Even beautiful things are dangerous, darling,
don't go touching them.
Yes, that too is a beautiful sight–
but look at us, darling, look at us,
and pay no mind to them.
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140,212 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hey Jon!
With a short poem, you can't over-use words. And you've definitely over-used "darling." Also you said "that too" and then referred to "that" as "them" which doesn't make sense. It sounds like you're dehumanizing the people you are referring to, which is kind of unromantic! So just be careful with your pronouns.
Haha, thanks, Knightly! I do see what you mean; I'll think about taking it out. ^_^ but then, as you said, it makes it seem likes she's saying all beautiful things are dangerous, which I don't want. But, I'll think of some way to work around it if it's do-able.
sorry I didn't understand the poem it just didn't flow in my mind. But I do get how you are trying to send a message to the insecure if i am thinking along the same path as you please correct me if I'm wrong. but keep working at it i am sure you can make a bit better poem.
Hi Jon! I'm here to review.
Well, I have to say, I think you have a great start here. I love how you put action into your poem by using this line:
One thing that I think would change about this, however, would be the word "even." I think that if you removed it, the scope of your poem would increase tenfold. Just imagine...
But do you see the difference? Just by taking that one word away, the mother is now condemning all beautiful things. It makes the reader wonder why she would say such an obviously untrue thing (not all beauty is dangerous, of course!), and what events happened in her life that led her to that moment. As I said, scope.
Hope I helped!
-Knightley
Hey, thanks, you guys! I'm glad you liked it.
The speaker is indeed a mother to her child. ^_^
Thanks for commenting and I'm glad you liked it!
-Jon
Hey. I like that this is short. Most people say that things are too short, and the make poems drag on forever. What I am wondering though, is who is talking. And who are they talking to. But leaving the reader with questions is sometimes a good thing. Like this time. It is gets boring when every thing is spelled out for you. I really like it.
I completely with Yatta!'s comments. The speaker i'm assuming is either a mother telling her child not to let others influence her action (I apologise if i'm wrong) or a lover telling her partner to also, not let others influence the relationship
It's very good. Even though it's small, like Yatta! said, it packs a punch. It's so detailed in such a small amount of wording (: TALENTED MUCH?!
Keep writing.. Please?? - innocent look
-Pages D:
I like it. It's short and sweet and packs a punch.
The possessiveness of the speaker over his/her darling is tangible, and it paints a clear distinct image of someone overprotective and shielding.
What a horrible critique I gave. Ah, but I don't know what else to say.
It's good.
Yatta!