The color of my eyes have changed tonight
like the blossoming tides of dreams --
and a moment has escaped me --
A dream -- A totally wicked entity.
And as they fill the void
of an ever-lasting ocean --
I feel as though it will
never be enough.
So open the floodgates, let them
pollute the minds of everyone.
Who am I to steal a dream
From a blind man, let his
Eyes change colors like mine --
Let his moment be kept --
Let un-known entities be
uncertain and irrevocably
like a blossoming tide
of dreams.
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140,218 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
*fan girl scream* OMG, its Jooon!
This is actually my only problem with this whole poem, and Ross brought it up. You have such a wonderful style but I would have loved to see something more…original I guess is the word. I mean, how many times do you see phrases like “his blue eyes as deep as the tides” or something along those lines. The idea is very clichéd but the style is great which forced me to like the poem all the same. I especially loved the way you used the dashes. It reminded me of the way Emily Dickinson used excessive dashes in many of her poems.
The execution was great, Jon. The theme just needed something to pump it up and make it more original. Good luck!
~lilymoore
Lol, thanks Ross! I'll dabble with it some; see what I can do. Thanks!
I must say you've got a very unique style of poetry. The way you use dashes is unexpected, but a very nice touch. It could become your trademark if you continue this. But take in consideration if a dash is really the most wise idea. One example that I thought didn't fit in this poem was...
This distracts from the whole flow of the words. You mention a dream, then go in depth of it. And sometimes a dash isn't enough to convey that. Also, I'm not sure how that line connected to that verse in total. It seemed kind of random. It fit because it talked about dreams, but it wasn't that seamless. And in poetry, flow and seams are everything. And unless you wanted everything to be choppy and conflicted--which I doubt is the case, because everything else flows very nicely--I'd revise that bit.
Also, the whole "eyes" to "tides" thing. You've got great rhyme going there, but you don't have that deep of a connection. I'd expand on that and make it clearer.
To be honest, I'm not that knowledgeable about poetry, but I do enjoy reading it.
GRADE: B