Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
And One third done I think. Almost.
First Impression: Well that was an interesting detour right there. I think you should just say narrator instead of No POV but that's just personal preference.
Anyway let's dissect this one.
A small, tinted window lets in a painfully small amount of light, which shines weakly in a small, gray square on the hard concrete floor. There's a table there; a cold metallic thing, and a small figure is curled on it. She tightly clings to a raggedy blanket, a scrap of cloth barely big enough to cover her rail-thin form.
Nice description there to start things off.
They ignore her. One--a middle-aged woman with graying brown hair pulled up in a tight low bun-- reaches out and grabs the girl's gaunt wrist, injecting something into her bloodstream. Almost unwillingly, the girl relaxes, her face an outward picture of calm. Her pale gray eyes, however, are widened in fear.
Well that's not very nice of her.
Another one of the doctors, this time a young man, barely twenty, pulls on latex gloves. With one hand he pulls back her inky black hair, and with the other, he takes a needle, its thin point so sharp the girl barely feels it as he inserts it into a spot just behind her ear. Job done, he lets her hair fall back into place on the table and steps back, his hands shaking.
Okay if your going to continue to call them doctors and this is a narrator of sorts in that earlier passage it would probably be better to straightaway refer to them as doctors rather than "they appeared to be doctors."
The other doctors huddle in a group around the table, whispering among themselves, noting her pulse, her heart rate, the way her eyelids flutter over her blind eyes. Her breathing turns irregular, and her fingers twitch slightly, a sign that she is fighting the vision that is playing out in her mind from the serum. The doctors' chatter turns excited as they note her reactions to the experiment.
Well that seems interesting.
He scrolls through the feed, ignoring the past entries, and pauses when he sees a date: April 3rd. There is no year; the Government had lost track of it when it came to power, and no one bothered to start the system again.
How exactly does one lose track of the year? That doesn't seem like a plausible thing there.
Swallowing his disgust at the whole thing, Hal leaves the last opening blank for the rest of the team to fill out. Then, leaving the form open, he turns and quietly steps through the door, not wanting to stay in the same room as Elena--the subject, he reminds himself. He's only in this job for the money, and so he keeps his thoughts about it to himself.
It's for the best.
Well that's an interesting twist foreshadowed neatly by the shaking hands from earlier. I feel though hat if you want to show this better it should probably be from this Hal's point of view. Then it would be easier to show his thoughts and also clearer than just randomly mentioning the thoughts here.
And that's it for this one.
Overall: Okay let's see...plot taking on some more complications. And so our protagonists' sister appears to be suffering here though whether this is from the present or the past is still unclear. Let's see how things pan out.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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