Young Writers Society

Just gonna do a line-by-line. I didn't read the reviews above me, so apologies in advance if I repeat advice of theirs.

These eyes of mine can see, The comma's unnecessary
Even the small insignificant. Small and insignificant?
But who am I for me to be, This wording doesn't quite make sense. I've noticed that you like to go for very complicated wording, which is unnecessary and confusing. Complicated does not equal eloquent or fluid. I'd perhaps go with "But who am I to be" or "But who is it for me to be?"
Lord God since whence? I'm not sure what you actually meant here, but 'whence' can't really be the right word, from its definition.

Come to the horizon's break,
Past the ocean, past the sky.
Look for me in your wake,
Over sandy grains you can't defy. This is a good stanza, I think. One rhythm problem with this line; it's slightly too long. I think you could easily fix it by using "O'er" in place of "Over". With the somewhat formal style of this poem, I don't think it would be out of place.

Somewhere achieved by wit,
Don't look with just your eyes. I don't see the connection between this line and the last, how they form one sentence. Do you mean, when they're somewhere that they achieved by wit, they shouldn't look with just their eyes? And if so, why? You could be a little clearer here.
Be sure that you don't quit,
For surely you will rise.

Rising not from yourself,
Or even heaven's magic.This and the line above need to be a continuation of the last sentence; or you'll need to change it a different way, because it's a fragment.
Rather the natural mirth, If you take out the comma here, it changes your meaning a little, but it makes these two last lines a sentence instead of a fragment. Some change is necessary.
Poured from your eyes -- tragic.

Next time tell it on the -- I've noticed you do this before as well, interrupt your poem with dashes. Above, it served a purpose. I can't see why you used it here, though, because it only confused me; it didn't anything, for me anyway, to the poem. Are you changing the train of thought, here, or just interrupting it? It makes it difficult to tell. Either way, I think you'd be just as well, if not much better, without it.
Sunrise, shine e-ter-na-lly. That's an interesting thing to do, with the hyphens. I can understand. Interesting can be good; unique is good. But I think this particular instance of it makes this line awkward, clumsy. It interrupts the reader, brings them up short as they read it like that, trying to figure out what you were doing, and if they're reading it as they're meant to. This just doesn't seem to be the right spot for it.
Next time see the reason, You need stronger punctuation than a comma. Semi-colon or period.
Maybe next time there wont be. Won't be what? You need an object. "Maybe next time there won't be one"? To it seems as though you left it out for the sake of the rhyme. A very dangerous thing to do; rhyme is tricky. You did a good job with it though; it was all natural. But you can't sacrifice anything for rhyme; it all has to be there.

These eyes of mine can see,
Even the small insignificant.
But who am I for me to be,
Lord God since whence?

Come to the horizon's break,
Past the ocean, past the sky.
Look for me in your wake,
Over sandy grains you can't defy.

Somewhere achieved by wit,
Don't look with just your eyes.
Be sure that you don't quit,
For surely you will rise.

Rising not from yourself,
Or even heaven's magic.
Rather the natural mirth,
Poured from your eyes -- * tragic.

Next time tell it on the --
Sunrise, shine e-ter-na-lly.
Next time see the reason,
Maybe next time there wont won't be.

You are going to critique it?


That was a wonderful critique, I thought, but, if you want to do better...


Thankyou so much!

thirteen
Hey Jon Kirsten here. Please excuse me if I accidentally miss out a letter or an apostrophe, blame my sister for spilling lemonade on my laptop. xD I think I'll go over the actual poem and then do a review, 'kay?

These eyes of mine can see,

Even the small insignificant.

But who am I for me to be,

Lord God since whence?

Come to the horizon's break,

Past the ocean, past the sky.

Look for me in your wake,

Over sandy grains you can't defy.

Somewhere achieved by wit,

Don't look with just your eyes.

Be sure that you don't quit,

For surely you will rise.



Rising not from yourself,/quote] Does not mirth mean laughter? In which case would not you be rising from yourself in a sense? If you are to rise from laughter surely the laughter comes from within. Surely you are, perhaps the laughter is not rising, perhaps the old you is rising in order to be replaced with the new.

Or even heaven's magic.

Rather the natural mirth,

Poured from your eyes -- tragic.

Hm... I'm not too sure of your meaning here, is the tragic sarcastic? No, I don't think it is, not quite anyway, I think a little explanation is needed for me here.

Next time tell it on the --

Sunrise, shine e-ter-na-lly.

I really like the splitting of the syllables here, but why do you do so? I think it is to add emphathise upon the eternally, yes? Otherwise, if it is to stretch the rhyming scheme I might object, but I do love it when emphathising the word eternally. Yet, yet is not the word eternally powerful enough in itself? For it is a most powerful word, most powerful indeed.

Next time see the reason,

Maybe next time there wont be.