In the Dark
Lightning spread across the night's sky, and rain showered upon the poor soul below. Thunder boomed and cracked as Zeight struggled to survive the night. Her entire body was soaked, and her eyes widened every time she heard thunder. Her heart raced, her legs grew weak, and her strength began to fade.
Zeight had long dirty blonde hair, and her eyes were hazel. She wore a metal headband with her hair falling over it. A long elegant blade was held in her right hand. It was very narrow and the handle was small enough for her to easily grip it. She wore chainmail for most of her body but plate for her chest. Leather was wrapped around her arm from her elbow to her wrist. She was tall and fell just a few inches below six feet. Zeight looked sturdy, but inside she was filled with horror. Still she managed to fight the monster that could easily overtake her.
She was caught in a nightmare, and no one could wake her. Zeight stood her ground and held her head high as she waited for the creature to show its face once again. The ruins were very ancient looking and many idols were scattered about. Trees were stretched out over here and her enemy. Standing in middle of an ancient ruin, she could see broken towers and alters about her. What she was standing on was a tipped over throne with many breaks in it. Nothing else could be seen, though, since the sun had gone down. She was helpless...
"Come out of the darkness!" she yelled.
After a few seconds, a monster leapt out of nowhere, and landed right in front of her. He was a wolf of tall stature. A scar ran across his head and down to his neck. His fur was black and his eyes glowed like fire. A chain dragged from his front paw, and his teeth were stained with blood. He left Zeight with a scratch across her cheek and a bite in her thigh. She stood there motionless as the monster slowly walked towards her. The creature was thirsty for more.
Zeight's hands shook, and her thigh burned. It stung like a thousand bee stings. The creature seemed to grin as he got ready to fight. She charged at the monster and blocked as much as she could with her blood stained shield. They had been fighting for half an hour now, and life was fading from Zeight. She couldn’t take much more, but she knew she had to try.
The animal growled and foamed at the mouth while it ate at her. Finding a point of weakness, she sliced its chest. This made it whimper, but it still didn’t affect it much. While running up the stairs to the top of a tower, she accidentally dropped her shield but didn't dare go back to retrieve it. The beast came up slowly and stared into her deep blue eyes. Fear was prominent in every part of her body. Blood dripped from her pale face, and she grew dizzy.
I can't give up now...she thought.
The animal jumped on top of her and knocked her sword to the side. It started tearing at her flesh and scratching up her armor. Zeight pushed the animal back, but he was stronger than her; and he had fought many more battles. Zeight was expertly trained, however, and she knew where he was weakest so she pulled a knife from her side; and jabbed his eye. The animal immediately backed up and whimpered in pain. She crawled to her sword and held the cold thing in her hand again. It was comforting to her but she still was overcome with fear.
As the animal brushed the ground and shook its head trying to relieve the pain, Zeight scrambled to her feet again.
"Stop toying with me!" she screamed in fright as she tightened her grip on her sword.
It ran towards her and rammed her body into the wall behind her. The knife that was in its eye was pushed deeper into its skull and it paused for a moment. Zeight, with the strength she had left, slashed its left side and sunk her sword into the wolf. Then pulled the sword from the creature and pushed it off the tower. The creature smacked the ground, and its body broke as it hit the bottom. Zeight knew her fight was over and was greatly relieved; but she grew weary and fell to the tower floor.
She held tightly to her sword as she thought about what she could have done if she wasn’t so foolish. She left her group behind. Her brother went missing, and she came here to find him; but he wasn’t taken to this location. He was somewhere else. She began to cry.
Her voice cracked, and her eyes slowly closed. Her hand let go of her sword, and her golden hair fell over her face. Her body bled, her skin grew pale, and her heart slowed considerably. She didn’t have much strength left, and her mind was filled with despair. She couldn’t accept it, but she couldn’t fight it either. Zeight thought about her brother and his smile. She thought about what home was like, and imagined being back there again enjoying swimming in the river; and picking the beautiful flowers that grew by their house.
Now all she felt was pain; now all she saw was blood dripping into her eyes; now all she smelt was the death that danced around her. She was being taunted to just be at peace and she gave into it. She closed her failing eyes and with her faint voice she said, "Don’t forget me, Kerrs... I love you..."
"Zeight! Where are you?!" Tafe yelled as his eyes rapidly searched for her.
He knew she was there, and he wasn’t going to leave her. He found the dead creature by the tower, and saw her dagger sunk into its eye. He knew she was close. Tafe ran up the stairs and found the young woman's body in front of him soaked in blood and rain. He put his sword back in its sheath and picked her up gently. Tafe then rushed down the stairs, mounted his horse, and headed back towards camp. Zeight cracked opened her eyes to see Tafe's face then closed them again when he looked at her.
"Hold on, Zeight! We're almost there," he encouraged her as he raced down the muddy trail on his horse.
The rain poured stronger and the lightning danced in the sky. Thunder boomed and cracked and warned the poor soul that her time was up!
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
As requested~ Sorry for the lateness!
I'm a bit rusty on reviewing, so forgive me as I try to find my feet. (I should really be more careful about where I put those.)
First things first: syntax. The first paragraph was a bit of a bog for me to get through, mostly because each sentence is a brick in perfect alignment with the others. You follow a rigid Subject + Verb + Order structure, with little to no variation, and that does no kindness to the prose. Shuffle it up--bring some diversity into your sentences. Doing this will cause your tone to vary greatly, as well as lose some of that cardboard monotony.
~ Lines one and two can be taken as an example. Lightning (Subject) spread (verb) [across] night sky (object). Thunder (subject) boomed [and] cracked (verbs)..., and Rain (subject) showered (verb)...
You get the picture. Your opening paragraph is important, because it contains the all-important 'hook or no' factor that spurs your reader to read on. Why would I be interested in knowing that the lightning was spreading over the night sky like marmalade on toast, anyway? It's a cliché opening, it's long, it's not doing any marvels in establishing setting aside from letting us know, that yes, it's raining. And, as expected when there's a storm, there is thunder. And lightning. And rain.
Get rid of the fat. Bulk up on important stuff. The setting is crucial to action, in this situation, because it's directly affecting how the character behaves; this much is obvious after we go on a general run through 'Properties of Rain: 101'. One suggestion I'd make here is to start with action. Unless your description is strong, and you are certain that it's enough to draw your reader in, steer clear of using it as a pillar to lean against while you enter the chapter. Also, while we're on description: the narrator tends to describe the settings very blandly, and while prose is definitely prosaic (hence the word), avoid being too literal with your description. Drag imagery into your prose; bring the senses into play with sensory description--description utilising not just sight, but sound and taste and touch, etc. You do this to good effect with 'her thigh ... stung like a thousand bee stings' (note that 'stung' and 'stings' is repetitive here), and it's something that I'd like to see more in the piece. Even minimalist prose needs some variation, some dappled hue in its colour, because it makes the moment so much more tangible to the reader--so be a little more generous with your description; play with it; take risks.
Yeahh, I generally advise people against falling into the 'first chapter means we must describe our MC thoroughly!!!' pit, because it detracts so much from the moment at hand and does little more than give us the visuals for a character we have not even so much as begun to care about. As it is, I was surprised by the time I reached the bit about the monster, because I thought the narrator would pay more attention to the fact that her life was in danger, rather than focussing on what Zeight was wearing. Style before survival?
Tip: rather than going on long tangents, describe your character in small doses. Integrate this description with action, rather than giving this sort of surface-level description a paragraph of its own--I've found that that does nothing but slug down the pace. Things like: 'She fiddled with the worn-out velcro on her joggers, blue eyes vacant and unseeing as she surveyed the track' not only ground us in the present situation, but are an incredibly subtle way of creating images within the reader's mind. To each writer their own, though!
Don't tell us.
Don't tell us.
Don't tell us!
I understand how short, resounding statements can be effective, but when a statement is made prior to the very description that serves as evidence to what it has to offer ... it's pretty useless. It also occupies a cardboard-like feel, and is, essentially, a waste of word-count. Why state something, if not in the MC's mind, or if it not immediately obvious, when you spend a painstaking paragraph /showing us/ that the monster was 'thirsty' for more, aka it wants to fight?
'broken towers', 'breaks in (the throne)', 'standing' is repeated twice, and both these sentences are in close proximity to one another. Again, work on that syntax, and avoid repetition. Read the piece out loud to see how it sounds--if it's stilted, then it means that you need to work on flow, and flow ultimately boils down to the way you've arranged your words--aka, once again, bloody syntax.
--
General thoughts on this scene: it is not a good opener. We don't really know who Zeight is, except for the vague assumption that she's probably a warrior of some sort, owing to the chainmail and the sword, and this is either a fantasy world, or a historical fiction where the female character is challenging her ascribed status and lashing out at society/is forced to battle to survive a strange creature in a strange mesh of monster meets man. This is categorised into fantasy, so I'm going to go with that. XD I keep getting mythological vibes, though. Like this has roots in Greek or Roman mythology, for some reason. I feel like the barest mention of Zeight's 'tribe' and the very overdue mention of her brother are not sufficient enough for a strong opening. I really don't care for a lengthy action scene when I don't really know the character, and am not familiar with their goals, their aims, their exact purpose in the scene, what led them here, what they're trying to do, who they're trying to do it for, and ... the list goes on. I get that she's 'expertly trained', I get that there are ruins of something here, of a castle? But the foreground to the scene is blurry, and that's what keeps me from wanting to continue. What kind of group does Zeight belong to? Where were they going? Are the travelling nomads? Why did no one else come to help her look for her brother, when she realised he was missing? Or did he go missing after she'd parted from the group? Or did she lose the group as well, when she wandered out too far to search for him?
Every scene requires a narrative, something to hold the wild horse to its closure; a brilliant scene will go drifting across your reader's eyes if they have no prior knowledge of anything to connect to, no context to what is happening and why. As the author, it's your job to provide them with that.
You have a situation. You summed it up like an outline with 'her brother was missing and she went to find him'. All you need to do is extrapolate on it, but without wandering out too far and bringing in scenes that accomplish nothing, considering the fact that a conflict within a conflict prior to the conflict being introduced is a massively confusing thing.
I hope this still proved helpful to you! Keep writing!
PM me if you have any questions.
Cheers~
~Pomp c:
Hello! This was a very intriguing beginning to a novel! I was a bit confused in some places, but I'm assuming those things will be cleared up in later chapters. I love your use of imagery and you describe things so well. However, you'll want to be careful when you're introducing a character to not introduce too much too soon. Try to space out your descriptions of your characters instead of throwing them at the reader all at once. It can make it feel like you're just giving your reader a list, and they could lose interest fairly quickly. Also, I see that other reviewers have already mentioned this so I won't focus on it, but just keep in mind that the pacing is important. Don't rush it. I understand that in an intense story like this, it's easy to get caught up in the excitement, but the reader needs to be able to process what's happening before they're thrown into the next thing.
"Nothing else could be seen, though, since the sun
havehad gone down.""He was somewhere else, and
nowshe began to cry."The rest of the story is in past tense, but this sentence is in present, which doesn't match. There is more than one way to fix this. You could either simply take out "now" and leave the rest of the sentence as is, or you could make it two separate sentences, like this:
"He was somewhere else. She began to cry."
There was one more thing I noticed grammar-wise. I'm not sure if it's technically wrong, but it's just a nit-pick of mine:
"Now all she felt was pain, now all she saw was blood dripping into her eyes, now all she smelt was the death that danced around her."
These are all independent clauses, which can stand on their own. So, I don't think commas were the best option here. I would suggest either using semicolons or periods and making each one a separate sentence. It's just a suggestion, though.
The last thing I'll mention is that there were a couple of inconsistencies within your plot. The narrator mentions that Zeight had been fighting this wolf for "half an hour" and then felt herself growing so exhausted that the life seemed to fade out of her, yet right after that she was running up a flight of stairs. First, I think half an hour is a bit of a stretch, but that's just my opinion. But I do think you should consider things like that. Yes, this is a work of fiction, but there still needs to be some element of reality to it.
In conclusion, I think you're off to a really great start! I just had some personal nit-picks I thought I'd point out for you. I'm excited to read your next chapter! Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!
Thanks for your review. I added a description of Zeight because someone asked for one but I guess I should take it out. Anyway, the next chapter is up if you want to review that. Thanks again!
It's perfectly fine to start describing Zeight, just space it out a little. Don't give the readers every little detail at once. I've read and reviewed your other chapter now. It's quite good!
Greetings,
I have to say that you have expertly crafted this scene. The imagery is quite refined and you address a great deal of the inner turmoil of the character as she realizes that she is fighting a no win battle. Either she is killed by the creature or she kills it and dies from her wounds. Your pacing is good, it keeps with the idea of jarring pieces that address the chaos of battle.
My only real issue is that there seems to be more to this story and yet it ends so abruptly. This seems like there should be more to this story. I sort of feel like I am dropped in the middle of a book and I have little to no context of what is going on. It isn't until the middle of the story that I find out why she is even at this tower fighting some large black wolf in the middle of a storm. There are parts of this story that seem a little rushed, like when your main character drops her shield and is face to face with the wolf. I think there needs to be some length added to it. Describe what the wolf looks like up close. Its hungry eyes, the pink stained teeth. I think it would really sink in the idea that his is a monster that is on the verge of killing your main character
Happy Writing!
Thanks for your review. If you enjoyed it please click the "like" button. I am making more chapters to this but I guess I should have put it in a different category to make that clear. And I do agree that it is a bit rushed. I'm getting down the main idea of the story and posting it here then I will edit it all when I'm done. Thanks again for your opinion!
Hiya, I'm finally back!
I absolutely love the imagery you used while describing this scene! It was captivating to read, I thought you did a great job bringing your characters to life! BlueJay went through a ton of grammar, so I'm not going to really focus that. Most of what I have to say is more personal preference than anything else.
This felt like a really abrupt transition, and I thought it was hard to picture. Though I could easily see and feel what was going on internally with Zeight, I didn't have anything to go on for the ancient ruins. I would really like you to spend some time describing the setting- what's still standing, what Zeight can see; what's too dark for her to make out. That way, we can get a better picture of what the monster leaps out of (where was he hiding, watching her?) I'd also recommend not using 'darkness' twice in such close proximity
I'd stretch this part out as well, or at least separate her dropping the shield and her lying in wait. It feels like it should be two different events, and you could use it as a way to illustrate her fear/ drag out suspense if Zeight doesn't think that she can even stop to pick up her shield.
Also, introducing Kerrs and Tafe confused me. Who is her brother, and who is the other guy/ why did he know or decide to go looking for her? (Granted, idk if this goes to anything else) It threw me off a bit b/c I was no longer sure what was going on.
I loved reading this, and I hope some of my comments were helpful!
-backroadstraveler
Thank you for your review it was encouraging. Tafe and Kerrs are explained in the next part. I don't want to give to much away to my reader otherwise they'll know it all and there'll be no reason to continue.
Thanks! God bless!
This was pretty awesome to read- I don't have time now but I plan on coming back to review!!
Thanks!
Hey, Jay here, your friendly neighborhood critic!
Interesting story! I'd love to read more.
I love your descriptions and your characters, along with all your settings! I just have a few grammar pointers.
You do this a couple times throughout your work. Many, many people make this mistake. I used to a TON too. "And" is an unnecessary word there. If you can say the sentence without saying and, you should do so.
#BF0000 ">Lightning spread across the night. Rain showered upon the poor soul below.
Same thing happened here.
#BF0000 ">Her entire body was soaked. Her eyes widened every time she heard thunder.
The same thing happened here, but you could do that in different forms while keeping the "and" in that sentence. I'll show you one form:
#BF0000 ">She was caught in a nightmare--and no one could wake her.
Minor problem here, probably just a typo. The "s" in "she yelled" should be lowercase.
#BF0000 ">"Come out of the darkness!" she yelled.
I like what you did here--its a good way to describe that she was afraid and in pain, without straight up saying "Zeight was terrified--and in lots of pain".
Though. . . Tsk tsk the DREADED extra "and" in that sentence.
#BF0000 ">Zeight's hands shook. Her thigh burned.
Nice sentence there! It's explains that she was very skilled and knew where to hit--she simply needed a chance. But, you're going to want to use different punctuation to help this sentence flow better.
#BF0000 ">Zeight was expertly trained--so she knew where he was weakest. She pulled a knife from her side, jabbing his eye.
Also, like straight from her side? Was she hit with a knife in her kidney and she pulled it from her side? Or did she have a sheath strapped to her hip? Be more explanatory when saying things like that, as it can get confusing for the reader.
You capitalized your "s" again. That's unneeded.
#BF0000 ">"Stop toying with me!" she screamed in fright.
First off, I love swordfights. So points for that. But, this just doesn't exactly make sense. She slashed its left side and then sunk her sword into it? Into what? The wound that she made by slashing it? Or did you mean to say:
#BF0000 ">Zeight, with what little strength she had left, slashed its left side--sinking her sword deep into the wolf.
If you're going to end the sentence before, then continue it, you're going to need to add the word "she" before then. Or after.
#BF0000 ">(She) then (she) pulled the sword from the creature and pushed it off the tower.
Wrong except/accept. Except with an "e" is usually used in the same cases as "but". Accept with an "a" is used when they are saying they recieve or understand something.
"I accept all the terms of your duel with dignity!" the man yelled.
"I can't accept the fact that YOU, of all people, decided to attempt drugs!" Andy's mother yelled.
#BF0000 ">She couldn't ACCEPT it,
Great job on this!
I really want to read more--you left us on a cliffhanger! Don't just end it right there!
Hey, thank you so much for your review. It was very helpful but what I don't understand is why you made my two independent clauses joined by "and" and a comma into two. I haven't seen that rule before. Could you explain this me please?
Sure, I'd love to explain it to you!
Which ones were they again? I just read through my review and I can't seem to find the changes I made that you mentioned. xD
You're welcome,
-Jay
Like you changed this: Zeight's hands shook, and her thigh burned.
To this: Zeight's hands shook. Her thigh burned.
OHHH!
It's a rule I was taught a while back. If you can say a sentence without "and"--even if you need to split it in two--you should. Or, if you could replace "and" with "as", you should do so.
Using "and" when you don't have to makes it sound childish. And I have to say, I agree with that statement.
It's simply the style of writing I was taught.
-Jay
Ah, okay. Thanks!