By request of posting them...;D
Moonlight Decision
Let's take a walk on the wild side,
And forget all others that crossed the tracks.
Let's dream up a better way to feel,
And know why we must keep going.
The night has given us a lighted path,
To where it leads is still undecided.
So, why not take it? Why not go?
All paths lead somewhere, and you know:
I've been here before, I've known my share,
This path has dirt, tracks, and nails.
So, be cautious not to fall, the way is scattered,
But at least it leads to a life -- our Life.
For perilous be, and my might witful,
Come in strides -- but not forgetful
So I
Can stay
In my own safe-haven.
Come now,
Not shy,
For I
Am me.
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139,453 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
I like the poem. it is interesting and will keep the readers' attention
I to liked this a lot. I really don't have much to say in regards to anything wrong. Someone above said to take out commas, however that would be wrong. A line break does not (or should not...) make the reader pause, the commas are supposed to be there. I really liked this, and may I suggest turning it into a song? I think it would be really good. I don't know if you play anything but if you do. Try it!
Thanks for sharing, keep writing!
Hey Jon ^^ Shina here to do a review for you
It's super weird xD I haven't been reviewing in a while. Only time to pop in and out of here to blog and check in. So I'm rusty right now -.-"
I. Nitpicks
Okay, I had to reread this several times to figure out what was throwing me off. I even had to retype it to catch on with the rhyme scheme. In the second line, I think you should change "the" to "these."
And forget all others that crossed these tracks.
For some reason, it flows more xD But it could just be me.
Second thing that caught my attention. You repeat "let's", and it ruined the flow for me -.-" Possible synonym?
As for the second line, "know" should be replaced with "learn." Why? Because you're saying to dream up a better way to feel, therefore you shouldn't just automatically know why you must keep going, but you'll learn why.
Your choice of the word "undecided." Do you mean to say that the narrator and the person he/she is with will decide where it leads? Or do you mean that the night will decide?
If you mean that the night will decide, or destiny, you might want to rethink the wording. "Unclear" might be a better choice, but it's really up to you.
I can't figure out how to say the last line. I think you should say this stanza out loud because I think it's lacking a syllable or two because it feels like the "you know" part is just dangling there, which threw me off.
I like the idea behind this, but the it's half showy, half telly?
"This path has dirt, tracks, and nails." Isn't there some sort of way to incorporate literary devices to describe this? Something that'll paint an image?
II. Overall
Love, love, love the ideas behind your poetry, Jon. Whenever I read something of yours I read about an idea that's surface has barely been scratched. It's not always the big picture for you, it's more of a focus in that big picture.
The only problems I saw here were a few nitpicks with the rhyme scheme and word choice. I know you know how to use imagery and all that descriptive stuff. But look at that last stanza I critiqued.
"So be cautious not to fall, this way is scattered." Showing.
"This path has dirt, tracks, and nails." Telling.
Just need to be careful for those
-Shina
FANTASTIC POEM. I really loved it. I wouldn't make too many corrections.
I thought the first line was cliched, but the flow was good. I enjoyed this poem, but the last stanzas were odd. Not bad, just odd. They added to the texture of the poetry.
I suggest taking out the , at the end of lines. The line break already suggests a pause... it seems counterproductive.
Otherwise I have very little to say. This flows well to my old ears and has a lot of elements I like in it. My one issue I have with it is when you go to OUR life. I am not sure if you should try to relate the poem to everyone because this feels so personal that by adding our you detract from the personal exploration. Just a thought, otherwise well done.
Hey I'm Gen, and I am going to have fun reviewing your really awesome work
I thought that was really awesome! Me, I'm a little more into poetry with some rhyme to it, but I loved this anyway (if it did have a rhyme, excuse me, I'm tired)
Very nice writing, how you think of that kind of stuff I have no idea. I really admire your work. Really good job I loved it, and if I missed some major big mistake, I'm sorry, I'm not a poet.
Jon, this was really good, and I feel dumb reviewing this because if there was something wrong with it I didn't see it. Like I said I don't know how to review poetry but I know when it's good.
~peanut~