Note: I've gotten bored of the usual style in which I write poetry. Thus, I have decided to broaden my poetic horizons and try some free verse. Feel free to give me some ideas for improvement. Your insight means the world to me! Thanks :)
My heart was soft and ached for others
I felt a pang in my chest
As eyes welled and faces dampened
-
But then I hardened.
-
I was forced to move from those I loved
To work alone; to feel alone
Only the walls could see my sadness
Emotions bottled inside my brain
-
I grew bitter in my solitude.
-
A callous coated my tender heart
Hampering empathetic tears
I scoffed at the sorrows of others
-
Because….
there was nobody
to hug away
mine.
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I like the way that you show the transformation of a cibrant social life, to a closed and deliberately unfeeling cage. This is a realistic view of loss and how we try to curb our ability to feel it, but in the process, blunt the effect of the fairer emotions. I might suggest that you change the "calous coated my heart" to something like "Calous restricted my hearts adamant beating, and lowered it to a state less wanting", it all about the imagery. As of now I cannot see any spelling errors wich is a good sign. Good work.(((:)=
Thanks for your review. I appreciate your suggestion, but I'm actually quite happy with that line.
Well then thats fine. Your lines as good as mine
Hello!
Instead of "I'd feel" in the second line, it might work better with 'I felt'.
"A callous coated my tender heart" This is my favorite line.
"I moved away from those I loved" I don't particularly like this line because I felt the person described in the first part was the type of person who was empathetic to people, even if she didn't really know them and to add the clarifier of 'those I loved' it diminishes the change that takes place in her.
The ending is quite tragic, though I don't completely think the right-alignment is necessary; I think the poem would be just as good if this stanza were aligned normally and maybe even a tiny bit better because there wouldn't be the line alignment to distract the reader from the very profound message of these last few lines. Note that this is my opinion and I am in no way an expert on poetry, so leave it however you feel like leaving it, I just don't particularly care for it. I also have never liked .... with nothing behind them, but this is a personal preference.
I think it's an interesting thought behind the poem; that the narrator feels that since she has become hardened and can endure her pains by herself- is forced to endure her pains by herself because of her hardness- then she feels everyone should deal with their problems and pain themselves and shouldn't be expecting her to help because he/she can't even keep up with her own. (Of course the reason he/she can't handle their own pain anymore is because they no longer have anyone to help them with it. It's such circular logic!) However, the poem notes that the narrator wasn't always stuck in this vicious circle and I'm interested as to what started it. I know it says his/her heart hardened, but why? Just because of time and growing older? A let down? A betrayal? It would also help us sympathize with the narrator if you told us a little more, and sympathy is never a bad thing.
Hope this review helped.
-tgirly
Thanks for your review. I agree with your idea to change I'd feel to I felt. I'm not really sure what to do with the line "I moved away from those I loved." How am I suppose to make this sound calloused? Perhaps I will experiment with adding another verse or something as a means of further explanation. The individual has grown bitter in their lonliness. Solitude is the worst sort of suffering. There was no betrayal or tragedy. That's why it sucks. People understand why someone feels sad if something tragic has happened to them. But if nothing tragic has occurred, there is no one to provide comfort. Thus, increasing the suffering. I aligned the last few lines differently to induce a feeling of drama. I wanted the words to stand on their own to give a more powerful impression. I may change it...not sure yet. I'm not sure what you meant when you said "I also have never liked .... with nothing behind them." Is that the title of a poem? Again, thanks for your review!
I was referring to the line "Because...." at the beginning of the last stanza. I don't know why, but I've always felt ...s at the end of a line or paragraph to be a bit cheesy. This is probably just me though.
Ah. Now I see. Hmm. I guess I put them their because (what are those called, ellipses?) I wanted the reader to imagine the word trailing off. Sorry it reminded you of a pasta condiment!
Hi MargoSeuss,
A nice poem. Heart touching and sweet. Frankly speaking, it could have been much better if you could possibly include rhymes.
Apart from that it is a nice short poem. The format was cool too; and so was the flow of the poem. Everything seemed just natural.
However here, in this stanza "Only the walls could see my sadness"
You sure walls? I would think of something else. There is a proverb which says ".......walls can hear......" But they can't see I guess!
The best and my favourite stanza was: "there was nobody
to hug away
mine."
Well that is much I can say. Your work is inspiring and sounds great. I hope to read more of your work soon.
Have a great day/night
I personally think everything sounds better with rhyme too. However, my usual poetry rhymes and I was trying to get away from that. I wanted to try something different. The bit about the walls is personification. I'm aware that walls don't have eyeballs!
Thanks for your review.