Leave me in my silent requiem,
A peace that even trusted I.
Leave me in this glass-cased gem,
From here I see the passerby.
I float like the dreams of the inspired,
I have no boundary too big to hold.
Only see I the secrets inquired - required,
To say romantic's requiem so cold.
I breathe in the soul's passerby,
They waste it on the fruitless pleasure.
I, however, use them to mystically defy,
One that no other can reach beyond measure.
I am in this glass-cased gem,
On the outside shinning majestically.
It glints from the inside too, although a crack or two,
Just leave me in my silent requiem.
Leave me to rest, to ingest,
The soul's soliloquy.
Let me feast on this glass-cased gem,
Leave me in my silent requiem.
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139,453 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
I've told you this before (at least I hope I have), and I'll say it again, you're poetry is always worth the read.
This is one of your best.
All I have to offer are some minor nitpicks.
To point out a typo, you wrote "shinning" instead of "shining".
I think there should be a period at the end of that first line here, in place of the comma.
The only other thing I have to comment on is your rhyme scheme. It's perfect in the first three stanzas; it's natural, it stays within the rhythm, and you managed to find words that rhyme perfectly and still fit perfectly with your ideas.
Then suddenly, for no reason I can imagine, you abandon your rhyme scheme completely! You do have rhyme in your last two stanzas, though they're a repitition of your previous rhyme of "gem" and "requiem".
But where you had a consistent ABAB ABAB pattern before, now you have: ABCA, ABCC. What happened? It's a small thing, but I think you definitely need to stick to the pattern! If there's one thing rhyme needs, it's consistency. At least make the last two stanzas match eachother, if you don't want them to match the rest of the poem.
But, that aside, this was wonderful! *stars* I can't really say it gave me much insight into the second poem that I reviewed before this one (:P), but I loved it. Double check your punctuation, because that's always a safe thing to do, and always read your stuff aloud, but I couldn't think of anything else to fix.
-Adna
yet another perspective for me to inspect
this is me looking in on a poem of looking without from within oneself being within ones "reqium"
this is obviously the story of ones end, unless the writer is daft
how else could it be a reqium.
I doubt there will be an epitaph
for so radiant a life that the death will be sharp and grim...
perhaps it will be in the shattering of this "reqium" gem
I'm amazed at how the writer faced foward and stared out of a one way window and then told the world
not of what she saw but how and why she got in front of the window in the first place.
I like this story
it stiking and elegent
and selfish if not deserving
for everyone deserves their reqium...
A big thanks to everyone! I'm glad everyone enjoyed this.
June's going to be mad when I tell her how long it took me to write this.XD (Inside Joke)
Anyway, thanks so much!
*donates*
---Jon---
Jon--
.
.
This poem = perfect. Absolutely perfect. I mean, like, beyond perfect?
It's so short, so simplistic, but yet it holds such a wonderous meaning. I never knew you could write like this
After I read this yesterday, I found myself repeating some of the lines in my head. >.>
I love the internal rhyme you've used in some of the lines-- beautiful.
You were so right. You wrote your best poem ever
Keep it up! 1000/10
June
Ok so when you asked me to critique this you said everybody seemed to like, was I supose to not? ahah because i absolutely adored it! just a few questions i have-
Theres lots of repition of this word, is that on purpose? if not it gets a little bothersome.
The I in this line seems to be misplaced, and awkward.
All beautiful lines! Bravo bravo!
Amazing use of words! Was this to show me you had a bigger vocabulary? Ahaha just kidding. Awesome work!
~Tiffany
Hey there! I'm Kat and I'm gonna review.
There's not much too say... I mean, this is great! I love it.
The concept is truly a good choice and it's well displayed. The word choice just makes it adorable. It flows nice.
Just one thing, that I think it would sound better:
But that's just my opinion. So that's it! Crappy review, isn't it? Short and empty... unlike your poem
Keep writing!
*Kat*
This poem is absolutely beautiful. I loved your choice of words and the way you made them flow together with ease. I don't really have any critiques, plus I just joined so I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing. In any case, great job!
Oh my. This poem was SO good! It was beautiful, it flowed well, it had a wonderful story, and it made you think.
Just one comment;
Should "I" be in?
Again, this was really amazing. I loved the entire concept. keep writing!
Peace, Love, and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody