Kyre's POV
The sound of birds wakes me.
I lie on my back, staring listlessly at the ceiling. Weak sunlight filters through the window, along with a cold, dry smell that reminds me of winter. I glance at my tracker to check the time.
7:00
I curse softly under my breath as I sit up, grimacing at the pain in my shin. I'm late. While the cold itself doesn't faze me anymore, my wound acts up as winter approaches.
I start to fold my threadbare blanket when the sound of teeth chattering makes me pause.
Ashe lies on her side, curled up in a ball on the orange blanket Boss had given me. Though she's still wearing her hoodie, she's shivering noticeably, her small form trembling to stay warm.
I shake out my blanket, then crouch next to her. My hands carefully smooth the blanket over her. After a beat, her shivering ceases and she straightens out a little. Her hair spreads out behind her head, the curls slightly tangled and wild. On impulse, my hand reaches out and tucks a stray curl behind her ear. I let it linger on her cheek, fingers tracing invisible patterns on the smooth skin. She looks so peaceful--long eyelashes resting on her cheek, mouth popped slightly open, breaths deep and even--I decide to let her sleep in.
I quietly pull up the trapdoor and push down the ladder, careful not to wake her. My fingertips tingle, but I ignore them, hopping lightly down from the ladder's last rung.
Those chores aren't going to do themselves.
*-*-*
No POV
An announcement blares from the speakers, the voice cool and without inflection, almost inhuman.
"Ms. Kat and Mr. Rin of Citizen Tracking Team must appear at the Inquisition Office within the next three minutes. I repeat…"
Kat and Rin share a glance, then lock their computers and stand from their desks. Rin grabs a folded piece of paper. They carefully step around the sheets of paper littering the floor and out of the room, Kat pausing once to touch the broken heart pendant that hangs from her neck.
The walk to the Inquisition Office is a short one. Kat with purpose, a confident set to her shoulders, while Rin looks like he wants to disappear inside his sweater.
A security guard pats them both down, checking for weapons even though they are prohibited on Government grounds. Security used to be laxer, but the guards have been tense since the rebel bombing at Guard Tower.
The interior of the Office hasn't changed since the last time they came here, when they were appointed with the sole purpose of tracking down a rogue rebel hacker.
Three of the four walls are dark gray, almost black, and windowless. The fourth wall has the glassy surface of a one-way mirror. There is a heavy-looking metal desk near the far end of the room, the stark white light from a lone ceiling lamp glinting off it.
Behind the desk is a woman. Her skin is deathly pale against her jet black sheet of hair. Her almond-shaped eyes are black orbs, watching everything, letting nothing go.
She is called the Inquisitor.
Kat leads Rin to the desk, where they stand, waiting for the Inquisitor to speak to them. It's one of the first things they learned when they joined the Government: Only speak when spoken to. While they'd never learned why, Kat assumed it was because the Government wanted to keep a clear show of authority for the people it employed.
"I believe you know why you are here." Her voice is cold, her accent slightly British. She leans forward slightly, anticipating their response.
Kat answers, her normally indifferent voice laced with eagerness. "Yes, Inquisitor. We are here to inform you about the latest developments in our search. I believe I'd sent an e-note with the details?"
"I would like to hear it from you."
Rin shares a brief glance with Kat, eyes asking silently for permission. She gives a subtle nod, and he straightens his shoulders, trying to add some height to his small frame. "I've finally developed a device that can track computer signals to their approximate origin. The signals from the hackers trace back to the far west side of the Ruins--" He catches himself, but the Inquisitor narrows her eyes. "Er, I mean Current City. I'm sorry." He bows his head, and the Inquisitor waves an impatient hand, wordlessly telling him to go on. The line of her mouth tightens in annoyance.
"When Kat and I went there, we came across an entrance of what appears to be an underground tunnel system. The lack of maintenance leads me to believe it is pre-Government. There were traces of footprints, recent ones. I could tell that they were so because they lacked the layer of dust that seems to cover everything untouched there. I put a tray with clay in it on the floor where the footprints looked prominent.
"Kat checked back yesterday, and we found a footprint in the tray. I took a picture," Rin says, pulling the folded paper from his sleeve. He carefully unfolds it and sets it on the table.
It bears the image of a tray with a strange substance in it, an imprint of a girl's flat in it. Notes are scrawled at the margins of the sheet, the loopy handwriting nearly illegible.
The Inquisitor pulls the paper towards herself, her eyes never leaving Rin's. He swallows hard, the nervousness clearly visible on his features. Kat notices a fragile vein working in his forehead, the fine beads of sweat dampening his brow. But she doesn't let her worry show.
Concern is for the weak.
However, she decides to take the lead and speaks for him, trying to not let her worry show in her voice. "The shoe found in the footprint doesn't match any of the Government-approved models. The seams look jagged and handmade. Illegal." She squints at the scribbles around the picture, trying to make sense of what's written. When she realizes that it's futile, she taps Rin's hand discretely, then they both half-bow, inclining their heads and bending at the waist--a silent request to leave. The Inquisitor nods, and they both straighten and turn to leave.
"Ms. Kat, I would like you to find the suspect and bring her here within three days, though preferably before. Use force if necessary."
Kat looks behind her, but Rin is already gone. The Inquisitor watches her with detached interest, waiting for her reply. "Yes, Inquisitor," Kat says, bowing fully in a show of respect. She feels anticipation blooming inside her. This will be more fun than I thought.
On the way out, Kat pauses to look at the Inquisitor, taking in her cold beauty, the focus in her eyes, as she analyzes the piece of paper. Before she can look up, Kat steps out the way she'd been trained to be.
Swift and silent.
Even the handcuffs at her hip don't make a sound.
I'm coming for you, traitor. I'm coming and I swear on Luna, I will make you pay for what you've done to my life.
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Chapter 13: HerPoints:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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137,620 Literary Works • 672,052 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
And we approach three fifths completed.
First Impression: Well yeah time for a new conflict to be introduced. Nice sneak peak at how the government operates. Also looks like our friend Ashe is in trouble.
Anyway let's get to it,
There are no trees around them but birds are still there? That's good I guess.
Well that was a lovely gesture to show the relationship that's developing between these two.
Well the government is more disorganized than I thought it would be.
They've been doing this job for all those years? Or are these a new set of people that were hired recently?
That sounds like a bad plan. The two prints should have been clearly different and they should have realized that another set was also present and that whoever put this new one wasn't the one that was originally there. Also did Ashe really mistake clay for a tracking device?
The government has to approve SHOE DESIGNS!!
Well. Well. Well. That's an interesting line to end on.
And that's it.
Overall: Great chapter once again. Introduces what looks like it will be the second act of the novel. And does a good job building tension.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
So on further reflection something like a laser would've been much better than clay. And the Government is pretty organized; it's just these two that aren't.
Thanks for the review and stay safe!
Your Welcome!!
Yes lasers are significantly superior to clay. Clay does actually seem really old fashioned compared to some of the other tech you have here.
And right that makes more sense.
damn, you’re 14? i started when i was 15. you’ve already got a massive lead on me and many other writers out there. keep this up and i’m certain you’ll make something of yourself. obligatory disclaimer that everything in any art is subjective and you’re free to ignore everything i say if you want.
>Kyre's POV
just write Kyre in italics or something
>The sound of birds wakes me.
I lie on my back, staring listlessly at the ceiling. Weak sunlight filters through the window, along with a cold, dry smell that reminds me of winter. I glance at my tracker to check the time.
i like the immediacy of the first sentence.
the rest of it is completely fine. i will nitpick, though, and say that it feels a little too purple prosey to me, especially after the first sentence. it gave me this sense of snappy action, like things are gonna happen right now, but then you pull back into slow description of sunlight going through a window (which i’ve seen a few times, and i’m pretty sure i’ve done it myself) and what the character smells.
don’t know what a tracker is, assuming that’s been explained in the previous chapters.
>7:00
personal preference - i would have placed that without italics and a period at the end. 7:00.
>I curse softly under my breath as I sit up, grimacing at the pain in my shin. I'm late.
is I’m late part of the prose, or is it the direct thoughts of the character? if it’s the latter, you should decide whether or not to leave it in with the prose or represent them on a new line like you have further down. i’ve also written more on character thoughts later on in the review. if it is part of the prose, disregard – but you should take the italics out. so people don’t get mixed up. don’t think it warrants emphasis.
>While the cold itself doesn't faze me anymore, my wound acts up as winter approaches.
you already mentioned winter last paragraph
>I shake out my blanket, then crouch next to her. My hands carefully smooth the blanket over her. After a beat, her shivering ceases and she straightens out a little. Her hair spreads out behind her head, the curls slightly tangled and wild. On impulse, my hand reaches out and tucks a stray curl behind her ear. I let it linger on her cheek, fingers tracing invisible patterns on the smooth skin. She looks so peaceful--long eyelashes resting on her cheek, mouth popped slightly open, breaths deep and even--I decide to let her sleep in.
sentence structure repetition here – i don’t know if there’s an “official” name for it, but i call it the A, B sentence. thing A happens, thing B happens. 5 out of 7 sentences in this paragraph are A, B sentences. mix it up a bit!
>Those chores aren't going to do themselves.
ooh boy, short sentence on a line of its own. just about your one strongest tool for emphasis (conventionally). make sure each one is used well, otherwise they’ll begin to lose their impact. if “These chores aren’t going to do themselves” is given the same weight as “She is called the Inquisitor,” the reader might be left thinking either these chores are gonna save the world, or that perhaps Inquisitors aren’t all that important.
>No POV
im assuming this begins on a new page. don’t tell us that there’s no pov. it should be clear through the writing. and i think that’s false, anyway – this part seems to be from the POV of Kat, especially by the end of it.
>"Ms. Kat and Mr. Rin of Citizen Tracking Team must appear at the Inquisition Office within the next three minutes. I repeat…"
these sorts of official announcements tend to have full names
>Kat and Rin share a glance, then lock their computers and stand from their desks.
stand from their desks?
>The walk to the Inquisition Office is a short one. Kat with purpose,
should be “Kat goes with purpose” or “Kat strides with purpose” or something
>a confident set to her shoulders,
"confident set" feels weird to me. maybe try… confidence in her shoulders? confidence in her poise? something like that. also, the two bits “Kat with purpose, a confident set to her shoulders,” say basically the same thing. you could cut one out without losing meaning, or merge them
>A security guard pats them both down, checking for weapons even though they are prohibited on Government grounds. Security used to be laxer, but the guards have been tense since the rebel bombing at Guard Tower.
The interior of the Office hasn't changed since the last time they came here, when they were appointed with the sole purpose of tracking down a rogue rebel hacker.
THERE’S REBELS BTW DID I MENTION THAT YET
i’d just say “rogue hacker” or “rebel hacker”, whichever has more important connotations. unnecessary to have both together.
>Three of the four walls are dark gray, almost black, and windowless. The fourth wall has the glassy surface of a one-way mirror.
could streamline this a bit. like “The walls are all [depressing description] except the furthest one, which was [other description]”
>Behind the desk is a woman. Her skin is deathly pale against her jet black sheet of hair. Her almond-shaped eyes are black orbs, watching everything, letting nothing go.
ORBS. HEH.
sorry it’s just that describing eyes as orbs is almost a meme at this point, haha. it’s fine to use, just… again, be careful with that.
and “almond-shaped” is a strange detail to draw attention to.
>She is called the Inquisitor.
following up on what i said before about short sentences, this is an ideal way to do it. it’s like, bam. DOOM. THE INQUISITOR. DUN DUN DUN. the inquisitor is a big deal and the reader instantly knows they’re a big deal and all you had to do was structure it right.
>While they'd never learned why, Kat assumed it was because the Government wanted to keep a clear show of authority for the people it employed.
this strikes me as odd. kat’s deep enough into this Dystopian Evil Government™ that she’s being summoned to speak to (what seems like) a Super Big Important Person. this not-speaking-until-spoken-to thing feels like it should just be ingrained into her, something that she doesn’t question or think about. unless you’re trying to show that kat is a bit of a free spirit, in which case nice job.
>her accent slightly British.
as every rich, intelligent supervillain type’s accent should be haha
>The signals from the hackers trace back to the far west side of the Ruins--" He catches himself, but the Inquisitor narrows her eyes.
could be phrased a bit better. like “He catches himself, but the Inquisitor’s eyes had already narrowed” or “The Inquisitor’s eyes narrowed, and he caught himself.”
>"Er, I mean Current City. I'm sorry."
“I’m sorry” feels too informal for this situation. have “My apologies, Inquisitor” or similar
>He bows his head, and the Inquisitor waves an impatient hand, wordlessly telling him to go on. The line of her mouth tightens in annoyance.
the last sentence is redundant, as you’ve already told us that she’s impatient. however, showing is often better than telling, and i like that line. i’d have “He bows his head, and the Inquisitor’s mouth tightens in annoyance. She waves her hand, wordlessly telling him to get on with it.” or similar.
>The lack of maintenance leads me to believe it is pre-Government.
lead* fits better, since everything else he’s saying is past tense.
>There were traces of footprints, recent ones. I could tell that they were so because they lacked the layer of dust that seems to cover everything untouched there.
they’re meant to be, like, professionals, right? it’d sound better if he doesn’t feel the need to justify why he knew the footprints were recent.
>I put a tray with clay in it on the floor where the footprints looked prominent.
i get that the tray’s there to help identify the footprints or whatever. but is there no less-clunky, more-professional-sounding name for it than “tray with clay in it”?
>The Inquisitor pulls the paper towards herself, her eyes never leaving Rin's.
why’s she pulling it closer if she’s not gonna look at it
>He swallows hard, the nervousness clearly visible on his features.
can get rid of “the”
>Kat notices a fragile vein working in his forehead, the fine beads of sweat dampening his brow. But she doesn't let her worry show.
Concern is for the weak.
direct thoughts: in the past i used to do this a LOT, but as time’s gone on i’ve realised that (for me) they were really just a lazy crutch i used when i didn’t know how else to express a character’s thoughts or feelings in prose. often, you can just take the italics away and put them in the prose. there’s an advantage to them, of course, in that the reader gets to see exactly what the character’s thinking, and if done well they can make for punchy lines and “ooh damn” moments when a character does the opposite of what they’re thinking. try to consider if the writing is improved by having them there or not.
>She squints at the scribbles around the picture, trying to make sense of what's written. When she realizes that it's futile, she taps Rin's hand discretely, then they both half-bow, inclining their heads and bending at the waist--a silent request to leave. The Inquisitor nods, and they both straighten and turn to leave.
discreetly*
this is… a really, really weird time to leave. especially given the whole atmosphere going on with the Inquisitor – i would’ve thought they’d only get to go when the Inquisitor says so, no asking allowed. the Inquisitor doesn’t want have any more questions, anything else to say?”
also you have “leave” at the end of both the last two sentences there
>"Ms. Kat, I would like you to find the suspect and bring her here within three days, though preferably before. Use force if necessary."
yeah see this line of dialogue should come before they leave
>Kat looks behind her, but Rin is already gone. The Inquisitor watches her with detached interest, waiting for her reply. "Yes, Inquisitor," Kat says, bowing fully in a show of respect. She feels anticipation blooming inside her. This will be more fun than I thought.
continuing on direct thoughts: again, pick a consistent way to show thoughts. with prose, or outside of it. i recommend having a new line.
this line could easily be part of the prose. “This would be more fun than she thought.”
Thanks for the review! I'll go back and smooth it over later. I started at 13, by the way. I only turned 14 about a week ago.
Hiya Mira!
Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review. Let's get right into it! But, first, I'm super srry I came to this so late. Hehe.
Alright, so woooo. Kyre's so sweet, I swear. Must be so annoying though, to suffer "Boss" and wake up so freaking early. Dx I feel sorry for him. Give him a hug for me, pleaaaasse.
You're doing fabulous with the grammar, punctuation, descriptive words, all of it. Not too much dialogue that it's annoying, and not too much description, that it gets boring. Perfect amount of both, and we get a good feel of the chapter. Bravo! c:
Okie, some critiques!~
The bold word hey is meant to be they, I'm quite sure. ^^
Ahh, love it. But one thing, I'd suggest you make this swiftly and silently because that's the way they've been trained.
If you add the lys, that shows a "way". The theives steal swiftly and silently.
If you don't have the lys, then that's just be a descriptive word. The fox is swift and silent.
Oof. Lol, I definitely want to see who this Kat is and I want more of her background! And I have a feeling that the "footprint" is Ashe's. Actually, I'm pretty sure, hehe.
Alright, so that's it for my review! Hope this helped in some sort of way. Of course, if you have any questions, feel free to speak up.
Keep on writing!
~Liberty
I gave Kyre a hug for you. He was really confused. XD
I fixed the typo. I wonder why I didn't catch it when I was reading through the chapter.
You'll see more of Kat soon. Like really soon.
Thanks for the review! I'm glad you got around to it. Better late than never, as they say.
XD Your welcome. And I love that. Better late than never.
About your comment on the "Swift and silent" part: I changed the sentence a little so it has better grammar.
Now it says:
" Before she can look up, Kat steps out the way she'd been trained to be.
Swift and silent."
So it says that Kat has been trained in a way that makes her swift and silent. I honestly don't know why, but I kept thinking about that one nitpick from your review, and finally made myself fix it.
PS I also saw your post on "Better late than never." The comments were quite interesting.
That looks good!
XD Yeah, they are!
EverLight here with a review. This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned- you may feel offended anyway.
First Impression
O.M.G. Why doesn't this have more views? This is really enraging.
Nitpicks & Grammar
To start with you incorrectly use the word faze in this sentence-
I think the word phase would fix the context of this sentence better. That's just me however, so feel free to ignore that suggestion.
In this sentence the comma by the word why could be removed-
Again, there is another comma that could be removed in this sentence-
The comma by answers is unnecessary.
Other then that you have no other nitpicks.
Style & Flow
I have no suggestions here.
Overall you did an amazing job! Keep on writing such awesome stuff!
EverLight Out
Thanks for the review! It really means a lot to me. As paraphrased from Google, "faze" means 'to disturb or disconcert,' and "phase" means 'an event in a sequential order,' which is why I think "faze" fits the context better. I'd thought the same as you when I was writing the chapter, but I checked the definitions. It's just such an informal word, it's jarring to the reader.
Now about another nitpick you made, the one with the comma in this sentence: "While they'd never learned why, Kat assumed it was because the Government wanted to keep a clear show of authority for the people it employed."
I put the comma there to help the writing make sense. While it's still technically correct, here's what the sentence would without the comma:
"While they'd never learned why Kat assumed it was because the Government wanted to keep a clear show of authority for the people it employed."
This makes it seem like "they" (Kat and Rin) were wondering why Kat assumed what she assumed, which makes the whole thing sound like a dependent clause.
At least, that's how it played out in my head.
Thanks again for the review!
Your welcome! I'm glad to help.
As for the phase vs faze issue, I thing faze does have a better spelling XD.