Kyre's POV
I push my hair out of my face, watching my screen in triumph. It was finally happening. I had hacked into every device on the planet and would soon have access to everything people had stored in it, including the people that live underground. They are the artists―writers, painters, poets, graphite artists, playwrights, and others. Most of their files are just art and words. They just don’t realize that this world no longer had any use for them.
Up here, we’ve formed an impressive community of hackers, programmers, mathematicians, and the like. Well, technically a community. Here, you’re either the owner or the owned.
Take me, for instance.
I have a boss. Someone who patrols nearly every move I make, watches over me, gives me tattered secondhand clothes to wear, and tells me on a regular basis what an ungrateful wretch I am and that I should be thankful for her “help” that I never asked for.
“Kyre!” she screeches now. “Put that piece of junk you call a computer away and come do the dishes! Don’t you dare forget that I’m the one who took your useless a** in and brought you up! You better―”
“Better appreciate your kindness. I know, Boss, you’ve told me,” I say, feeling a twinge of irritation at her rudeness. I don’t even know her name, even though I’ve lived in her mansion for nearly my whole life, and yet I am expected to wither away like a slave.
She mutters something about lazy teens and gestures at the kitchen, and when I pick up a grimy plate, she stands at the doorway, her beady eyes narrowed in suspicion. It’s as though she thinks I might crack the window open from in front of me and escape. I don’t, of course. The government-imposed penalty for showing an unwillingness to do anything the master says is life imprisonment, and only because the government is regularly funded―I mean, bribed―by people like Boss.
Boss soon leaves me to do her work, going to presumably check up on my laptop history that she downloads onto her ancient desktop on a daily basis. I smile slightly. I’d created a program to feed her desktop false information to hide what I really do: hacking.
I am the best hacker in the whole of the Above, and the government knows it. There’s a reward of two million lunae on my head, and computer geniuses hired by the government are working to find me. Every day. I work anonymously though, regularly changing my laptop’s IP address and switching user accounts. None of the information the Internet has about me is correct. I made sure of that. My contract with Boss is set to end in a few months when I turn seventeen, but if she ever finds out about me, she’d hand me over to the government in a heartbeat. Just for the money.
Still, a hacker has to hack. And I had just started pulling the greatest heist in computer history. I needed to get back to my computer.
I quickly finish the dishes and leave for my room. A threadbare rug is in the center of the floor, and there is a ratty blanket bunched up in the corner where I sleep. The concrete floor is cold beneath my bare feet. I may have unknowingly signed the contract giving up my freedom when I was five, but that didn’t mean I got good living conditions.
I move to the cracked window where my laptop lies on a small stool. Sitting cross-legged on the floor, I open the laptop’s lid and quickly logged in. I opened the program I’d created, the one that was performing the greatest security breach in history.
A list looks back at me, containing information from everyone on the planet. It’s pretty basic, with the device name, IP address, and the owner’s official picture that they had registered. I scroll down the list, pausing when a face catches my eye. She has warm tan skin and wavy dark brown hair that has a streak of bright red on the side bangs. Her wide golden-brown eyes look back, frozen in time with the picture. She’s pretty.
I glance at her device: a Firestar 400. The name seems familiar, but I am sure I've never heard it before. Curiosity piqued, I click on the face to get more information:
Name: Ashe Dawn
Age: 16
Occupation: Artist
I stop reading right there. Art. Though it looks nice, it still is a blight on developed society. I mean, it has no use and it takes up space both virtually and physically. What's the point?
Just then, my screen darkens. Glowing white words glare up at me. I stare, confused, though the question that is written is simple:
Who are you?
No one's ever done something like this to my laptop before. I try to force a shutdown, and when that doesn't work, I frantically move the cursor, trying to make it work. Could this be a virus?
At the bottom left corner of the screen, Ashe's face pulses in and out of view, before disappearing altogether. I realize what is going on: the desperat-connection.
I'd read about it once from an expensive ebook I'd stolen from its online store. Apparently, it's a connection formed when someone feels an extreme emotion. It messes with the radio waves their device is constantly throwing out and connects their device to the device owned by the person they need to reach. I know, I know. It's a little confusing. I had to read that section aloud at least four times before I got it. Boss gave me a look that said, quite plainly, that I am crazy.
The book went on to say that this was a myth and would not happen in real life, but here we are.
Hello, Ashe.
Her reply comes quickly.
How do you know my name? Her words feel almost accusing.
I decide to play it safe and go for a vague answer. I know many things.
It takes her some time to answer, and for a moment I think she left her computer. Then the next question appears on my screen.
Why are you doing this?
Because I can. It's true.
Where are you? She's not hesitating now, and the question appears quickly.
Again I am honest. I also want to―for no reason at all―rattle her a bit. Above.
Ashe never replies, and my computer goes back to normal. The screen brightens and goes back to showing me the list. The connection must have broken. I watch the list, counting off the seconds in my head.
Five seconds later, a new piece of information appears under everyone's profile picture―how many files they have stored on their device, on the cloud, and on the Internet. I smile to myself. I've done it.
Now I just need to know how to pull off the first message I'd sent, the one about the Internet shutting down. I'd bluffed, but now I needed to make it a reality―or at least make people think it's true.
My fingers dance across the keys as I pull the program from my mind and into the device before me.
Even if I couldn't do this, I could sure as h*ll try.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Chapter 3: ClimbPoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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139,824 Literary Works • 672,772 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
And continuing on.
First Impression: Well that was a lot to take in there. Also right I just realized Ashe was a girl. The name somehow reminded me of a boy more than a girl.
Anyway let's get to it,
Well that's very ambitious. Also did you actually mean graphite artists or was it graphic artists?
Well this worldbuilding is done really well here. Tells us what we need to know without sounding too much like we're having an info dump.
Great tactic and all except for one problem. An IP address is related to your location or internet service provider. So mentioning laptop there seems a little off. You should probably leave it just as the IP address.
So there's no supervision whatsoever? Also how did this guy learn to be such a good hacker. So far this stuff sounds illegal so I guess it's not something you learn in school.
Well that's a nice way to describe on of our main characters.
If he has never experienced this before how does he realize that so quickly?
Well that's a great conversation. I like how we learn that this supposed dangerous entity is just a teenager bluffing and making himself sound mysterious.
I don't think shutting down the internet can be done through a program there. You'd have to attack the servers and do it physically.
You sure can try.
And that's it for this one.
Overall: Nice chapter 2. Develops the personality a bit better than the previous one did and we get more info about the world. Once again much wrong with it. Some nice Latin scattered around I see.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Yeah, I was 13 and clueless when I wrote this and it shows. ^^' And it does dump a ton of info, so I'll have to work on fixing that. And yes, I'm fairly sure the Internet cannot be shut off. Individual devices, with the right information, can be attacked but not the whole Internet, and not with a program. Thank you so much for the review.
Your Welcome!!
Hello again!! Still on mobile
I love a good dual POV story! The key to doing it well is what you’ve done here, making sure the two POVs sound different from one another and that the two characters have two distinct personalities and that they each bring something unique to the plot.
I also love me a love story so I hope this turns into that :p
Okay! All of the info about him is super interesting, BUT pretty much this whole chapter was telling instead of showing. Your first chapter was the opposite, lots of showing and very little telling. There is a time and a place for telling, but when a whole chapter descends into telling it feels like an infodump. Save all of this information for yourself because it’s great that you know all of this about him, but you have to weave it in and show it to us (maybe not all in this chapter).
I want to see where this guy is and what this house looks like and where he’s set up in the house. I want to see the boss berating him and how he sneaks away to finish the job. All of the other info and backstory can go for now. I’d even consider waiting to reveal that the government is looking for him. Maybe in a few chapters we could see evidence of that (like a wanted poster or a news story or something).
I’d also maybe like a little more about his motives. He’s doing this because he can, but why? What’s in it for him? Just to test his own smarts or does he want to get something?
Overall I’m still very much intrigued and I’ll head on over to the next chapter! Let me know if you have any questions or if you’d like feedback about someone I didn’t mention!
You have a very good point. There are whole paragraphs in the chapter that are just telling. I'll keep most of the info, but try to show it rather than outright say it.
Thanks for the review!
This was a really great chapter! Now I understand more, which is great! Everything that was great about the last chapter is great in this one! I can't wait to read more!
I saw that "Put that piece of junk you call a computer and come and come do the dishes!" There should probably be an away after computer.
Other than that, looks great! I can't wait to read the next chapter, keep writing!
OML you're right! I went back and fixed it, so it should look better now.
Hey again, Mir!
Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review, once again! Let's get right into it.
Now, I see that you're making this lovely fantastic story into a point of view type 'o one. I love it! I'm really loving how your playing around with this story of yours. Just one thing I'd like to point out. If you look here:
I'm pretty sure you meant to write desperate-connection, instead. Or maybe I'm wrong. It's just that you spelt it in a different way. I'm not sure. But that's it. Hopefully this review helped. You've captured my attention greatly, my friend.
Happy Review Day!
Keep on writing!
~Liberty500
No, it's supposed to be "desperat." It comes from the Latin word for "to despair, give up hope." That's why it's italicized.
The reason I have bits and pieces of Latin in this story is that I have a mandatory Latin class at school, so using Latin comes naturally.
Thanks for the review!
Oh! That is so cool! That makes sense. Alright, your welcome.
Sorry this took a while. Long story short, I’m on a small phone on vacation so I’m just going to give some overall thoughts....
You keep a good tempo of suspense the whole time and I applaud you for that. I liked the ending, it made me sad it was finished. Your sentences could be a bit longer and more detailed but that about it.
I love it! I hope you keep writing
Professor Jade
Thanks for the review! I kept the sentences short on purpose; I wanted to keep the chapter succinct and keep the suspense. ^^
Hey Mira!! Sorry it took me so long to review. It's been a bit crazy at my place for the last while.
I will definitely be coming back to read more!
Anyway, I'll start by saying that this is just as good as the first. It has really taken my attention because it's not something you see every day.
I only have a few complaints. The first is that you make it a bit hard to tell if your characters are guys or girls. I'm sure it will become clear later but I would like to know right away so that I can get a good picture of them in my head. I want to be able to imagine them. Another hing is that some of your sentences are really drawn out. I have the same problem so I know it's a pain to change that habit but it pays out in the end. Last but definitely not least, is I would like more description. You do so well in portraying your characters feelings and emotions but I don't know what the world looks like. Work on that a little bit.
Other than that you did a fantastic job!
Your friend,
Honora
Hey!!
Thanks for the review. Sorry for replying so late... I know that I commented here, dunno where that went.
You were confused about the characters, right? Ashe is a girl and Kyre is a guy.
I'm reading through this right now, and I see what you mean about the setting details. I'll go back and patch up the story.
Should I tag you for the next part?
Sure! I%u2019d love it is you tagged me!!
Hi Mira (can I call you Mira?)! I'm hiraeth, here for a review. (I haven't actually read the other part, just popping in for some time!)
So i'll just start with some tiny, tiny nitpicks that i came upon as i read:
Should there have been an 'always' there? You're saying to put the computer somewhere, but I can't figure out where. I'm just labeling this as one of the errors that just seem determined to escape our rigorous proofreads
As i begin the chapter, i see it takes a Cinderella-harry potter kind of turn: Like, he was taken in by an evil person (i can almost tell there was an ulterior motive), and he's been working his a** off ever since he was there. Just saying, it felt kind of cliche to me. And i've got nothing against a good old cliche (after all, it is true that history repeats itself) but on a more serious argument, i think most of the readers will be eager to read something new and original.
Again, just another opinion: Try splitting that sentence in two lines, separating your two actions. For example, something like: "She mutters something about lazy teens and gestures to the hallway. As I pick up a grimy plate, she stands at the door way, her beady eyes narrowed in suspicion."
I would've really like if this was the other way around : bribed - I mean, funded - Like the speaker really thinks that bribing is what they do, but they're not allowed to think that so they check themselves. I think it would've made it more fun and given us some hints about our protagonist's personality. I get what you wanted to say - I really do - but as a reader, i just think it feels better.
Again, this isn't wrong, just better if you start with 'Presumably going to check my laptop history....'
There are couple more tiny nitpicks like that, but let's not get into all of my high expectations
Here's the fun part: Praise.
All the things i said before really were small things, don't take them to heart. The fact is, you got me interested in the story, and I want to read more. I'm gonna go back and read your first part (!) because yeah, I want more of this. I like dystopian, i love sci-fi, i love a good nerd. Your writing's awesome; grammar perfect, idea's great too. I'm gonna be waiting for the next part!
Keep writing (i know you will, but i need to write that obligatory ending everytime cuz i vowed to myself that i would gahhhhh)
oh, and tag me in the next entry!
Thanks for the critiques. I'll go back and fix the chapter.
I'll also tag you.
Thanks for reading!
Hello Miraculor
This is really great!
I love how you explained more about the place they lived in more. I mean the first chapter was good but I feel you could do much better now that I have read this.
I love how you used both of there views as well, it makes it much more interesting.
The spacing is good, and the way you typed it up is good to.
The only thing I suggest though is going back to the first chapter and changeling it up a bit to make it a little more like this one
Oh
Also there is a few grammar and punctuation errors that need to be fixed.
Either than that its good.
Good job! Keep up the good work!
Happy review day!
Sincerely Anma
Thanks for the review!
Also, what is "review day?"
Lol, its a day were we see how many reviews we can get, We have a certain time to meet a goal. We also had a competition between spring, atum folks, You might have missed it sadly but just to let you know.. Spring won, and we went over our goal.
No problem @Miraculor77!
(for any new readers)
Link to Chapter 1:
Chapter 1: Gone
To people who showed interest in reading:
Tags: @Swetachowdhury0 @Fantascifi66 @Honora @JadeLotus @Tuckster @Anma
After a 3 week hiatus, Chapter 2 finally came out!
Also, sorry it took so long. I made the chapter a bit longer to help with some important details, and also to make up for the extremely delayed release.
Please review it, so I know if there are any plot holes, grammar/spelling errors and such.
Thanks,
- Mira
Sweet! I won%u2019t be able to get to it right away but it will definitely be on the list to review!
Yay!!!! Can't wait to read this!