Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Realistic

12+

Chapter 7: Experiment

by Miraculor77


No POV

A small, tinted window lets in a painfully small amount of light, which shines weakly in a small, gray square on the hard concrete floor. There's a table there; a cold metallic thing, and a small figure is curled on it. She tightly clings to a raggedy blanket, a scrap of cloth barely big enough to cover her rail-thin form.

Then the people come.

They appear to be doctors of some sort, wearing the classic white coat that doctors from the previous era used to wear. As though sensing them, the girl lets out a shriek and tries to get off the table, her bony fingers scrabbling furiously for release.

They ignore her. One--a middle-aged woman with graying brown hair pulled up in a tight low bun-- reaches out and grabs the girl's gaunt wrist, injecting something into her bloodstream. Almost unwillingly, the girl relaxes, her face an outward picture of calm. Her pale gray eyes, however, are widened in fear.

The middle-aged woman straightens out the girl's bony form on the table, smoothing out the wrinkles from the thin white slip dress that she is wearing. The girl's body remains unnaturally limp.

Another one of the doctors, this time a young man, barely twenty, pulls on latex gloves. With one hand he pulls back her inky black hair, and with the other, he takes a needle, its thin point so sharp the girl barely feels it as he inserts it into a spot just behind her ear. Job done, he lets her hair fall back into place on the table and steps back, his hands shaking.

The other doctors huddle in a group around the table, whispering among themselves, noting her pulse, her heart rate, the way her eyelids flutter over her blind eyes. Her breathing turns irregular, and her fingers twitch slightly, a sign that she is fighting the vision that is playing out in her mind from the serum. The doctors' chatter turns excited as they note her reactions to the experiment.

The young man watches them, his blond hair falling slightly over his eyes. Sighing, he walks over to a small glass table in the back corner of the room.

With a quick tap from his index finger, the glass's surface ripples and reveals the daily log that he keeps as a record of the experiment for the Government.

He scrolls through the feed, ignoring the past entries, and pauses when he sees a date: April 3rd. There is no year; the Government had lost track of it when it came to power, and no one bothered to start the system again.

He starts filling it out, his fingers tapping rapidly on the touch-screen:

Name of person filling this out: Guest Doctor Hal N. and Government Scientist Team of Beta Experimental Technologies: Dream Realities.

Name of subject: Elena (no surname)

Updates in experimental technology: Downsized into needle, clearer, more believable images projected into mind.

Subject's reactions: |

Swallowing his disgust at the whole thing, Hal leaves the last opening blank for the rest of the team to fill out. Then, leaving the form open, he turns and quietly steps through the door, not wanting to stay in the same room as Elena--the subject, he reminds himself. He's only in this job for the money, and so he keeps his thoughts about it to himself.

It's for the best.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
61 Reviews


Points: 5916
Reviews: 61

Donate
Mon Aug 12, 2019 11:42 am
Awru wrote a review...



I can't believe its still in the green room. Absolutely outrageous!! So I am here to rescue it.
First of all this chap was mostly based on descriptions of different things from emotions to appearences. And i think you did a wondergul job on that. I certainly did not get bored which happens to me during reading long descriptions. Hey!! Dont judge me. I have concentration problems.
You did a great job maintaining that same despicable face of the government and also putting more emphasis on it. Ok! So my theory here is that little girl is the now Boss in Kyre's life. Which makes the whole idea even more intriguing. Hope you post the next chaps real soon. Plzzzzzzzzz!!

Keep Up the Ezcellent Work :smt038

peace out




Miraculor77 says...


Hi! I really forgot to respond to this about a month ago, so I figured that I might as well do it now. :)
Your theory seems pretty interesting, but I won't give you any spoilers. :D
Thanks for the review!



User avatar
25 Reviews


Points: 94
Reviews: 25

Donate
Mon Aug 05, 2019 3:20 am
View Likes
DottieSnark wrote a review...



This chapter was actually quite terrifying. You painted a picture with your words of a scary, sterile room and a terrified child. You're first few paragraphs really showcase Elena's terror. Here are the lines I like the best:

One--a middle-aged woman with graying brown hair pulled up in a tight low bun-- reaches out and grabs the girl's gaunt wrist, injecting something into her bloodstream. Almost unwillingly, the girl relaxes, her face an outward picture of calm. Her pale gray eyes, however, are widened in fear.


With one hand he pulls back her inky black hair, and with the other he takes a needle, its thin point so sharp the girl barely feels it as he inserts it into a spot just behind her ear.


Also, you told me so much about the world and Hal (and I haven't read your previous chapters) in so few words. I know he's working for a corrupt and perhaps dysfunctional government and that he hates what he's doing but trying to be pragmatic instead of emotional and moral. You have a real talent for showing not telling, but I hope I can help you really showcase that talent.

Let's talk about your physical descriptions. I really do think you do them better than most people. You keep them very brief, but I want to warn you to make sure to limit the information to important things. Knowing that someone is a blond usually doesn't actually tell me something about their character, but telling me their hair is graying tells me they're older and willing to show their age. Likewise, I don't care that Elena's eyes are a pale gray or her hair is an inky black. I'd rather know what state it's in. Is it clean or unwashed? Is the hair cut into a style or just hacked off?

Hair actually tells us a lot about a person, it tells us about their hygiene and style and in a case like Elena who's probably not being given freedom over-performing her own haircare it tells us how they're being treated. I'm focusing on a small thing like this because this is how you show instead of tell. Small things like that can show personality and treatment without ever actually saying what the personality or treatment is, but you have to focus on the right thing.

Anyway, great chapter.




Miraculor77 says...


I just put the description of the hair to help the reader imagine the setting, and the fact that the girl has dark hair and gray eyes does relate to other parts of the story. Nonetheless, thank you for your review! I'll try to put that advice to use in future chapters when I feel that they need it.



DottieSnark says...


Oh yeah, I didn't mean that you can never have those types of descriptions, but just that you should value the types of description that actually tell you something about the character more, and used the hair as an example of how to do that. As it stands this piece is already really good and has some very high quality descriptions.




So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install a lovely bookcase on the wall.
— Roald Dahl