These Eyes of Mine

by Jon
  • March 12, 2009
  • Poetry
  • Dramatic
  • Dramatic Poetry
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T-Y M:) !! --- That is a code, only she will know, maybe...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These eyes of mine can see,
Even the small insignificant.
But who am I for me to be,
Lord God since whence?

Come to the horizon's break,
Past the ocean, past the sky.
Look for me in your wake,
Over sandy grains you can't defy.

Somewhere achieved by wit,
Don't look with just your eyes.
Be sure that you don't quit,
For surely you will rise.

Rising not from yourself,
Or even heaven's magic.
Rather the natural mirth,
Poured from your eyes -- tragic.

Next time tell it on the --
Sunrise, shine e-ter-na-lly.
Next time see the reason,
Maybe next time there wont be.

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Adnamarine
Review
Adnamarine wrote a review · Tue Mar 17, 2009 3:14 am

Just gonna do a line-by-line. I didn't read the reviews above me, so apologies in advance if I repeat advice of theirs.

These eyes of mine can see, The comma's unnecessary
Even the small insignificant. Small and insignificant?
But who am I for me to be, This wording doesn't quite make sense. I've noticed that you like to go for very complicated wording, which is unnecessary and confusing. Complicated does not equal eloquent or fluid. I'd perhaps go with "But who am I to be" or "But who is it for me to be?"
Lord God since whence? I'm not sure what you actually meant here, but 'whence' can't really be the right word, from its definition.

Come to the horizon's break,
Past the ocean, past the sky.
Look for me in your wake,
Over sandy grains you can't defy. This is a good stanza, I think. One rhythm problem with this line; it's slightly too long. I think you could easily fix it by using "O'er" in place of "Over". With the somewhat formal style of this poem, I don't think it would be out of place.

Somewhere achieved by wit,
Don't look with just your eyes. I don't see the connection between this line and the last, how they form one sentence. Do you mean, when they're somewhere that they achieved by wit, they shouldn't look with just their eyes? And if so, why? You could be a little clearer here.
Be sure that you don't quit,
For surely you will rise.

Rising not from yourself,
Or even heaven's magic.This and the line above need to be a continuation of the last sentence; or you'll need to change it a different way, because it's a fragment.
Rather the natural mirth, If you take out the comma here, it changes your meaning a little, but it makes these two last lines a sentence instead of a fragment. Some change is necessary.
Poured from your eyes -- tragic.

Next time tell it on the -- I've noticed you do this before as well, interrupt your poem with dashes. Above, it served a purpose. I can't see why you used it here, though, because it only confused me; it didn't anything, for me anyway, to the poem. Are you changing the train of thought, here, or just interrupting it? It makes it difficult to tell. Either way, I think you'd be just as well, if not much better, without it.
Sunrise, shine e-ter-na-lly. That's an interesting thing to do, with the hyphens. I can understand. Interesting can be good; unique is good. But I think this particular instance of it makes this line awkward, clumsy. It interrupts the reader, brings them up short as they read it like that, trying to figure out what you were doing, and if they're reading it as they're meant to. This just doesn't seem to be the right spot for it.
Next time see the reason, You need stronger punctuation than a comma. Semi-colon or period.
Maybe next time there wont be. Won't be what? You need an object. "Maybe next time there won't be one"? To it seems as though you left it out for the sake of the rhyme. A very dangerous thing to do; rhyme is tricky. You did a good job with it though; it was all natural. But you can't sacrifice anything for rhyme; it all has to be there.


I will say this isn't the best I've seen from you, but it has good qualities. It does have more clarity than some other pieces I've seen from you; it still needs a bit of touching up there, but it should be fine. You did a good job with your rhyme scheme. All around it's pretty natural; just touch up that last sentence so nobody can blame its missing something on your need to rhyme.
Your rhythm is very smooth. The one spot I noticed, I pointed out. Besides that one small spot, it's practically faultless. I always suggest reading things out loud, just the same. You may find something I didn't, or may want to change something I didn't think of.

Good job; your structure especially is quite sound. If you want me to do a follow-up review, just let me know. =)

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Evi
Review
Evi wrote a review · Sat Mar 14, 2009 7:47 pm

These eyes of mine can see,
Even the small insignificant.
But who am I for me to be,
Lord God since whence?


Hmmm...quite confuzing, I must say. I think that you're trying to say that you are extremely observant in an almost God-like way, but you realize that you have not the authority to claim that title? I agree with Lost that the second line needs a little tweaking. Try either:

Even the smallest insignificance
Even the small and insignificant

Come to the horizon's break,
Past the ocean, past the sky.
Look for me in your wake,
Over sandy grains you can't defy.


So, I like this. However, your rhyming here is MUCH more obvious than the first stanza. I didn't even realize it was a rhyming poem from the first stanza. :? Maybe if you change it to 'insignificane' we'll be able to tell.

Somewhere achieved by wit,
Don't look with just your eyes.
Be sure that you don't quit,
For surely you will rise.


I don't like the repetition of 'sure' here. It seems to cut off your otherwise even and smooth flow. Perhaps change the third line to 'And know that you won't quit'. The "won't" matches the "will", whereas the "don't" doesn't. Does that make any amount of sense? :P

Also, I have no idea what the first line means. What is achieved by wit? A place? But...how is that possible? Did you find the place because of your wit?

Rising not from yourself,
Or even heaven's magic.
Rather the natural mirth,
Poured from your eyes -- * tragic.


Me gusto mucho. :lol: However, you need one more syllable in the last line to even out the counts. How about inserting either "quite" or "just" where I placed the star?

Next time tell it on the --
Sunrise, shine e-ter-na-lly.
Next time see the reason,
Maybe next time there wont won't be.


Hmm, I'm not so sure what you were trying to gain with all of the dashes. :? It sounds like you cut off the 'mountain' at the end of the first line, like that old folk song, "Go, tell it on the mountain!" If that was on purpose, then what was your intention? Was it kind of like [insert word of reader's choice here]? If so... :? I'm not getting it. How about:

Next time, tell it from the heavens
-or-
Next time, tell it at the daybreak

Noth of those go with the 'sunrise' concept of a new day.

:arrow: I liked this, Jon! I think it has something to do with you pushing someone else along, trying to get them to open their eyes and see you. Really see you, in the sky and the stars and their hearts. Although..I don't think the author of this is quite human. More like an entity that exists everywhere throughout the world.

Probably completely off, but oh well! :wink:

~Evi

User avatar
Jon
Comment
Jon commented · Sat Mar 14, 2009 5:00 pm

You are going to critique it?


That was a wonderful critique, I thought, but, if you want to do better...


Thankyou so much!

User avatar
Lost_in_dreamland
Review
Lost_in_dreamland wrote a review · Sat Mar 14, 2009 4:39 pm

thirteen
Hey Jon :D Kirsten here. Please excuse me if I accidentally miss out a letter or an apostrophe, blame my sister for spilling lemonade on my laptop. xD I think I'll go over the actual poem and then do a review, 'kay?

These eyes of mine can see,
Hm... I'm not too sure about this as an opening line, I'm not strongly opposed to it, I've seen worse, I'm just not too fond of it. That said, it does fulfil my criteria for a good opening line - it's got a good tone, almost domineering, by that, it demands our attention and almost instructs us to do something, of course in a subtler way than simply saying 'do this...', it ignites a flame of interest and creates a desire for us to read on. Yes, it's probably fine, to me it just seems a little lacking.

Even the small insignificant.
I think there's something wrong in this line. Perhaps you mean: Even the smallest insignificant, referring to people as insignificants, thereby saying even the smallest, most powerless person. Or you mean even the smallest insignifcance, showing that you mean insignifcant as a thing, ie: a teddy bear is insignificant amongst human friends &c. Perhaps I am completely wrong and have just misinterpreted the meaning though.

But who am I for me to be,

Lord God since whence?
Eh... slightly too many words, by words, I mean more formal/ confusing words. To make this couplet more coherent you should consider revising this couplet altogether, I think the basic meaning of these two lines is this: Since when am I to be as meaningful as God? Or something like that. That's what I got from this two lines, and the previous line about insignificant made me believe this even more.



Come to the horizon's break,
I think, for this poem, the demanding, domineering narrative makes it all the more interesting. It sparks from within us the flame of passion and thoughtfullness. Yes, I definitely like this narrative.

Past the ocean, past the sky.
Would pass the ocean, pass the sky work better here? As it sounds more as if someone is being ordered to follow the directions as the previous sentence indicates? In the previous sentence you use come to the horizon's break, which indicates someone is being ordered to come to the horizon's break. In this line, you go on to talk of where the horizon's break is. This, seems a bit too, not shy, but simply stating something instead of ordering which the previous sentences imply. Instead of stating where something is directly talk to your readers, order them to pass the ocean, pass the sky. That way you maintain your narrative. That said, I'm going to completely contradict myself and say that it doesn't really matter, most of my opinions can be discarded and ignored.

Look for me in your wake,

Over sandy grains you can't defy.
To me sandy grains portrays a beach, yes? If so you've already said pass the ocean so why would they meet on a beach if a beach basically is an ocean?



Somewhere achieved by wit,
Ah, so this place is not real? It is rather a metaphysical form, purely achieved by the mind and by wit? I find the idea lovely, wonderful indeed.

Don't look with just your eyes.
Some more nit picking: just your eyes suggest that you are to look with more than your eyes, perhaps you should pursue this and use this to add more imagery and thoughts to your piece? Otherwise I would nix the just.

Be sure that you don't quit,

For surely you will rise.



Rising not from yourself,/quote] Does not mirth mean laughter? In which case would not you be rising from yourself in a sense? If you are to rise from laughter surely the laughter comes from within. Surely you are, perhaps the laughter is not rising, perhaps the old you is rising in order to be replaced with the new.

Or even heaven's magic.

Rather the natural mirth,

Poured from your eyes -- tragic.
Hm... I'm not too sure of your meaning here, is the tragic sarcastic? No, I don't think it is, not quite anyway, I think a little explanation is needed for me here. :D



Next time tell it on the --

Sunrise, shine e-ter-na-lly.
I really like the splitting of the syllables here, but why do you do so? I think it is to add emphathise upon the eternally, yes? Otherwise, if it is to stretch the rhyming scheme I might object, but I do love it when emphathising the word eternally. Yet, yet is not the word eternally powerful enough in itself? For it is a most powerful word, most powerful indeed.

Next time see the reason,

Maybe next time there wont be.

There won't be what? Reason? In which case I would ni the next time in the first line, so that it reads: See the reason, for there may not be one next time, or something along the lines of that.

Anyway, I found this poem most interesting. I will give you a critique later, but just now I need to finish reviewing some photographs that I'm meant to be reviewing just now. xD

I shall come back soon!

~Kirsten



If food is poetry, is not poetry also food?
— Joyce Carol Oates