It was the shaman,
No more has been said.
It was the lulu bird,
Nothing wrote, nothing read.
Iconoclastic menageries,
Figures in flight!
Unknown waters,
Fishes of fright!
It was his spirit,
There is more to be said.
It was her grave-bed,
Now documented and read.
Rusty caged Iconoclasm,
Skeletons in plight.
Voyagers of liquid,
The small minnows might.
When things are here,
We take nothing in.
When things go away,
Notes of habitual dismay.
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139,453 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Hey Jon!
Sorry I haven't been very active lately with reviewing your poems, or other people's for that matter, my poetry hasn't exactly been easy to write lately, and thus this has reflected badly on my activity in YWS, but alas, I am going to make a sure effort to improve.
So here we are!
Wow, first thing, this is a meticulously thought out poem. I have to commend you on your imagery, which is truly fabulous. Sometimes, when I lost my grasp on the theme (which happened quite frequently unfortunately) I simply enjoyed the images that your clever words and descriptions evoked in my mind.
Few of my favourites:
Very pretty. Like it a lot.
Menageries is a truly awesome word. Kudos to you for getting it smoothly into a poem. I adore the punctuation of flight. Great.
Now, the theme. Regret, wasn't it? You- and I'm simply improvising with my own thoughts and feelings that I got from the poem, was that you were trying to explain how amazing things exist for a while, when they're there we don't appreciate them, and when they're gone they become legends but by then it's too late. Is that right...at all? Please PM me, because I enjoyed reading it.
The rhyme/ rhythm scheme didn't suffer to many catastrophes, although the only criticism I would have is that the syllable count was all over the place. Not a major thing to the untrained eye, but it sometimes caused problems when I was reading it aloud. I can not stress enough the importance of reading your work aloud when your finished. It really helps you visualise how to ammend your rhyme scheme if there's any problems. Plus, how else will you get practice for all those coffee shop readings when you're a rich and famous writer?
All in all, brilliant theme, excellently delivered.
Well deserving of a gold star
Your friend,
Eimear xx
*Cough*
(Went off the page, zero reviews)