Cracking Calcium (Poem 3 0f 50 for Pengu)

Jonnie-yoz, Juneth here,

The butterfly doesn't transform --
only our perception.

Word this better! This sounds really boring, and I even would've preferred this is if you said "The butterfly doesn't transform, only our perception does," or, "Only our perception of the butterfly changes and not it itself" -- the opening just isn't very hooking, Senor.

It's slowly finding its way out,
trembling all the while
in my bones --Like
tremors of the earth.

Adverbs in poetry, tsk. No good. They restrain you, because this butterfly is moving at a speed of kind-of-like slow, and not actually slow. Use cleaner description! Use words that imply slow, like slogging its way out.

Also, the dash is unneeded. If anything, a comma.

...and another quake hits
shaking, shivering --
and I hear the droplet
of Sorrow fall upon
blind eyes.

Is this a metaphor for tears? =P I don't really like it; the droplet of sorrow is pretty weak, needs some supporting detail. Because this is a really abstract poem, it would help if you had some concrete to build this on, dear. These quakes? I'm not sure what they are -- you have you, butterflies, and quakes, and this sounds like an emotional point to me, and I want it to be more, because I think it is. I just can't understand it.

A recent past whispers to me;
calls me closer to comfort it.
And for the first time in memory --
The Dam of my memories -- As
damned as they may be --
Overflowed the bounds.
Spilling out.

A bit too narrative for me. I like the middle part; the first two lines literally do nothing beneficial for me, dear, so I would eliminate them.

Spilling out is already implied, and it's fragmented in a way that it shouldn't be. Also, try to limit your use of dashes, dear; it's pretty unnecessary unless you're breaking the poem and charging on an unexpected road.

And I could do nothing but drown.
That is, until I learned to float --
Then swim.

No longer will I hide in the shadow of Mine.

And, here, I am confused. I'm not sure what the shadow is or who mine is -- you really need to strengthen this. The problem that I am having with this poem is that you have all of these cool images that'll be put to benefit and you're not maximizing potential. You have the tools, you're just not using them.

Try not to narrate such as "I could do nothing but drown"; why not take the more creatively abstract route and say, and I drowned in them as they swarmed my lungs/head/being/somethingsupercrazythatdoesn'tbelongbutbenefitsthepoem.

On the whole, it's chock full of potential, and you need to maximize it.

June

Jon! So, I'm going to mend my cheating ways and write you a proper review. =D

As much as I've been trying to focus more on content in my reviews, I have to say, all your thoughts flow together beautifully. No one line seemed out of place, subject-wise. I think I remember in some of the first poems by you that I reviewed, that was something I noticed, so this is a wonderful improvement there!

I'm sure there are many more helpful criticisms I could make, but at the moment I don't have the heart to give a harsh critique of something this much better than what I just wrote. =] Don't you feel lucky. xD

The butterfly doesn't transform --
only our perception.

Oh noes D: Good opening thought... not so good wording. I don't think you need something drastically different, but maybe if you didn't give us the complete thought so completely at the complete beginning. Give us a taste, and then make us wait to see the whole thing until later on when we're hooked in the poem and can't get away.

...and another quake hits
shaking, shivering --

I don't care for these lines too much. They're a little redundant/repetitive. Three different words for the same thing within two lines is a little much for me.

"and I hear the droplet
of Sorrow fall upon
blind eyes." Why is Sorrow capitalized? Also, it's a personal preference/observation, but "sorrow" is a rather overused, under-descriptive word...

"The Dam of my memories -- As
damned as they may be --" For no particular reason, I quite like these lines.

As you can likely tell, I was in a rather goofy mood when I did this, and very very sleep deprived (those two things are probably related), but I hope I was at least slightly helpful. xD If not, you can chase me with a stick until I come back and tear this poem to pieces.
<4
-Adna