z

Young Writers Society


12+

Chapter 1: Gone

by Miraculor77


Ashe's POV

In five minutes all communication lines, including the Internet and excepting paid lines, will be shut down. All data will be wiped, both off the Internet and off all devices. Effective immediately, the countdown begins:

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I watch in horror as my screen pulses between red and black, the bolded typeface glaring at me. No, this can’t be happening. I have so much artwork on my blog, so much more saved on my computer. It's my source of joy, and I need it. All of my income comes from my blog; without it, I won't survive. Having it go like this…

I'm shocked.

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I sit there, in front of my laptop, paralyzed. I am numb. Knowing that my life’s work is about to be erased―I can’t bring myself to believe it. Tears well up in my eyes, but I blink them away. What would my mother have done, if it was her laptop?

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I have to do something, something besides feeling so helpless. Desperation lifts my shaking fingers and I press the keys gently, but with purpose, typing in the words:

Who are you?

Surprisingly, an answer comes on my screen.

Hello, Ashe.

I shiver and type back.

How do you know my name?

I know many things.

I am still scared, but my curiosity overcomes my fear. I type in the next words: Why are you doing this?

Because I can.

Where are you?

Above.

I freeze. Nobody lives above. Not since the Takedown.

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0

Abruptly, my screen darkens to a deep black. I suck in a breath as the harsh reality settles on my shoulders. I stare at the screen, willing it to turn on. It has been so long since this has happened, so long since my laptop had shut down. I’d kept it on, for its constant faint blue light and the sense of comfort that it brought. The device had been my companion, the only unchanging thing when the world above had fallen apart around me.

And now the screen is dark. Dark as the sky I’d only heard of. Dark as the endless tunnels around me. Dark as the treacherous world above me.

I make the decision on impulse. Without thinking of the consequences of what I am about to do, I pack a worn backpack with what few articles of clothing I have, some freeze-dried food, water, and my now dead laptop. I spin around and survey my underground studio, taking in the familiar view.

Somehow, I know I won’t be coming back for a very, very long time.

I need answers.

With that, I set off into the world above me.


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7 Reviews


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Sun Jul 05, 2020 7:28 pm
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calmyindanger wrote a review...



Hello, I'm calmly in danger.

the opening made me wonder what was happening and why but as I read I got it.

the following paragraphs made me question what would i have done, the cementing of the importance of that laptop worked really well. the slow world building as we learn what kind of room the main character is in made me feel, in a way, what they were going through. the seconds ticking down as they cut made me question if she was going to make it. then the cold reality hit me as it hit her. congrats- i'm hooked. i want to know more. what above? who is the person who wiped the computer. will answers come. what lead to the downfall of above? i wonder it and if i get to know more, i will be extremely happy.

the way of writing and the spacing did confuse me at first but i very quickly took a liking to it. the story itself answered itself the more i read and i liked that, but it still left me question. I liked that even more.

thank you for writing this.




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Sun Jul 05, 2020 5:17 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! Spotted this buried in All Literary in a scavenger hunt fore reviews. And I will try to review the whole thing. Well let's get going.

First Impression: Well that's a terrifying opening right there. Hits you right away. Definitely a great opening.

Anyway let's get to some nitpicks,

In five minutes all communication lines, including the Internet and excepting paid lines, will be shut down. All data will be wiped, both off the Internet and off all devices. Effective immediately, the countdown begins:


If I heard those lines....

I sit there, in front of my laptop, paralyzed. I am numb. Knowing that my life’s work is about to be erased―I can’t bring myself to believe it. Tears well up in my eyes, but I blink them away. What would my mother have done, if it was her laptop?


Good showing of the emotion there and I assume the lack of backup equipment like a portable hard disk is due to this post apocalyptic sounding setting.

Hello, Ashe.

I shiver and type back.

How do you know my name?

I know many things.

I am still scared, but my curiosity overcomes my fear. I type in the next words: Why are you doing this?

Because I can.

Where are you?

Above.

I freeze. Nobody lives above. Not since the Takedown.


Really nice worldbuilding there. This is the style that I love. No overload of information but just enough to get an idea of what's going on and let us know that this is a very mysterious situation.

Abruptly, my screen darkens to a deep black. I suck in a breath as the harsh reality settles on my shoulders. I stare at the screen, willing it to turn on. It has been so long since this has happened, so long since my laptop had shut down. I’d kept it on, for its constant faint blue light and the sense of comfort that it brought. The device had been my companion, the only unchanging thing when the world above had fallen apart around me.


Nice description there.

Somehow, I know I won’t be coming back for a very, very long time.

I need answers.

With that, I set off into the world above me.


Well that's a lovely start to the story.

And that's it for this one.

Overall: Couldn't find anything wrong grammar-wise. It was written really well. As an opening chapter it does it's job really well. The personality of our main character shows through well enough and the world is established well too.

Hope I didn't repeat anything because this chapter has had a lot of reviews. As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




Miraculor77 says...


Thank you! I was considering changing the opening for this story in the rewrite, but now I'm considering keeping it..? And sorry for the late reply; I literally just saw the notifs for your reviews.



KateHardy says...


Your Welcome!! Ahh that's okay. This is a pretty good opening honestly. You should probably keep it.



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Mon Jan 13, 2020 3:55 am
dahlia58 says...



I'm sorry I can't give decent reviews...But my main thought while reading this chapter was, "I feel you, Ashe. Really..." Somehow, Ashe's situation feels relatable (getting your portfolio erased). The horror...




Miraculor77 says...


I once had the entire database of my novel erased from the software that I use. Every chapter, note, reference, and idea I'd put down was gone. it's scarily relatable XD



dahlia58 says...


Ouch...Is this chapter based on that disaster?



Miraculor77 says...


I guess? You see, the disaster happened to the first 5-ish chapters of this novel. I started saving copies of my database on Google Drive. There was also the time when the first 4 chapters of another novel I'd started in 4th grade got deleted with the school google account when I moved. When I realized I went onto this website where I posted my work and screenshotted everything and saved it.

It's so important to have copies of your work, especially if you're working digitally.



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Thu Oct 17, 2019 3:07 pm
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WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hey, I just saw one of the latest chapters and I wanted to go back to the beginning and read the whole thing. This is a really cool story so far. The attention getter is awesome. You did a great job of keeping a sense of suspense and yet not leaving the reader in too much confusion. Some writers go too far keeping important details in the dark for too long, but you handled the job well.

I don't see anything wrong with this part except for one thing. When the narrator types the words, "Why are you doing this?" the words are not bold like they are in the other lines in the typed conversation between the narrator and the mysterious individual on the other end. Other than that, you've written well. Keep it up!




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Mon Sep 02, 2019 3:28 pm
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hello!! I saw the most recent chapter in the green room so I thought I’d come on over to the beginning and get all caught up :) and I’m on mobile so hopefully this goes okay!

Okay! Super intriguing way to start the story! I liked that we got right into the action and you didn’t spend time setting up the world or the whos what’s and why’s. I liked the little hints of world building at the end about something happening “above” and now she lives in a tunnel system underground. Super intriguing.

Logistical questions. If she’s underground, how does her computer work? How did her life’s work only exist on this blog and how is it not saved on her computer? Unless the attack is on her whole computer? But it sort of sounded like it was just deleting her blog?

I love that we don’t have any information about who is doing this and why and I love that you gave away so little! However I would like it to slow down a little there at the end so I understand her thought process better as she’s deciding to leave. This would be a good opportunity to show a little more of the world as she’s gathering these supplies. Where is she getting them from? Who else is around? Is anyone going to miss her? What does she know about the possible dangers of this journey she’s about to take? The decision at the end feels so impulsive and yet it’s a big decision! Has she ever left before? Does she know anyone who has left? Are there rules about leaving? Is all of this over her sadness for her laptop or does she want to figure out how someone is up there? You don’t have to answer every single one of those questions, but give me a little more insight :)

Overall though it’s an intriguing premise and I’m excited to see how it develops from here! I’ll keep on reading and in the meantime let me know if you have any questions or if you’d like feedback for something I didn’t mention! :D

Happy RevMo!




Miraculor77 says...


Many of those questions are answered as the story goes on, but I should probably put some more detail about how the computer worked. And yes, the attack was on the blog, but it affected her computer as well, causing it to shut down. She's an artist, not a tech person, so she doesn't know much about fixing issues on the computer. I guess I should make that clear in the story as it goes on.
Thanks for the review!



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Sun Aug 04, 2019 2:43 pm
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Horisun wrote a review...



Hi there! I hope you're having a good day, or night!
I love how you set the scene, and honestly, you hit home when you talked about the character fearing for her work. If someone reset my computer, and I lost say, my novel, I would cry for hours. You have me very curious for what's going to happen next, which is great!
The one thing I think I should point out, is I'm a little confused about when she typed into the computer, I thought it might be words on the screen, but I wasn't sure, it wasn't clarified.
Other than that, this was a really great start to a book! I can't wait to read the next chapter! Keep on doing what you love!




Miraculor77 says...


Thanks for the review! Honestly, I don't know if the words are on the screen, or if they are invisible. I guess it works both ways.



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Sun May 26, 2019 7:00 pm
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Lib wrote a review...



Hi Miraculor!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, obviously depending on what side of the world you're on. I'm here to give you a review on this fabulous chapter of yours. Alright, before I start, I want to say, this was quite a chapter! You started in a very interesting way. I really like it. And, may I say, you've got me hooked, Mir. (Nickname alert!) Well, let's see, I didn't see any grammar or punctuation mistakes, so you're all set. :smt023

But wait, I did catch one teensie-weensie little thing. If you look here:

I spin around and survey my underground studio, taking in he familiar view.


I'm pretty sure that the bold word is meant to be a the instead of he. :) Well, that's it my friend! It was a delight to read this lovely chapter of yours and it was an even greater delight to have the honor of reviewing it for you, my friend. Hope this helped.

Happy Review Day!

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500




Miraculor77 says...


Thanks for the review! I went back and fixed the little spelling mistake, so I hope it looks better now. :)



Lib says...


Your welcome! :D



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Wed Mar 27, 2019 12:53 am
Miraculor77 says...



Hey all, it's me, the writer of Code: Delete.

I switched everything to present tense because I will be writing like this for the rest of the book.
And:
I finally found time to edit the second chapter, and it's coming out soon!




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Wed Mar 06, 2019 3:13 am
Swetachowdhury0 says...



Wonderful story and wonderful work... You did really well dear... Hats off... Really liked it... Do tag me when you publish the next part..looking forward to it.




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Tue Mar 05, 2019 6:54 pm
Swetachowdhury0 says...



Wonderful story and wonderful work... You did really well dear... Hats off... Really liked it... Do tag me when you publish the next part..looking forward to it.




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Tue Mar 05, 2019 6:28 pm
Fantascifi66 wrote a review...



Hey Mira(if I can call you that)!
Fanta here for a review!!
Firstly, welcome to YWS!
And secondly...
I. LOVE. THIS.
This is one of the best stories I've read in a while, and the way you drew me into this... It feels like I can't LIVE without a continuation!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

"Somehow, I knew I wouldn’t be coming back for a very, very long time."

This line in particular literally makes me squeal in excitement!!! Continue writing please!!!
Your friend,

Fanta




Miraculor77 says...


Thanks!!!
I'm currently working on the next chapter, and it's gonna be... different.
It's really gratifying to have so much support, so thank you again.
I'll try to release the next chapter as soon as possible.
- Mira



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Tue Mar 05, 2019 4:45 pm
Honora wrote a review...



Hey there! Welcome to YWS!
I really liked this as a first chapter; it really got me hooked because I would KILL whoever did it if I was in his/her position. There were a few mistakes but they were mostly just spelling and I suck at grammar. I like the topic you chose because it is an eye opener as to how dependant we really are on technology. Anyway, I'm pressed for time right now so I can't say much more. I'll be back for more! :D
Happy writing from your friend,
Honora




Miraculor77 says...


I edited it, but there still may be a few mistakes.
Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it.



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Tue Mar 05, 2019 1:12 am
LadyBug says...



I enjoyed this and I would HATE if that happened to me. I think the story really flowed (other than a few choppy sentences I saw) and I don't know much of the story. What does "above" mean?

But I do like the amount of detail you put in this, I can tell you've spent a long time on it and I can't wait to see what else you write in the future. Maybe if you do a bit of editing you could send it into a magazine to be published? Just a thought.

-JadeLotus




Miraculor77 says...


I know I have to edit, reading through it now just proved that. ^^

Ashe lives underground, so "above" would be everything above her, aka the surface. Hope this helps!



LadyBug says...


Thank you for clearing that up! I really did enjoy it.



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Tue Mar 05, 2019 1:11 am
LadyBug wrote a review...



I enjoyed this and I would HATE if that happened to me. I think the story really flowed (other than a few choppy sentences I saw) and I don't know much of the story. What does "above" mean?

But I do like the amount of detail you put in this, I can tell you've spent a long time on it and I can't wait to see what else you write in the future. Maybe if you do a bit of editing you could send it into a magazine to be published? Just a thought.

-JadeLotus




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Tue Mar 05, 2019 12:17 am
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hi and welcome to YWS! My name's MJTucker, but you can call me MJ, Tuck, Tucker, Tuckster, Supreme Overlord, or really anything! If there's anything I can do to help get you accustomed to YWS, just let me or anyone with a green name know, and we'll do everything we can to make your time here as enjoyable as possible! Let's jump into this review.

The thing I find hardest to believe is the transition into questioning. If this were to happen to me (I also have a lot of important files stored on the Internet), I would definitely freak out and have that same "this-can't-be-happening" reaction, but I can't see myself typing in "Who are you" for no apparent reason. That assumes that there is a singular person behind what can only be called an "attack", and that this person might have an interest in responding to it, not to mention that this person is monitoring the screens of every single person worldwide. It just seems like there are so many holes in this that it doesn't seem logical and somewhat disrupts the world.

Another problem that I think you need to address is the lack of explanation. As a beginning reader, I have no idea what you mean by "above". Do you mean the ground? Space? The sky? Some other planet? Some alternate dimension? That's never clearly explained, and that makes the action hard to track, and it's hard to relate to and "root for" the main character when I don't know what the main character is doing.

Other than that, I really enjoyed this chapter! I chose not to take the time to "nitpick", or point out small grammatical/spelling mistakes because you're a competent enough writer to find those upon editing this piece, and instead focused on some more central themes like plot holes and description. I do really think this piece has potential, and you did a great job drawing me in! This was creatively executed, original, and intriguing, and I look forward to reading more! As always, if you have any questions, just contact me and I'll do my best to sort it out! Great job on this, and no matter what, keep writing.

~MJTucker




Miraculor77 says...


Yeah, I know that there are spelling and grammar mistakes. I just wanted to get this out as far as possible.
Also, it is pointed out at some point at the end of the chapter that Ashe lives in tunnels, and that she has never seen the sky. Also, more of the backstory is in the second chapter, which I am currently drafting and reviewing to get more points towards publishing it here.
"I don't know what the main character is doing" You're right, I should probably make it more clear.
Thanks for the critique, and have a nice day (or night, depending on where you are)!



Miraculor77 says...


I went back and changed some things, so I hope it's a bit better now.



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Mon Mar 04, 2019 11:17 pm
Anma wrote a review...



Good job, its very nicely typed, I love what you are writing about. I feel its very mature and is based on how much peoples life is used on technology. Its an interesting topic to chose for it. You do have a few spelling errors though so make sure to fix that. But either than that i think it is a very good start. I feel it will become a awesome novel people will love to read.
Keep up the good work!!!




Miraculor77 says...


Thank you! I will go over it again and fix the spelling errors. Your support really means a lot to me.



Anma says...


Hey, no problem I'm glad to help, support, you know what i mean. Lol




Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it.
— Madeleine L'Engle, Author