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Chapter 4: Flames

by Miraculor77

Kyre's POV

I lean back and stretch, cringing slightly at the loud popping noises that come from my shoulder. I'd put up a code that effectively hid the Internet from public view. By my count, the program should last about three days, plenty of time for people to worry, but not enough to make any serious damage.

I stand up from the concrete floor, gingerly testing my weight on my right leg. A slight pain shoots up my shin, and I wince.

The screen on my tracker flashes. A new message. My tracker looks similar to a smartwatch form the old days but is actually a locator and a message receiver. I had it fastened onto my wrist when Boss took me in; I haven't been able to take it off since. Boss put it on me as a security precaution, and I can't say I blame her. I've been trying to run away ever since I found out that I had to work under her like a servant.

I tap the screen of the tracker and a hologram fades into existence before me.

Go get food. There's nothing in this house, and I don't have time to get it myself. You know how busy I am.

I sigh irritably. Busy. All she does is sit around watching her virtual koi pond. I like koi and all, but her obsession with them is entirely different. It's slightly unsettling at times.

I step out of the house and walk down the street to the closest convenience store. It's about twenty-five minutes away by walk because Boss likes living in the outskirts of our community. The same view surrounds me as always, never particularly changing no matter how many times I come here. Buildings in various states of disrepair are scattered across the land, like seeds thrown out for pigeons. Stray vines creep up many of their walls from unknown depths.

I keep my gaze ahead, though. I don't need any more reminders of the time I nearly died. As if on cue, the pain in my leg flares up again, and I'm forced into a limp. I lean heavily on my left side, wincing every time my weight falls on my right leg.

I look into the distance to see a gnarled, blackened tree that looks like it fell from hell. A long gash runs through the center and the tree looks as though it might fall apart. By some miracle though, it doesn't.

I make a sharp right at the tree, and continue until I am standing in front of a wall. The cracked bricks make me think of the irony of it all. Here we are, in the highest era of technology known to earth, and this is what we have to show for it?

I push at the center, where red graffiti marks the space with words.

Why did you do this?

Have you seen my daughter?

Life is horrible.

Why me?

And the worst one: I won't be here tomorrow. Goodbye world.

I shut my eyes briefly against the images, then push harder. A hologram of a door appears beneath my palm, the darkness of the illuminated stone starkly contrasting against my pale skin. I tap my watch three times and hold it in front of the door so the program can scan my ID. The door flickers out of existence, and the ground beneath me drops, taking me with it.

There is a heavy darkness here, stifling me. I gasp for air. I can't breathe. My left hand finds a wall next to me and I force my feet to move forward. It is smooth, but when I lift my hand for a moment, my palm sticks slightly to the wall. I feel nauseous. It would be so easy to just stop right here, to never get back up. Beads of sweat fall from my brows, and I put all my concentration into keeping my feet moving forward. My hand on the wall. The musty scent of being underground, the sharp tang of a smell unknown to me.

Anything besides this horrible darkness.

At last, my toes hit something solid. I tentatively step up, and sure enough, there is a staircase. One flight later, I find myself at the surface, blinking into the daylight. I wipe the sweat from my forehead. Nothing quite like being grateful for light after spending fifteen agonizing minutes in the dark.

I see the store ahead of me. It looks like a typical convenience store, with its unassuming front and bolded signs. I step through the door, and it slams shut behind me. I start walking through the store, looking for anything that might be useful to Boss and I. There are the food and grocery aisles, with one whole section dedicated to instant noodles.

Obviously, I go there first.

After picking up about six month's supply of ramen, I am ready to make my way back, when I stop dead in my tracks.

It's her.

Ashe looks around, clearly confused. She like a slightly older version of her photo; in the picture, she looked about twelve, now she looks almost fifteen. Her wide eyes blink once, twice, thrice, before she nods slightly to herself and makes her way to the noodle section. Her shoulder bumps into mine, and I hiss in pain from my shin when my leg collides with a shelf.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you alright?"

She reaches out and steadies me, her voice soothing yet clear. As I nod in response, our eyes meet. There is kindness in them, but also fire. A hard determination that she will find the person who stole her work. She briefly smiles at me before leaving, and the light in her eyes is hidden away once more. I gaze at her retreating back, frozen. The fire I saw in her eyes was powerful, strong. I don't think she recognized me--if she does, I have a distinct impression that, put plainly, I'll be screwed.

I shake my head sharply to focus. I need to get through that hellhole of a tunnel again to go home.

I need to be careful because although she seems nice now, she won't be when she finds the culprit.

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411 Reviews

Points: 4841
Reviews: 411

Sun May 26, 2019 8:32 pm
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Liberty wrote a review...

Hi Mir!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review. Again. Lol. Anyways, let's start.

This was interesting! I never expected them to see each other already! But that's nice. It's funny how Ashe just passed her hacker and didn't even notice it. It made me laugh a bit. That was nice. Anyways, I saw two things that I'd like to point out.

I don't need any more reminding of the time I nearly died.

This was a shocking sentence. I did notice something in it though. It didn't quite make sense. Maybe change the bold word to reminders, instead? I think that would sound a bit better. And then the next thing was this:

By some miracle, though it doesn't.

I like where you put the comma. But, maybe, I think it would be better if you added a comma after the bold word, too. That's it. Hope this helped. :)

Happy Review Day!

And as always...

Keep on writing!


Miraculor77 says...

Hi! Sorry it took me a while to get back to your review. Summer vacation started, and I no longer have my Chromebook. I went back and fixed the chapter, and I hope it looks better now.
Thanks for the review!
- Mira

Liberty says...

Not a problem. Your welcome!

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159 Reviews

Points: 4700
Reviews: 159

Wed May 22, 2019 1:39 am
Honora wrote a review...

Hi! Sorry it's taken me so long to read and review! I've been slacking off but I'm trying to get back into the habit of being on here!

Anyway, review time. ;)

"I keep my gaze ahead, though. I don't need any more reminding of the time I nearly died. As if on cue, the pain in my leg flares up again, and I'm forced into a limp. I lean heavily on my left side, wincing every time my weight falls on my right leg."
This is excellent. What I want to point out is that this could be two paragraphs. I think it should be another one at "As if etc..." This is just a personal preference though so you can ignore this if you want! :)

"By some miracle, though it doesn't."
This is a good sentence. The only thing you would have to fix is that the comma should be after "though."

"There is a heavy darkness here, stifling me. I gasp for air. My left hand finds a wall next to me and I force my feet to move forward. Beads of sweat fall from my brows, and I put all my concentration into keeping my feet moving forward. My hand on the wall. The musty scent of being underground. Anything besides this horrible darkness."
One thing that everyone on this site has literally drilled into my skull is to write with your five senses. This is a really good paragraph but it lacks emotion.
"I gasp for air," or "My hand on the wall," sounds kind of plain by itself, right? Try to elaborate on how it FELT to have no oxygen. Did he feel panic? Or is he a controlled person? Since he's falling and his hand is on the wall, wouldn't it be scraping him? That would be painful. See what I mean? Try to use sight, touch, smell, hearing, and for the life of me, I can't remember the fifth one. BRAINFART!

So, that's the way to the store. I see that now so maybe before the ground drops on him, have a sentence or two saying how he's anticipating the drop. How it makes him nervous or something.

That's all I found! I can definitely say that I love this. You have me hooked and I can't wait to read Chapter 5! (I see that it's out but unfortunately, I don't have time to review it right now ;()

It's really good and although your writing style is different than what I usually read, the story line and plot have me hooked enough that I barely notice! That is a GOOD thing! Well done!

I look forward to reading more!

Your friend,

Miraculor77 says...

Hey! It's good to see you here again.
For your first suggestion, I felt that keeping the two sentences in one paragraph would make it seem more connected.

About not having enough emotion (your second suggestion), I went back and smoothed out the paragraph. You were right; it did seem a little lacking in emotion. I hope it's better now!

I know you probably know this already, but I'll say it anyway. :)

Thanks for the review!

Honora says...

I'm glad you liked the review!
It looks great now!
And, you're welcome! I'll be back for for more! ;)

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155 Reviews

Points: 11208
Reviews: 155

Sat May 11, 2019 5:03 am
Toboldlygo wrote a review...

Hey there! Toboldlygo here for a review!

First of all, I think you definitely have a good story going and I can tell you know what you're doing with it. However, there doesn't seem to be much progression in that plot in this chapter. I'm not saying that every chapter needs to be full of suspense, but they should each advance the plot and/or hint at future events that will be significant in the story. This chapter is very nicely written technically, but it doesn't contain much that makes me feel like the story moved from between the beginning and the end.

Speaking of beginning and end, I also think this chapter could use a stronger start and finish. It seems to drift in and out, and it doesn't help the reader recall what happened in the past or why events are happening or get the reader into the story. The end is okay, but it fades out and doesn't leave a strong, compelling reason to come back and continue to read. Especially because this is Young Writers' Society and not a book where each chapter is a page after the previous, people often need to want to have your next chapter come out. Ending with more suspense is one of many ways to do that.

I think you have a very clean writing style, which is refreshing to read. Your piece is overall well-proofed and is clear and understandable. It's a very engaging style and has a good amount of description.

Overall, this is a good chapter. Keep up the good work!

Happy Writing!


Miraculor77 says...

Yeah, I thought the chapter was a little bland in terms of events. I guess I just needed someone to point out where. I'll go back and make it a bit better.
Also, I didn't see you in the previous chapters, so if you are wondering, this chapter is a continuation (of sorts) of the second chapter. I switch POVs between two characters, so the first and third chapters are told by Ashe, and the second and fourth chapters are told by Kyre.

Thanks for the review. :)
- Mira

Miraculor77 says...

I just realized...
Your username: Toboldlygo
Is it the words "to boldly go" turned into one word?

Toboldlygo says...

haha yes it is :)

“Can a magician kill a man by magic?” Lord Wellington asked Strange. Strange frowned. He seemed to dislike the question. “I suppose a magician might,” he admitted, “but a gentleman never could.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell