some reason. You described him to seem really handsome (which is a plus) but his attitude also provides comical relief, which is nice for once.

Overall, I think this chapter was decent. I think it can be improved a lot, but I enjoyed the new concepts and new step in Evie's journey. :)

Keep writing and being amazing!

~Night

Happy review day!

I'll look over the chapter again as always and try to sort out what you've suggested. Some of the sentences you have picked up on were intentionally long to slow down pacing, and intentionally to speed it up.

Evie is casual about spilling the info about her past because Varsee is her Maker and she feels instantly connected to her. It didn't even cross her mind to hide anything because she is completely loyal to Varsee, just like she is/was with Caius. It's sort of like a servant/master type relationship. The more you read, the more you'll understand the Maker/progeny bond.

I'm glad you like the new additions, especially Alex:D He's just great, isn't he? Haha. He is the one who brings a bit of humour to the table which is needed, because this story can get pretty bleak and grim...

Thanks for the review!

Sonder replied · Mar 29, 2015

I understand the purpose of the long sentences, but it just bothered me when the grammar took away from the content. Does that make sense? I think it was all beautifully written, but I felt that it could have been executed in a grammatically correct way. If you have other questions, I would be happy to help. :)

That makes sense with her Maker. I thought that that was the case.

And I really love Alex. His description actually made me want to draw him. XD I'm excited to see more of him. ^-^

No problem!

Most of my characters are based physically on actors because I find it easier to picture them and describe them when I have something to work with. Alex, in my head, looks like Jamie Campbell Bower. He's such a unique looking guy and I absolutely adore his facial structure (probably why I described too much XD I can't help it! He's beautiful!)

If you wanna draw what you saw, feel free :D I'd love to see what you come up with if you do.

Sonder replied · Mar 29, 2015

Haha, the description does sound like him. XD If I do end up doing that, I'll let you know. :)

User avatar
Lightsong
Review
Lightsong wrote a review Review · Mar 29, 2015

Ooh, a vampire story. I'll review this one if you don't mind. ;) it's different from Twilight, thank goodness.

Evie woke up in the house of vampires, Versee and and her brother, Caius. She found out she was Turned by Versee, and was now a vampire.

There was a bunch of information here. The bad vampires called the Nest, the Vampire Court slacking, and all. They make me curious, and that's good because they are interesting for me to read more about them.

Well, I couldn't point out your mistakes or errors here. There should be some of them, but they're not significant enough for me to notice their existence. Good job on that.

I love the last part of the story:

"Forget beans on toast.

Forget sticky chocolate pudding.

This was the stuff."

With just three simple sentences in three simple lines, you captures Evie's liking on the blood. It's perfect as the ending part of this chapter.

Anyway, the story progresses nicely. I guess the next chapter will show Evie's new life as a vampire? I hope her adjusting to it won't interrupt the flow of the story's plot. :)

This is no Twilight!

I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter and I'm hoping it's enticed you enough to read on...or back if you haven't read the previous chapters.

Evie has to re-adjust to being a vampire now with a new Maker which could get a little complicated... ;)

Thanks for the review!

User avatar
Lightsong
Review
Lightsong wrote a review Review · Mar 29, 2015

Ooh, a vampire story. I'll review this one if you don't mind. ;) it's different from Twilight, thank goodness.

Evie woke up in the house of vampires, Versee and and her brother, Caius. She found out she was Turned by Versee, and was now a vampire.

There was a bunch of information here. The bad vampires called the Nest, the Vampire Court slacking, and all. They make me curious, and that's good because they are interesting for me to read more about them.

Well, I couldn't point out your mistakes or errors here. There should be some of them, but they're not significant enough for me to notice their existence. Good job on that.

I love the last part of the story:

"Forget beans on toast.

Forget sticky chocolate pudding.

This was the stuff."

With just three simple sentences in three simple lines, you captures Evie's liking on the blood. It's perfect as the ending part of this chapter.

Anyway, the story progresses nicely. I guess the next chapter will show Evie's new life as a vampire? I hope her adjusting to it won't interrupt the flow of the story's plot. :)

Sonder replied · Mar 29, 2015

This is Chapter 21 of a novel. I'd suggest reading the other chapters first. :P



Half goat, half fish, all goatfish.
— OSP Red