Doorways opened through space
Stars flared and streaked the cosmos
I touched the face of one I damaged
Malignant tongue curled in my mouth
-
The undulating ovals
Swirled spirals of majesty
As time reversed
I erased words spat like venom
And our mouths met as one
-
The years rolled forward
Through bouts of wrongful restoration
My lips gushed with hostility
He became a prisoner to my poison
And shriveled in my embrace
-
The cloth could not capture my form
As it had in bright days of youth
I condemned innocence to the grave
His martyr could not be unmaimed
By my time traveling pants
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Believe it or not, I have in fact listened to a radio play about time traveling trousers (way better alliteration in English,) called professor prune and the time trousers, but that is beside the point.
First off I wish to congratulate you on your unintentional pun, "Stars FLARED and streaked the cosmos". Gedit?
Second, I dislike the line, "My lips gushed with hostility." Lips are not something I see gushing with hostility. Mouth, maybe. And gushing doesn't seem the right word either. This is just my humble opinion though.
Sadly, I can find no more critique, so I bid you fare well.
Yours in reviewing,
Take That You Fiend!
This poem seems to be about trying to save a relationship or hobby with gimmicks. I guess it may work for a bit but then it gets old and the timestream starts correcting itself. I liked the immagery in this poem, particularaly in the first paragraph, when you wrote "doorways opened through space, stars flared and streaked the cosmos". Even though this was probably an intruductory image in sticking with the theme of time travel, for some reason it was really exxiting to me. Your grammer seems fine, and I can see nothing wrong with the structure. This is an interesting poem. I liked it because it showed how things that fit at one time, but we become completely different people as we grow. Keep it up.
Thank-you, Languid. The purpose of this poem is to demonstrate that somethings are just not meant to be. In this case, it was a relationship. Thank-you for your review.
Hello, GreenTulip here to give you a review on your poem 'Time Traveling Pants'. I haven't reviewed anything here in a while.
I loved this poem. I was well written. The stanza's aren't to long nor are they to short. I liked that about them, they were the perfect length.
The time that follows through this poem is magnificent. It is perfectly well done. This isa well written poem, and I can't find anything bad to say about it.
Hey! IamTraunt here to review!
This is a lovely piece of work! The title links in with your poem but it totally misled me. I imagined a funny and very witty poem about underwear. But you took me by surprise and you mention about this time traveller and romance. Its quite a stunning poem and how you've captured this love is magnificent.
My favourite line is:
Malignant is such a beautiful word to use, meaning that she is wanting to do evil, to cause pain on her unfortunate lover. It may also mean to spread, which relates to the poison spreading through his body in stanza three.
I also like how you use enjambment to show the on going on time. It really reflect well on your poem. It has a lovely essence about it.
I loved reading this! Keep up the good work.
Thanks, Traunt. Ususally my poems are humourous, and they ususally ryme. However, I wanted to try something different. I'm thrilled you enjoyed this. Thanks for your review. It means the world to me.
Aw
Glad to be of help! Its good to have a variety of different works. It makes you a better writer. Experimenting is good. You never know - you might find something you love doing when you try something new 