z
  • Home

Young Writers Society



The Search

by Liminality


There, streaks of blue-white
the waterjet stories.
Jot down sharp breath moments
and the one crystal thought.
Drop the rest
into salt-spray.

This chapter does not end
with love-hungry people.
This chapter is sharp
and bright,
like an iceberg,
the broken tip.

To get there a person
must swim laps around their feelings.

For those who fumble
through the hard characters,
clinging to dark waters,
pressing their lips against
the light? Maybe they’ll find
the deeper they dive,
the more bioluminescent.


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
77 Reviews

Points: 51
Reviews: 77

Donate
Sun Mar 12, 2023 9:42 am
View Likes
SofieR wrote a review...



Hey there! Sofie here with a review :)

great job on this one. You set the scene so well, and really put the reader there in the storm you were describing. I think my favorite line is ;

"To get there a person
must swim laps around their feelings."

short and sweet and packs a great punch.

I will agree with the previous reviewer and say something about the ending does sort of feel...off, I guess? It does feel a bit incomplete . Maybe play around with the wording, or maybe even consider elaborating a little for one more stanza. of course, those are just my suggestions. If you feel like it's perfect as is, that's the most important thing lol

All in all I think you did a great job. Keep writing and I can't wait to see what you put out next :)

- Sofie




Liminality says...


Thanks for the review!



User avatar
355 Reviews

Points: 2099
Reviews: 355

Donate
Mon Mar 06, 2023 6:42 pm
View Likes
LadySpark wrote a review...



Hi Lim! Thought I'd grab the first review on this one.

I love the imagery in this poem. It's so crisp and clean and reminds me of an afternoon on a sailboat, when you look up and see a storm on the horizon, if that makes sense. For me, you really hit the jackpot in stanza two with the "love-hungry" people line. I think that's really the highlight of the poem and where your story really takes off and takes shape. That being said, I do think there are one or two little clean ups we could do to take this poem to the next level! So let's talk about them :)


First off, I'm not 100% in love with how you start us off. I LOVE a poem that starts in the middle of the action with a "There," or "here," type vibe, and you've done that here, which I'm really into. However, I guess I just don't get the connection between the "There" and the rest of the line (and for that matter, stanza). I think if you shuffled the order of the lines, it might make a little more sense to me. Something like...

There, jot down sharp breath moments
and the one crystal thought.
streaks of blue-white
the waterjet stories.
Drop the rest
into salt-spray.

I don't know why, but that just seems to work better for your narrative.

I'm so conflicted about stanza three because there's something SO poignant about it but also... I feel like it's lacking *something*? Honestly, I think the solution to that could simply be that you need to expand that thought a little more. Could those two lines grow into a larger sized stanza? Play around with it and see what you think. There's a deep well of imagery that you can pull from in this poem, so I know for sure there are places you could find to give the poem a little breathing room.

In the last stanza, I just have one itty-bitty thought. I found the question mark after "the light" to be a little strange. The wording was also a little off for me, but I think it could easily be fixed with just a little editing. Something like...
For those who fumble
through the hard characters,
clinging to dark waters,
pressing their lips against
the light—?
Maybe they’ll find
the deeper they dive,
the more bioluminescent.

I also find myself wishing the ending was just a little more punchy. It feels slightly incomplete, which isn't a bad feeling for some poems to have (in fact, I find that can be very evocative), but I think it's again the issue of "I wish they had expanded their thought a little more here" than it is a purposefully choice to leave the poem unfinished.
I think my true issue is the part I bolded. This poem is very firm and exacting, so the use of "maybe" fills me with a slight sense of wishy-washy-ness that the rest of the poem utterly lacks. The refreshing nature of this poem is because of that exacting language, in my opinion, so I'd like to see you carry that feeling through the end to really give it a good send off. I love the intention of this metaphor, but I think if you expanded it a little more and it was more a sure "yes, the deeper you dive you WILL see xyz" than "well maybe you will, maybe you won't". If you look at the tone of the rest of the stanzas, I think you'll see what I mean.

Overall, this poem is utterly fantastic and I really enjoyed it. Stanza two is a star. Nice work!

xo
Spark




Liminality says...


Hey Spark! Thanks for the review!

Yeah I can see where you're getting at with the "there" part. The thought was to start with "streaks of blue-white" to get the reader right into this dynamic physical action (as opposed to "jot down" which is a smaller movement and feels like it needs to come after *something* has happened that needs recording) but I agree that the "there" doesn't quite work so well if that's the case.

That's a good catch about the "maybe"! "maybe" is usually a word I ban from my poems nowadays, so I don't know how that got in there xD I think it could have been left over from the PAW prompt I was writing this for, but I'm not sure.

I'll definitely consider trying to expand on some of these images in a revised version.

Thanks again for looking so carefully at my poem!




Carpe Diem
— Catullus