You were my life, my joy
I have no courage, but boy
I reach down deep, to my soul
And find that I don’t need you anymore
My heart will forgive
In time I’ll forget
this time I won’t regret
I wish we would have never met
The scars run deep
Through my heart
Out of my back
This time I won’t give any slack
I’m leaving far to follow my dreams
Leaving you behind to waste in your sleep
You are nothing to me anymore
But a big heart sore
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139,453 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
I agree with Eimear; there's a lot to say =).
1. The biggest problem I see in this piece is that all of the rhymes are forced. You have some good ideas, but in this instance, the rhymes distract the reader from the themes.
2. Next: once you get rid of the rhyme, you can fix the rhythm. As it is, this poem lacks flow. If you add flow, you'll be able to get the reader almost to feel what the narrator is feeling.
3. The themes of this poem are vague. The emotion is there, but it's almost pointless without any solid theme.
4. You need punctuation. Enough said =)
All in all, this piece could use some work. But, if you put that time in, I have no doubt that this piece could be really good. PM me if you have any questions!
River
Wow, a lot of emotion in this poem. A heck of a lot of dare I say, bitterness as well. In any case, I guess I believed the speaker had gone through this, but there were a few thing s that I felt could have been developed- I won't completely butcher this of course though, because I did like it. It read like it came from the heart- but it just didn't go into my heart, if you catch my drift.
Okay,
1. Show, don't tell- By this I mean, described more. Push it a bit further. You say in this that your heart will forgive- forgive what? What did the other person or 'you' do to the speaker to hurt them so bad? Could you use more imagery, dramatic irony, personification to convey your feelings so that the reader can visualize them and make them apply to them personally. We all go through things like these in our lives, but not in the same way- not everything in life is as glamorous as a movie, I know it doesn't where I come from.
2. Punctuation. This whole thing did not come out of a person's mouth- or head, whatever way you want to think about it in one breath. People sigh. People use sentences, people shout! Without punctuation your poem lacks punch. It lacks energy.
3. A word- Just while I see it- a 'you' is floating randomly on the other side of it. Is this there for a reason? If not- there's a heads-up to edit it out.
Hope this helps,
Eimear xx