Controversial

Hi Jon! Guess who?

I've finally found some time to review, so! Let's have a stab at this

Controversial is for the brave,
The one who changes -- rearranges.
Controversial is the crashing wave,
Pure change -- we should estrange.

First line, Jon! If I said to you, "Sounded is for the ears," would I be making sense?

Not really.

See, controversial means something that is of or like a controversy, right? So, if I said, "The brave are controversial," that would mean that, "Controversy is for the brave," right?

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Punctuation is a funny thing, especially in poetry. Poets argue over it all the time-- that's one of the benefits of Slam Poetry; it's being spoken so the audience doesn't have to worry about punctuation.

In the second and last line, the dash is not the punctuation mark you want to use, dear. A dash indicates a sudden break, followed by a change of ideas.

This morning, I went running, ate breakfast, and wrote a letter-- the dog slept the whole time.

A comma seems to be the better choice.

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In the third line, controversial is just okay. It's not actually what I would choose given the flow and meaning of the line; I would go more with, "Controversy is the crashing wave." However, it's fine, but, what type of wave is this? Sound wave? Ocean wave? Wait, I've got it! Mechanical wave?

People hate what shifts the void --
Of their lives, they should to fill.
From birth we knit the embroid-ery
Always climbing our next hill.

Ooh, nice, very nice! I like your play on slant rhyme throughout, Jon!

The dash, ditch it. Put a comma there, dear.

Poetry is rather tricky to write, especially with rhyme. I congratulate you on having it flow smoothly without sacrificing too much here, but you've still made a sacrifice.

See, you can sustain the same meaning with a little tugging and pulling at these words, sir. Let's take a look:

People hate what shifts the void
of their lives; they should to fill.
From birth we knit the embroid-ery,
And climb our next hill.

So, why did I just do that to you?

Because:

• First things first, I'm not too sure what you mean by the underlined part there, dear. I can't fully understand it, so I won't criticize it. But, what I will say is, it confused me; so you've confused your audience .

• You're using simplistic language here, talking in present, ever going on language, yet it's not totally present. It's more of a generalistic voice, so, if you say "climbing", that's too present. It's implied that that's going to have to come to pass, but, we don't want that here, given the voice of the rest of your poem. Scratch the "ing", dear.

• Be clear, be clear, be clear! Don't bring me the flowers with dead, woody stems, Jon. Deadwood and flowery language are always unnecessary. Be clear, be honest, be frank. You can sustain the same message without "big words"

I ask of Earth to see from sight,
To feel from heart and think with mind.
This is not one person's fight,
Although you made it yours to find.

Quite a jump, dear. You're speaking passively at first, now we're at first person. Why not dump that "I", so that you're commanding, whilst keeping the passive voice?

Your second line here poses a drag, dear. Poets often say to just pass on using words like "and, that, but" as much as you can in poetry-- you can do that here, dear, and replace and with a comma .

Bravery, Honesty, and Courage -- commercial,
Are all the words to describe the reason.
They build the word : Controversial,
When did those words mean that?

W-what? The slant rhymes vanished?

Now, now, now! The first line looks wonky. The capital letters in it are too powerful for the poem-- let alone this stanza.

Also! What is commercial doing for us here, dear? I mean, what is commercial about this? I know you're going for rhyme here, but, make sure that you're going to base this upon something that can be related to.

Punctuation wise, kill that dash. A semicolon deserves that spot .

Now, your last line is okay. You're leaving us in a question-- giving us something to think about, but why? Why are you leaving us hanging? Why aren't you closing out to be concise with us, dear?


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Now! For such a short poem, I know I am being incredibly harsh. But, I warned you, didn't I?

Pretend I wrote this, okay? Pretend I wrote it just after you and I had a disagreement and you want to be as mean to me as possible. Go over this, Jon! Work on it more, make your poem make us think and...




...Keep it up. Well done, dear! Well done .

June

Hello Jon! I figured it was about time I reviewed your stuff!

People hate what shifts the void --
Of their lives, they should to fill.
From birth we knit the embroid-ery
Always climbing our next hill.

I find the rhyme a bit weird here, with the "embroid-ery." Since you establish the rhyme pattern as being 1-3 in the first stanza (I don't really find the "e" and "es" sound rhyme that well together...), it threw me a little to see the double rhyme here.

In the third stanza, I feel the ideas in them could be expanded a little. ^_^ Like, what this person is actually doing to be controversial.

In the fourth stanza, I liked the break from your rhyme scheme a lot. It brought attention to the real... I'll call it problem, on the Earth right now that if you're different then you're something that needs to be squished. I do find the word "reason" is a bit out of place in line two, however.

Overall: I really liked this. You have a way with words, Jon. ^_^

~Rosey