Young Writers Society

Hey MeherazulAzim !

This is a really well written poem. I like the patterns of rhyming although a few don't quite rhyme. "fire" and "massacre" sound sort of similar, but not the same.

I really loved this particular line "Life is a race and all of us are the runners, you have been a part of it since you were born,"
It got me really thinking deeply about life...

There are some grammar issues and tyops, but Lightsong and RagingLive have already explained that, so I won't tell you again.
I really enjoyed reading this poem, and it has a great pace to it too!

Hey, I'm here for the requested review!

Okay, firstly, suggestions;

Hi Meherazul,

Welcome to the YWS and thanks for being brave enough to post your poem! I know it can be very daunting to lay your work out for everyone to look at, but now you've given it a go I hope that you'll continue to review and post works for a long time to come.

I can see that RagingLive has given you a very comprehensive review picking out all of the spelling mistakes and such, so I'm going to ignore those and let you fix them at your own pace. I'm mostly interested in the content of the poem - though I will ask first why you decided to put this in italics? The format is of course entirely up to the poet, but this seems like an odd choice as italics often make longer works harder to read. Maybe consider that for next time. The poem itself has a really nice concept, I think. I can clearly see what you were working toward and I think the message you wanted to give out is one that can be easily extracted with a close reading. That isn't always easy to do, so props on getting your message to come through nice and clear.

Thinking about the more complicated elements of your poem, I have to question the length. Right now your poem seems to read almost as a prose piece might, just with a more judicious line breaks. This can work for epic poetry but I feel like some of your lines just don't hold the weight that they have the strength for. This isn't because the lines themselves are necessarily bad but instead because I think you're telling us too much without showing it. It's a well used phrase on the YWS and you may have come across it in other places as well, but we're big on the idea of "show don't tell" where instead of stating things like "I am sad" you use an image to express it "I am an empty swing". This doesn't always work for poems, but I think it might add to the interest your poem holds - you use imagery sometimes like when you talk about camouflage but otherwise your imagery isn't really there. Of course you may tell me that you're not actually interested in imagery in poetry, and that would be cool too! I'd still suggest you think about culling some of the unnecessary lines and maybe playing with some different ways of expressing the same ideas you have, only a little more engagingly.

You clearly have a good base for poetry and an ability to write well. If you make any changes to this I'd love to read it, I think your concept is interesting and going somewhere.

Thank you for posting!
- Penguin.

This is rather good,but I do not entirely understand it all.

Hello, hello! May I just say welcome to YWS, I am here to give you your first review!!
I think my favorite part was the very last lines that kind of summed it all up.

Things You Could Improve On

I'm not sure if you meant to have a rhyming or rhythmic scheme going here, which made it kind of confusing, but I will try and review this as best as I can.
Instead of encouraging your rhyming, I'm going to help you with your rhythmic pattern and that should smooth this out significantly.

When to all townsmen and all villager,

I was just a stanger,

Failing to understand them and their smiles and the tears,

So I tried hard to find what I lack,

Kept rummaging all of thoughts and memories,

cameoflagued my status while I felt like an outsider

and showing I am graceful as ever,

I kept on going as far as could go

hope's faded, fate's spoken,

maybe wasn't meant to be one with 'em,

Well Now I am mad and my mind is like the land of a massacre,

Thanks to almighty for that actually happend,

'Cause now I know I am me,

I am not them, cause I am not meant to be,
cause unlike them I am always bored,

thats why I know when they speak the trues,
cause now I know that if you are showing false pity

cause you possibly dont even admire nature's beauty,
cause life's a race and all of us are the runners,

cause life's a race and all of us are the runners,
you have been a part of it since you were born,
Its a game where you keep moving or your dreams get torn,

you may cheat but thats what worsens it,
cause you cant live with that,
you dont finish the race when you reach the finish line

cause their is no such such thing,
you only finish your race when you know how to see joy in everything,
some can do it and some are deceased before they can,

I dont know where to find that or when,
but I may know where to start looking cause thats what I have been doing without even knowing,

I find happiness when I see people becoming brothers

not in blood but in bond,

I find happiness when I see some ducks

I find happiness everytime I fall cause everytime I learn how to carry on,
I find happiness to see people become what they deserve to be,

I dont know if It my turn to finish my turn finish,

But now I got a message to give

its that we gotta put our past behind,
cause we are all part of a race
and we got actual happiness to find.