Dark is The Night
Dark is the night,
When the full moon rises.
A single candlestick white,
Burns, melts with lies.
Wind howls outside,
And death grows many.
Trees crack and twist,
With the blackbird’s song.
Watch out and don’t,
Don’t get caught.
For this may be,
Your last fight faught.
Give it your all,
Be the last light.
Give it your all,
Fight the last fight.
Dim is the dawn,
When the full sun rises.
A candle flickers out,
And with it the lies
The wind breeze slows,
And the people awaken.
Trees stand at attention,
With the bluebird’s song.
Don’t be still with fear,
And do not get caught.
For this won’t be,
Your last fight faught.
You have another day,
To soak seas of sun.
You have another day,
It will soon be done.
Diminished is the dusk,
When the full sun lowers.
A candle lights up,
Sparking lies and hate.
The wind picks up,
And the people tire more.
Trees bend to the bird,
With it’s screechful song.
Your fear magnifies,
But don’t let it show.
This will surely be,
Your last fight faught.
No more days,
Not another chance.
No more days,
Queue the final dance.
Dark is The Night,
When the full moon rises.
Your white candle melted,
There are no more disguises.
Time for the show,
Time for final act.
This was expected,
You cannot turn back.
You know what’s coming,
You know what it does.
The fear is numbing,
This will be done.
Memories reflected back,
As much as it pains you.
You have two choices:
Face the light or,
You can face the dark.
What will it be,
The light or the dark?
Either one is key,
To make a new start.
You chose the dark,
Well done, you pass.
It now consumes you,
No more pain, alas.
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139,585 Literary Works • 672,611 Reviews
Haha, what can I say? Springrain2693 basically pointed out most of the faults, and a few unnecessary ones at that. I found your poem to be a bit redundant and a little self-contradicting (or maybe it's just me). Personally, I think that repetition is a tricky thing to pull off, unless you're writing a villanelle (look it up, I'm too lazy too explain), and even then, it's pretty tough. Overall, 'twas pretty good.
Thanks Dark angel!
I think that this has really good structure. I thought it was well written, and the candle burning part was I think my biggest attack on it. That is only because if its lit of course its burning, and melting. I don't mean that to be harsh but still that is kind of a no brainer. Sorry if that sounds bad.. And how it rhymed and sometimes it didn't I thought that gave it a personal touch. Overall nice work.
Thankyou kyte!
yes, the rhyme is supposed to be that way.
I will try and rephrase the whole breeze/wind thing!
Thankyou
---Jon---
I don't want to be technical so I'm just going to give you general feedback:
Things that struck me about your poem:
1) Really long: I feel like i shouldn't be thinking about the length of it when I read this. Basically, the repetition, though enforcing the general theme, detaches the reader. I feel like this poem is really important you (maybe?) but it surely wasn't important to me. So, in efforts to keep the reader involved, I think you need to develop more vividly in what context the scenario is going on.
2) Repetitious: Uh, I like how the candle wax was getting lower and lower and it mirrored the urgency to make a decision, but I don't think all those stanzas were needed. You could really cut it down. For example,
"Diminished is the dusk,
When the full sun lowers.
A candle lights up,
Sparking lies and hate."
and
"Dim is the dawn,
When the full sun rises.
A candle flickers out,
And with it the lies"
Poetry is about having a lot of meaning in as little words as possible. I feel like you did the opposite of the task.
3) Imagery: It's good in some parts like in concerns to the candle, but then any allusion to the night and coming sun is lacking.
4) Vague: Who is "you"? You have to understand that it's very difficult to get your audience to feel the way you want them to feel or to even evoke feeling in an audience. I feel like I understand what your poem is about--I'm guessing it's the fight/decision to end you life instead of living through the pain--I'm hoping that's where you're headed, but anyone who hasn't read "Hamlet" is basically in the dark here.
One thing I think you should be aware of: it sometimes rhymes, and sometimes doesn't. Maybe you meant to do that?
Shouldn't that be "deaths grow many"?
It's redundant. "Wind" means basically the same as "breeze."
Overall, a very well-done poem.
I don't like how you changed it, it doesn't sound right if you read it. sorry.
Thanks for the review!
---Jon---
I mean you changed the whole meaning!