North, East, South, and West
The wind shall come with it's best
Blowing, gusting, shaking the trees
Making people weak at their knees.
Trees squeal at it's might
The force is out of human sight
Soaring through the sky
Sounding like an old man's sigh.
Through the air
and through the trees
You cannot conquer
what you cannot see.
We call on the wind
Of the wind's soliloquy
and we cannot control
What our nature holds.
Sometimes with wind brings rain
The rain you see, the wind is free
But the wind still blows while rain still flows
On the nature's whim we cannot hold.
So the wind is set free
believeth what you see
or what you feel,
the wind blows, with eternal zeal.
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139,453 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Amazing! This was one of theee best poems I've read on here in a while. This gets both thumbs up from me.
Through the air
and through the trees
You cannot conquer
what you cannot see.
We call on the wind
Of the wind's soliloquy
and we cannot control
What our nature holds
This two paragraphs- to me- sort of repeat the same thing. Mainly that we cannot control wind. Again, I loved this poem and thought it was really creative. Keep writing.
-Moonlight
Remove the apostrophe in "its."
"Weak at their knees" sounds odd. Maybe "weak in the knees."
Also, "the wind shall come with its best" seems a little forced. I'd consider a different line.
Again, no apostrophe in the possessive form of "it."
"Soaring through the sky" is out of rhythm. I'd add an adjective to "sky."
You start off this stanza talking about a mighty wind, but then you say it sounds like an "old man's sigh." That's more like a slight breeze. I'd stick to the mighty wind and choose a phrase to describe what that would sound like.
You break rhyme here, but you also shorten the rhythm. These are your strongest lines so far, and they work well as a sort of refrain, though you should consider repeating this pattern later.
"We call on the wind of the wind's soliloquy" doesn't make any sense to me.
I'd say "sometimes the wind brings rain." You're starting to lose me, here. A lot of stuff in this stanza doesn't really make sense, and it seems kind of irrelevant to the rest of the poem. I'd consider cutting this part entirely.
"Believeth" seems forced, since you haven't used any other words in that style.
"Or what you feel" is too short and kills the rhythm. Need some more syllables, there.
Finally, remove the comma in the last line.
I hope I didn't sound too harsh for you, dude. It was a good start, but if you're planning on using it for anything, I'd revise it considerably. Your rhyme scheme keeps falling apart, and your rhythm keeps changing mid-stanza. I really did like that refrain I commented on earlier.
No, they don't. Not all, anyway. A spell doesn't have to include anything. In a fantasy novel, you're bound only by your imagination, and, IRL, the only part of any spell that really matters is the strength of your belief that it will work.
Hola!
Now the review.
North, East, South, and West
The wind shall come with it's best
Blowing, gusting, shaking the trees
Making people weak at their knees.
**"The wind shall come with it's best" seems a little too bland to start of this poem/spell. The beginning is a better place for things that will capture the readers eye. I like the last two lines though.
Trees squeal at it's might
The force is out of human sight
Soaring through the sky
Sounding like an old man's sigh.
**"The force is out of human sight" I'm not sure that I really get what this line means...I mean you can't see wind obviously. Unless that was what you were insinuating and then I think you should find a better way to say it.
Through the air
and through the trees
You cannot conquer
what you cannot see.
**One of my favorite stanzas. Describes everything in simple words. Great meaning.
We call on the wind
Of the wind's soliloquy
and we cannot control
What our nature holds.
**This...didn't rhyme. So while it was beautifully said, it didn't really flow well.
Sometimes with wind brings rain
The rain you see, the wind is free
But the wind still blows while rain still flows
On the nature's whim we cannot hold.
"Sometimes with wind brings rain" doesn't make sense. Maybe something along the lines of "Along with wind sometimes comes rain" or "And with wind might come the rain"...something like that lol. The last two lines are gold.
So the wind is set free
believeth what you see
or what you feel,
the wind blows, with eternal zeal.
**The last line seems too long for the third and the second line seems too short (syllable wise) for the first. Measure it out as you say it alloud. It isn't such a big deal but you might want to have at least one or two match up.
On content this was very good. I'm wondering if this was an actual spell perhaps? If so it would do better with your intent and overall structure of the poem if you put "with harm to none including myself. So mote it be." << Spells have those at the end..for well obvious reasons. But it would also help with the poem too, I think, adding more reality.
Happy editing!
~Rieda
Hi there,
I was reading along, and I noticed that the structure of your stanzas likes to change a lot.
It goes from AABB to AABB to ABCB to no pattern at all. If you are going to start a poem of with a specific rhyme pattern and then change it and then not have any rhyming at all, it gets to be a little confusing at times for the reader.
Other than that I thought the words were quite beautiful.
Scarlett
ok, so you really need to try to stay with one rhyme scheme, so not to distract the reader.
aside from that and the things i pointed out, this was a really good poem. your imagery was great.
keep it up!
-GC10