A rotten planet writhing with maggots
Regurgitating evil as it swarms
Gorging themselves on the juices of gossip
Confining themselves to norms
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Selfishly deluded
And teeming with sin
This wretched race
Will destroy its kin
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These mortal monkeys
These bags of meat
Stupid, violent, prone to war
Who ooze in the presence of heat
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Live in a world polluted
By their own filth and grit
These pestilent humans
Aren’t worth our wit
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Non-accepting of difference
A species unchanged
We will invade somewhere else
Far less deranged
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Canary word: Present
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140,068 Literary Works • 672,978 Reviews
First off,
Wow.
This was very well thought out and written. I really like how it is written in the view of aliens, and how that's not really revealed until the end. The diction used was incredible too, the harsh words and imagery worked great together creating the undesirable world that realistically aliens probably wouldn't like to visit. It was the perfect length for a piece like this because you said enough without trying to drag it out. Very clean.
I was caught by the first stanza.
Hey!
I like the twist on a modern idea. It was a little deranged, but since it's from the alien's perspective I'll accept it. You wrote your poem in standard ABCB style, but I would like for there to have been maybe a few more beats in there to add to the rhythmical feel. If you read it aloud, you may notice how there are some awkward little bits where another word or two would make it sound more even.
I hope that my review helped, and I really encourage you to continue writing. Your poem kind of reminded me of Orson Scott Card's Ender series. (If you haven't yet read them I suggest that you do.) Your poem was original and unique told by the alien's point-of-view, and I really dig that.
Keep up the awesome work,
Smanske15
I have to admit, I am a little disatisfied with the way this sounds in the transition from stanza 3 to 4. I'm just not really sure what to do about it. Suggestions?
Hello, MargoSeuss! Unknown391625 here with another review!
This is a great poem! It gives a perspective about how aliens think of us, and why they don't want to invade our planet. It's great! Very imaginative. I am sure that you got a lot of inspiration to write this! Good job! I will be looking out for your future poems and stories. Don't give up and keep on writing, MargoSeuss!
-Unknown391625